Perversions of Creation
How the Biblical quest to find angel DNA in humans led one Creation Scientist into the heart of madness.
Iowa - There is a growing concern in the Creation
Science community in regard to the accountability of our
who receive federal grants to conduct Creation Science
experiments and research from their secluded laboratories, are getting unacceptable results. When
these well-intentioned doctors work without any supervision
other than the company of an invisible bird we call, the Holy Spirit
and pair of protective goggles,
oftentimes their experiments in rational Bible-based science
produce dangerous and catastrophic consequences (as seen in
the picture on your right).
On a recent visit to the Greenbaulm Creation Science
Laboratory, located in the remote mountainous lake region of
the Saskatchewan Territory, Chairman of the Landover Baptist
Center for Creation Research, Dr. Jonathan Edwards, made a
startling discovery. "I was asked by Pastor Deacon Fred
to pay a visit to Dr. Harold Greenbalm, who happened to be a
colleague of mine from Bob Jones University (Biblical
Biology Department)," said
Edwards. "He hadn't been heard from in over two-years.
The last anyone could remember was that he received a small
grant from the Southern Baptist Convention, in addition to
tax-payers dollars to conduct
controversial Creation research at a secure location
somewhere in godless Canada. It wasn't until Pastor Deacon
Fred received a distressing call in the early morning hours
from a very drunk telephone evangelist, Dr. J.R. Grooms,
that Dr. Greenbalm's location was ultimately revealed."
Within days, Dr. Edwards arrived at the remote Pine House
Lake by chartered amphibious aircraft. The Greenbaulm
Creation Science Laboratory was located in what used to be
the Central Canadian Mental Asylum for the Incurably Insane.
The asylum was abandoned in 1902 in the sad recognition that
there weren't enough bricks to build asylums to house all
the crazies in Canada, but it's halls still echoed with
ghastly reminders of the atrocities committed there. The
shaded rooms still rung with the blood-curdling voices of
long-since-dead patients muttering out unspeakable
blasphemies. Dr. Edwards was never
one to be shocked by Scripture, but when he read the Bible
verse splashed against the entrance hall in human blood it
sent a powerful shiver down his spine to the nape of his
buttocks, causing his anus to impulsively expand and
contract like the lips of a little red fish out of
water desperately gasping for life.
sons of God saw the daughters of men that they were fair;
and they took them wives of all which they chose. There were
giants in the earth in those days; and also after that, when
the sons of God came in unto the daughters of men, and they
bare children to them, the same became mighty men which were
of old, men of renown." - Genesis 6: 2,4
Edwards knew right away what Dr. Greenbaulm was up to.
"I thought it was just a phase that had passed when
Harold finally graduated Bob Jones University," said Dr.
Edwards. "I remember he nearly blew up the Creation
Science Lab in the Billy Sunday building, and how several of our
female classmates were hospitalized with first degree burns
around their private areas while he conducted experiments on
burning bushes. It was his dream to prove those things could
talk. Liberals used to joke that he was a Mad Creation
Apparently Dr. Greenbaulm's passion for using experiments
in Creation Science to gather physical evidence to support the
most difficult verses in the Bible had turned diabolical
when left unchecked over the years. Edwards found that the
doctor was conducting experiments on human subjects, trying
to extract the remnants of Angel DNA from their shoulder
bones with nothing more than a hack saw and a pair of
tweezers. The entire complex was littered with human
Edwards immediately phoned the Landover Baptist Police
Department, which arrived the next day and flew Dr.
Greenbaulm in restraints to Freehold, Iowa.
In Freehold, the cradle of American Bible-based
thinking, his misdirected genius could be better served by
using state of the art equipment and the guidance and Godly
accountability of Dr. Edwards and his staff of qualified
The Landover Baptist Center for Creation Research reports
that under their supervision, Dr. Greenbaulm's experiments
on unsaved human subjects (most of which are comprised of
American Injuns whose cooperation is often secured with
little more than a tin cup full of lighter fluid) have
drastically reduced the patient fatality rates recorded when
the Doctor was conducting his research in
since Injuns are irritants to most people they know, it is a
very rare event indeed when anyone takes the trouble to file
a missing persons report with intrusive authorities.
*Landover Baptist is not from the school of thought that giants who were born to women who mated with angels were actually the "dinosaurs." This theory was made popular in the late 19th Century by the Methodists. We believe that a woman's uterus, no matter how flexible, could never accommodate the size of a Brontosaurus.