August 2004

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Swarms of Africanized Killer Demons Invade Freehold!

Local News

For the first time since September 12, 2001, Landover Baptist Church has raised its “Demon Alert Status” to bright red.  “We had hoped to avoid such action until at least a month before the Presidential election,” an exasperated Pastor Deacon Fred announced at Monday’s emergency press conference, held outside the bolted doors of the Landover Memorial Exorcism Center.  “But the onslaught of this particularly virulent strain of demons has created a public morality crisis of epic proportions.”  Church officials had to act quickly to mobilize enough migrant Mexicans to install 10,000 blood-red light bulbs into the 500-foot neon sign atop the main chapel in time for the press conference, scheduled just days earlier.

The elevated alert status became inevitable after countless reports of bizarre behavior by church members and their children.  It all began Wednesday, July 28th, when the John Alabaster family children returned home to their gated community.  Fighting back tears, Mrs. Alabaster told reporters, “My blue-eyed, blonde-haired baby, John Jr,. walked in the house, his upper body swaying side to side, with this swaggering look on his face and said something like, ‘Yo-yo-yo, ol' Lady, sis and I are splittin’ this jive slamma’ and dissin’ you and the mista’.  We gonna hang with our homies down at their crib.  We catch ya’ on the rebound, couple hours, tops.’  At first, I was thrilled, concluding as any True Christian® mother would that my boy was possessed by the Holy Spirit and speaking in tongues.  I dropped to my knees and rattled off an equal amount of jibberish.  But when I arose, I witnessed the most horrifying sight through the open door.  Our teenagers were entering the back seat of a banged up black Cadillac, with a colored boy and girl in the front!  I have no idea how they made it through security in the first place.  I immediately told my husband something was amiss and he closely followed in our Volvo.

“It seemed like I followed them forever,” noted an irate Mr. Alabaster, after scolding his wife for her unapproved spontaneous display of emotion.  “We passed through suburbs, then entered Main Street downtown.  After taking a left between the Greyhound station and Popeye’s, the vehicle turned into one of several housing projects and I almost lost them.  I saw them enter an apartment, but by the time I parked, I couldn’t figure out which one – they all looked the same, much like their residents.  I wandered for hours before finally spotting my offspring through a window.  They were standing among a group of Negroes, thrusting their hips and private parts while someone screamed voodoo-like rhymes to a drumbeat in the background.  I knew immediately this wasn’t the work of the Holy Spirit but of the devil, himself.”  Mr. Alabaster called the police on his cell phone, after which the ghetto residents were arrested for kidnapping and later charged as adults and the Alabasters were returned to their parents, to experience a full oil emersion exorcism before being enrolled in the church’s Ex-Negro Ministry, as a precautionary measure.

This was by no means an isolated incident of inexplicable conduct.  Last week, Landover Junior High reported a record 16 expulsions for improper grooming.  But rather than the boys’ hair being too long and the girls cutting theirs, the reverse occurred.  The young men had shaved their heads and the girls had attached extensions to their hair.  Mrs. Betty Bowers, America’s Best Christian, reported that her normally well-heeled chauffeur had placed fuzzy dice on the rear view mirror of her limousine.  At Thursday’s Ladies of Landover bridge game, 40-year-old Ima Mae Tucker was overheard complaining about the size of her husband’s genitals.  And Saturday afternoon, the Landover High Basketball Team defeated MLK High in a summer scrimmage for the first time in 35 years.  More shockingly, over half the team’s points were scored in the paint rather than from the perimeter.

Church Creation Scientist, Dr. Jonathan Edwards, concluded the obvious last week – the outrageous behavior is the product of demon possession.  What was surprising was Dr. Edwards’ conclusion that these are not the plain vanilla demons the church faces on a regular basis.  They are a lower breed of unenlightened demons that hail from Africa.  “I have warned the church for years about those summer Bible safari tours of Ethiopia,” Dr. Edwards reported.  “For entertainment, some church members approach the locals on the other side of the electrified fences of their estates, tossing pieces of bread and small worms and watching the children catch them in their mouths before they hit the ground.  It was just a matter of time before the demons that infest the souls of all those people leapt into the unsuspecting bodies of normal folks.  I suspect those demons have been multiplying almost as fast as their former hosts do ever since the church group returned last month.”

Pastor Deacon Fred ordered all church members to appear in Philippians Park Wednesday afternoon for a laying on of hands by church deacons.  Female members are to report to Deacon Fred and male members must report to Deacon Adrian Montrose.  Each member will stand next to a pen of 2,000 guinea pigs trucked in from Des Moines.  After the exorcisms are completed, the then-demon-filled rodents will be herded to and drowned in Landover Lake.  “We would have preferred the Biblically correct receptacle of actual swine,” Pastor reported.  “But the local price of pork in this still Clinton-depressed economy couldn’t withstand the loss of stock.  I’m sure the Lord will understand.”

In an attempt to assuage local hysteria, Brother Harry Hardwick assured the media the problem was short-term.  “Something like this happens every four years, right around the time the Demoncrats hold their Presidential convention,” he noted.  “Despite the prohibition on watching that event, some church members are exposed to all those speeches about unity, equality and everyone being the same. That’s when they become most vulnerable to Satan’s minions.  Rest assured, come November 3rd, when President Bush is re-elected, the nation will once again be separated by race and economics.  And when our church members remember everyone’s proper place, they’ll expel those demons, themselves, forcing them to infest the lesser souls of the type of bodies they formerly inhabited.”




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