The Corpse Bride:  Hollywood's New Obsession With Necrophilia

Freehold, Iowa - In glossing over the latest Hollywood movies coming soon to theaters, it seems that having sexual relations with dead people will be the secular trend this fall season. This practice is also known by the fancy made-up scientific word, necrophilia. Either way you put it, it involves visiting a graveyard with a shovel, finding a tombstone with a name on it that makes your willy tingle, unearthing the rotting corpse thereunder and engaging in unmentionable acts of carnality once you have the body above ground. Creation Scientists tell us that in some cases, folks just jump right in the grave as soon as the coffin is open, but our tests and studies conducted right here at Landover Baptist indicate this only happens one out of fifteen times.

One particularly disturbing film that follows the trend of promoting necrophilia will soon be polluting theaters outside of Freehold, Iowa. It is called, The Corpse Bride, and it is directed by a man who we believe to be very active in Wiccan society. His name is Timothy Burton. That sounds like an innocent enough name, but a quick glance at his film portfolio will send a stampede of tiny hoofed demons shivering down your spine, right to the small of your back!

The Corpse Bride makes no bones about its premise. Hollywood has abandoned all shame. There is no coy packaging of this feature, it is what it is: a children's movie that promotes sexual relations with the dead. "If you can't see that," says Pastor Deacon Fred, "then you are not looking through the eyes of Jesus Christ. And you are blind as those dirty birds we call bats!"

Church members learned about the film during Sunday morning services, when Pastor Deacon Fred, visibly shaken, announced that he had received an advanced copy of the feature. "While having carnal relations with a pile of bones is a common enough practice among Wiccans," he joked, "the only pile of old bones my tallywhacker is gonna to go pokin' around in, is my wife!" He then turned somber and grew more and more angry as he revealed the disgusting details of the film to a shocked congregation. His message reached a fever pitch as he yelled, "As for this Tim Burton fellow, he best keep his lewd fantasies to himself!  If George W. Bush would get off his lazy good-for-nothing hiney and start fulfilling some of the promises and prophecies he made to us Christian folks who got him elected, Tim Burton would be in a mental institution by now, or even better - jailed up for good!  Instead, we have to sit idly by and watch as he releases instructional films, packaged as so-called "entertainment," to our young people. This Corpse Bride movie of his is teaching youngsters that it is a-ok to dig up a corpse, and start humping away on the bones. No doubt that's where they came up with the filthy ghetto slang, boning!"

"If you are a saved, washed from head to toe in the sweet blood of Jesus True Christian™ - this film it outta make you angry!" Pastor continued. The only thing I can do is make this information available on our church web site, and hope that millions of True Christian™ parents get the message early so they can prevent their children from viewing this vile educational feature. For those doubters out there, I have to tell you we've got an old Injun burial ground out back behind the Creation Science Lab full of toppled grave stones and dug up corpses because we care enough to get the facts and study this sort of nonsense before we release information to the public!

 

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