August 2000

All the crying and protesting by pansy liberal activists over the recent lethal injections of undesirable minorities, simply because they might not be guilty of that particular murder, has diverted attention from one of Landover's most significant political moves to date.  Last week, during the first summer session of the Iowa State Legislature, State Senator Hugo White, whose family has been among the Landover elite for generations, proposed a complete revamping of the state penal code.  In particular, White's bill would replace contemporary religion-free penalties for most criminal offenses with punishments that come straight from the Books of the Bible (with emphasis on Leviticus and Deuteronomy).

"Crime has overtaken even the great state of Iowa," noted Senator White. "Why, in my youth, Christian families could leave their doors unlocked and roam the streets without fear of persecution.  Today, Christians who protest at a gay boy's funeral or pass out Jesus tracts at a synagogue find themselves being chastised and sometimes cursed.  It's appalling."  Senator White attributes today's crime wave to lax penalties for misdemeanors established by what he terms the "pansy-JFK-plus" generation.  "Ever since we let those do-gooders, including those John 3:16 liberals, take over, we have coddled criminals.  We want to know why they're like they are.  We want to know what problems they had as children that led them to lives of crime. All these silly questions are a bigger waste of time than Catholic confession.  There is only cause of crime -- Satan. And there is only going to be one cure -- God's law.  Why worry about their childhood?  If we had instituted some of the penalties prescribed by God, they wouldn't have made it past childhood and wouldn't be committing crimes today."

Senator White's bill reinstates many of the penalties God mandated for petty offenses committed by the Israelites.  The bill was the product of three months of intense work sessions involving White and other Republican members of the legislature.  "Some of the issues were fairly straightforward.  If you speak to your parents with bad language, you're beaten to death.  If you worship a God other than the Christian one, you are executed.  If you eat or drink too much, your life ends.  Simple enough," noted White.  "However, some of the prescriptions had to be modified to contemporary times.  After all, there isn't a lot of sacrificing of animals at the altars these days, so the verses ordering the violent demise of those who sacrifice beasts with a blemish or which lack hooves had to be adapted to modern society.  In today's world, comparable acts include walking a dog without a pooper scooper or  negligently allowing your cow to wander the highways until struck by a neighbor's car.  Right now, those offenses are punishable with fines.  But not under my bill!  Believe me, if the law were as God ordered, none of us would ever again have to worry about striking some heifer while driving county roads early in the morning."

Unfortunately, Senator White's bill has yet to pass committee.  Aside from whining about fairness (one of their principal tactics), Democrats have expressed concern that the bill will be found unconstitutional in federal court. Republicans have expressed the only real concern: whether it will be financially feasible to implement the Old Testament penalties and to provide adequate facilities for the disposal of transgressors' bodies.  Testifying in response to the latter concern was longtime Landover pastor, Brother Harry Hardwick.  As all Landover members know, Brother Harry is an international financial consultant who provides expert analysis on the Christian effects of any governmental or business policy (for a proper fee). Senator White determined that one of Brother Harry's consulting groups - Carefully Rating Unknown Ethereal Laws - would provide competent analysis of his bill. Senator White therefore subpoenaed Brother Harry to testify to the committee.

Brother Harry defended Senator White's bill under intense cross-examination from cost-conscious Republicans and irritatingly compassionate Democrats.  Several Republicans expressed skepticism over whether the penalties were economically feasible.  Brother Harry answered each concern head-on.  "Plagues, disease and pestilence aren't nearly as difficult as you might think," Brother Harry noted. "We can easily inject wrongdoers with a myriad of viruses which have been stored by our military for use against brown and yellow people who refuse to accept our plan for the planet.  Frankly, swarms of locusts aren't that difficult either.  We can manufacture them on farms in Freehold.  And the military can provide us with  biological matter that will expand their populations. Granted, swarms of locusts aren't very accurate, wo we can expect some collateral damage. But you have to wonder what these so-called "innocent victims" were doing so close to a sinner in the first place.

The most intense moment in the proceedings occurred when a leading Democratic senator asked Brother Harry about the New Testament verse in which Jesus stated that only a person who is free from sin should cast the first stone.  Brother Harry responded: "Jesus did kind of throw a monkey wrench into the situation with that careless statement.  But only with regard to stoning, which is just one of God's many obligatory ways of killing sinners.  A typical rebellious son, Jesus was always questioning His Daddy's edicts.  Whereas God said anyone on the townsquare could let loose with the throwing of rocks at the despicable sinner's head, Jesus insisted that the first thrower must be an unblemished person.   I would volunteer myself, but I sinned in 1967 during an unfortunate incident involving one of those flower children which I don't care to discuss now.  So I'm out.  However, I have consulted America's Best Christian, Mrs. Betty Bowers, who, to date, is sin-free, and she has agreed to start the process for those deserving."

Mrs. Bowers was more than happy to volunteer to serve the state.  "As I have noted on countless occasions, Jesus' edict constitutes the bestowing of a great honor.  To be the one chosen to cast the first stone is much like being the one selected to pitch the first baseball of the major league season.  I will therefore exercise my duties humbly.  I will practice my toss on undocumented aliens throughout the off-punishment season, and when called upon, I will do my best to place a well-rounded stone right on the sinner's temple.  Bear in mind, however, that I am simply a petite Christian lady and lack the physical strength to effect God's edict that the sinner die an excruciating death.  Indeed, without a well-placed pulley, I am afraid I will be able to inflict little more than an unsightly bruise.  Fortunately, once my Jesus-sanctioned throw has occurred, it will be open season on the sinner.  Then, whole families can join in on finishing the job before taking advantage of the occasion to fellowship and, weather permitting, picnic."

A committee vote is expected on Senator White's proposal early next Fall.

How well do you know the Bible? Take the Landover Baptist Bible Punishment Quiz, Today! Click here.





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