Creation Science

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Perversions of Creation Science!

How the Biblical quest to find angel DNA in humans led one Creation Scientist into the heart of madness.

Freehold, Iowa - There is a growing concern in the Creation Science community in regard to the accountability of our colleagues. Some, who receive federal grants to conduct Creation Science experiments and research from their secluded laboratories, are getting unacceptable results. When these well-intentioned doctors work without any supervision other than the company of an invisible bird we call, the Holy Spirit and pair of protective goggles, oftentimes their experiments in rational Bible-based science produce dangerous and catastrophic consequences (as seen in the picture on your right).

On a recent visit to the Greenbaulm Creation Science Laboratory, located in the remote mountainous lake region of the Saskatchewan Territory, Chairman of the Landover Baptist Center for Creation Research, Dr. Jonathan Edwards, made a startling discovery. "I was asked by Pastor Deacon Fred to pay a visit to Dr. Harold Greenbalm, who happened to be a colleague of mine from Bob Jones University (Biblical Biology Department)," said Edwards. "He hadn't been heard from in over two-years. The last anyone could remember was that he received a small grant from the Southern Baptist Convention, in addition to tax-payers dollars to conduct controversial Creation research at a secure location somewhere in godless Canada. It wasn't until Pastor Deacon Fred received a distressing call in the early morning hours from a very drunk telephone evangelist, Dr. J.R. Grooms, that Dr. Greenbalm's location was ultimately revealed."

Within days, Dr. Edwards arrived at the remote Pine House Lake by chartered amphibious aircraft. The Greenbaulm Creation Science Laboratory was located in what used to be the Central Canadian Mental Asylum for the Incurably Insane. The asylum was abandoned in 1902 in the sad recognition that there weren't enough bricks to build asylums to house all the crazies in Canada, but it's halls still echoed with ghastly reminders of the atrocities committed there. The shaded rooms still rung with the blood-curdling voices of long-since-dead patients muttering out unspeakable blasphemies. Dr. Edwards was never one to be shocked by Scripture, but when he read the Bible verse splashed against the entrance hall in human blood it sent a powerful shiver down his spine to the nape of his buttocks, causing his anus to impulsively expand and contract like the lips of a  little red fish out of water desperately gasping for life.

"The sons of God saw the daughters of men that they were fair; and they took them wives of all which they chose. There were giants in the earth in those days; and also after that, when the sons of God came in unto the daughters of men, and they bare children to them, the same became mighty men which were of old, men of renown." - Genesis 6: 2,4

Edwards knew right away what Dr. Greenbaulm was up to. "I thought it was just a phase that had passed when Harold finally graduated Bob Jones University," said Dr. Edwards. "I remember he nearly blew up the Creation Science Lab in the Billy Sunday building, and how several of our female classmates were hospitalized with first degree burns around their private areas while he conducted experiments on burning bushes. It was his dream to prove those things could talk. Liberals used to joke that he was a Mad Creation Scientist."

Apparently Dr. Greenbaulm's passion for using experiments in Creation Science to gather physical evidence to support the most difficult verses in the Bible had turned diabolical when left unchecked over the years. Edwards found that the doctor was conducting experiments on human subjects, trying to extract the remnants of Angel DNA from their shoulder bones with nothing more than a hack saw and a pair of tweezers. The entire complex was littered with human corpses.

Edwards immediately phoned the Landover Baptist Police Department, which arrived the next day and flew Dr. Greenbaulm in restraints to Freehold, Iowa.  In Freehold, the cradle of American Bible-based thinking, his misdirected genius could be better served by using state of the art equipment and the guidance and Godly accountability of Dr. Edwards and his staff of qualified Creation Scientists.

The Landover Baptist Center for Creation Research reports that under their supervision, Dr. Greenbaulm's experiments on unsaved human subjects (most of which are comprised of local Native American Injuns whose cooperation is often secured with little more than a tin cup full of lighter fluid) have drastically reduced the patient fatality rates recorded when the Doctor was conducting his research in isolation.  And since Injuns are irritants to most people they know, it is a very rare event indeed when anyone takes the trouble to file a missing persons report with intrusive authorities.

Pastor Deacon Fred told the enthralled congregation during Sunday services:  "Greenbaulm's important research will continue to receive funding here at Landover Baptist and through through the dollars of hard-working U.S. taxpayers until we can find or create physical proof that giants with the Lord's DNA are buried all over this planet. Otherwise, the Bible is nothing but a collection of crazy stories and we know that just is not so.  Especially after Walter Jenkins showed last year that a human could live inside a whale for three days.  Unfortunately, he stayed in there for three days and eleven minutes and was dead when we pulled him out.  Now, a lot of folks think that Jesus was the only Son of God.  But Genesis teaches us that the Lord had a lot of prototype Sons of God running around the world at one time.  Scripture tells us that they impregnated attractive little human ladies, who underwent the excruciating pain of delivering giants from their enormously extended wombs.*  Friends, if we can find proof that Genesis Chapter 6 is literally true, I want to be the very first to wag those enormous giant bones in the smug little faces of  misguided liberal scientists who think the Bible is nothing more than a load of Mother Goose hooey.  What a glorious day that will be!  Praise God.  And with your generous contribution, it will all be possible.  Glory!"

*Landover Baptist is not from the school of thought that giants who were born to women who mated with angels were actually the "dinosaurs."  This theory was made popular in the late 19th Century by the Methodists.  We believe that a woman's uterus, no matter how flexible, could never accommodate the size of a Brontosaurus.  







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