July 2006

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Landover's July 4th New York Times Burning Covers Half of Des Moines in a Heavy Blanket of Soot and Ash

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Freehold, Iowa - "I almost broke my kneecap from slapping it so hard with laughter when I saw them city folks on Fox News," said Pastor Deacon Fred.  Their faces were all covered in the black, sooty remains of that Marxist treason rag.  It looked like a city full of pop-eyed Negroes!  I saw more than a few old gray ladies shuffling around like they needed a good dusting! Nice to know that the Jew York Times could finally do something useful -- make me laugh -- even if it took burning over 12,000 of them to do it.  And the wonderful thing about burning newspapers, instead of books, is that they provide their own kindling. Glory to God!"

"I want you to know that I called Mr. Bush this very morning and suggested a great idea for protecting our government's secrets from the prying eyes of nosy taxpayers. I told him to just outsmart them by following Landover's example and burn every single piece of paper in the White House, the CIA and the Library of Congress. That way, there won't be any confidential documents for New York Times reporters to insert in their buttocks and smuggle out of DC, to later wipe off and publish to the delight of all them overly curious people who read newspapers."

After the enormous success of Landover Baptist's 45-foot bonfire, representatives of the paper tried to put on a brave face in a press release by citing to the fact that they had run through a $12,765 charge on the church's American Express Black Card for the cost of the papers.

"What in tarnation is a newspaper doing releasing a press release for?" Pastor Deacon Fred asked in response to the New York Times statement. "That's like Reba McEntire hiring someone to sing at her own wedding! Them folks at the Jew York Times act all surprised our church could afford over $12,000 of their lousy, secrets-blabbing papers? I don't know what kind of business they think we are in that that kind of money would mean anything to us. They must think we are a hardware store selling hammers -- instead of a Christian church selling Jesus! What those folks in New York don't realize is that this is just the beginning of their humiliation. Next week, we're going to buy $50,000 of their dang Sunday papers. And the week after that: even more! You mark my words! We'll see who has the last laugh, won't we?"





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