Bible Based Reality Show, Too Gruesome for Network Television

Christian Fear Factor to Air Only on Baptist Network

Freehold, Iowa-   All True Christians® know that NBC's television show, Fear Factor, is nothing to be afraid of. It's not surprising that the Hollywood Jews who created the program didn't consult their Bible for ideas. "Most of them Jews don't have the stomach for the Lord's Word anyway," said Pastor Deacon Fred. "For example, those Torah Cards they read are very clear in telling them what the Lord wants them to do, but when was the last time you saw a Jew sacrifice an animal, much less stone a harlot or small child?  You see those Jew boys have spent so much time ignoring their half-Bible that they forgot that the Lord's idea of things that create fear in humans is way more diabolical than anything even network television can come up with!  One reason for this faint-heartedness is namby-pamby secular laws that restrict our sacred rights to hurt folks in the name of God.   Half the stuff God commands them cheap suits to do in their so-called Torah is illegal in all 50 States. Oh heck, let's be honest here folks, the American public is so coddled and made weak by the fake "God is Love" Hallmark Greeting Card Jesus that false Christians promote, they don't even have the stomach for the gruesome fear that He alone can cause!  Well, that, my friend, is about to change!"

True Christians who read and understand the Bible are thanking God for privately owned not-completely-for-profit Christian Television stations like the Landover Baptist Broadcasting Network® (LBN). One  well-known evangelist remarked, "It is the only station in America with Christian balls enough to take NBC's sissy version of Fear and give it back to the author of all Fear - The Living, Vengeful God!"

This fall, LBN will broadcast one of the most eagerly awaited Bible based reality programs since Levitical Law Week. 6 Bible Fear Factor participants will compete head to head each week in grueling Bible based competitions.

BIBLE FEAR FACTOR - Fridays at - 8 P.M.

1.  The First Challenge: Collect 200 Foreskins  (1 Samuel 18:27)

Each Bible Fear Factor contestant will have 8 hours to collect two hundred foreskins with nothing more than a toenail clipper, a roll of paper towels, a Mason Jar, and 3 bus tokens. Since participants know the nature of this challenge long before the competition begins, they will have plenty of time to track down enough unsaved people with uncircumcised penises within a 100 mile radius of Des Moines (the keen contestant will be on the lookout for perfectly groomed flower beds, knowing that a Mexican gardener can't be too far away!). The three Christians who come back with the most foreskins in their Mason Jars, will advance to the next round. Because each foreskin will be measured to validate the accuracy of a Biblical circumcision, it is recommended that each penis be cut according to the following Baptist (Bible) standard, to avoid any discrepancies. (Please Note: any female participating in this particular Biblical Challenge will be stoned as a harlot during May sweeps.)

"Wherefore David arose and went, he and his men, and slew of the Philistines two hundred men; and David brought their foreskins, and they gave them in full tale to the king, that he might be the king's son in law. And Saul gave him Michal his daughter to wife."  (1Samuel 18:27)

2.  The Second Challenge: Eat a Bowl of Live Locusts   (Matthew 3:4)

Each Bible Fear Factor contestant will have one hour to partake in John the Baptist's favorite meal: Locusts. Contestants will be allowed a teaspoon of honey every 15-minutes (as was John the Baptist) to prevent the locusts from hopping around in their stomachs or crawling back up their throats. The two Christians who consume the most locusts in an hour will advance to the third and final round of Bible Fear Factor.

"And the same John had his raiment of camel's hair, and a leathern girdle about his loins; and his meat was locusts and wild honey."  (Matthew 3:4)

3. The Final Challenge: Under the Knife!   (Mark 9:43)

Bible Fear Factor finalists will start with their fingers, move to their hands, feet, eyes and private areas, cutting off each one! Whoever bails out and can't part with any more of their own body parts for whatever reason, forfeits the prize to the other finalist.

"And if thy hand offend thee, cut it off: it is better for thee to enter into life maimed, than having two hands to go into hell, into the fire that never shall be quenched."  (Mark 9:43)

 

 

 

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