June 2006

Church Responds to Success of X-Men With Marvel™ Comic Book Bonfire

Press Release

Freehold, Iowa -- Over two thousand Marvel comic books were snatched from the hands of teary-eyed Landover Baptist males (the ones that cried the most tended to be single and in their forties and claimed to be one call from a woman named Miss "Pamela" Anderson). The comic books were burned in a glorious fire that could be seen all the way to Winnebago County, if not Heaven itself.  "It is an offering made by fire, of a sweet savor unto the LORD (Lev. 2:9)," said Pastor Deacon Fred. "The Lord loves the smell of burning books, and ignited comic books make even prettier colored flames! And some of those older editions flame quicker than a Broadway chorus boy in tap shoes. I want to thank every Godly parent who was a part of our community-wide effort to purge the plague of filth and fiction from the minds of our Christian children," he continued. Deacons who were present at the comic book burning noted that the fire was even more beautiful than last October's Harry Potter Book Burning.

Landover Baptist's comic book burning effort was in response to the recent success of Hollywood 's "Rated X-Men: The Last Stand" film, which is taking in record sales at the box office, filling the greedy coffers of Hell. "If only American children would get their feet hot for Jesus and put their allowance in the offering plates on Sunday, instead of saving it up to sneak out and see movies that display obscenely attractive men and OK-looking women in tight leotards, this world would be a much better place," says Creation Scientist, Dr. Jonathan Edwards.

Marvel comic book writer, Stan Lee (a long time nemesis of Pastor Jack Chick of Chick Tract fame) is a well known Atheist and womanizer who uses comic books like the Rated X- Men, not to glorify God, but to push his twisted ideology and godless agenda on our innocent little American children. "No Christian child has any business reading Mr. Lee's sexed-up humanistic trash," said Pastor Deacon Fred. "Anyone who spends that much time coming up with inviting lady-limbs, heaving cartoon boobies and bulging, preposterously hung groins, is bound to be drawing with one hand!  And if you don't get what I am tactfully saying, Jesus does!  If your kids like juvenile depictions of fanciful nonsense, drawn with the subtlety of a David Spade movie, slap a Chick Tract into their hands instead!"

For the next several months, during Sunday School classes, children will be required to repeat the following prayer until it sinks into their heads and they never forget it:

When Jesus takes His last stand
On their butts, all X-Men land
Wolverine, that hairy queen,
Will squeal his last high-pitched scream
As Jesus turns Storm's cartoon bust
Into a giant pile of Holy Eraser dust!

Jesus is the X-Factor
He is the eternal life reactor
There are no X-Men
Never will I read a comic book again
In Jesus' name A-men.

In a Godly reaction to X-Men 3, the Board of Deacons has commissioned a sin posse to be named, "The A-Men Trinity." The A-Men will travel to outlying communities and even into Des Moines with the good news that Jesus wants to rid all homes of X-Men comic books and put them into the hands of Landover Baptist Pastors who will in turn burn them later this summer in a giant fire if they don't fetch a good enough love gift price on E-Bay.

If you are ready to make a commitment to Christ, you can send us your X-Men comic books (the older the comic book, the more important your commitment!) to save us from kicking in the door to your parents' basement and snatching them out of your cold, dead hand. Send your comic books to:

Landover Baptist A-Men Outreach
E-Bay Sales Division
427 Soulwinner's Lane, Suite 12B
Freehold, Iowa 29065




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