September 2004

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Jay Leno's Anti-Christian Agenda


Freehold, Iowa - Church members were shocked and saddened to hear from their secular television watching domestic help that bawdy late night talk show host, Jay Leno openly ridiculed Jesus Christ and the Landover Baptist Church community on one of his recent programs in between scatological jokes.  

The blasphemous attack took place during the segment called, "Headlines," [the lewd title being a smutty reference to the Hollywood pastime of snorting cocaine off of the head of a turgid male sex organ] a special part of the show where Mr. Leno showcases his vicious personal agenda of undermining conservative Americans, mothers, church goers, unborn children and anyone else who doesn't think Jesus will overlook a life of drugs, hookers and smarmy innuendo if you have enough cars in your garage.

Watch Jay Leno Mock Our True Christian™ Effort to Win Souls For Christ.

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Mr. Leno forced his audience (people tuning in night after night with waning hope that Mr. Carson will reappear) into laughing unwillingly over a Landover Baptist newspaper advertisement which offered a free phone to anyone who accepts Jesus Christ as their Personal Savior before January 1st. 

"Landover Baptist's,  Free Phones For Christ advertisement was placed in every major newspaper in the country," said Pastor Deacon Fred. "We should be commended for caring enough about the souls and eternal security of American citizens to offer them free phones and a Playstation 2 in exchange for their salvation.  Instead we are mocked! Ridiculed on national television by some fat, moon faced, pompous pasta-slurping Mary Worshipper!  Well, Mr. Leno, we'll have time to laugh at you too, when you are being sodomized by demons on the shores of the lake of fire!  There is a special place in Hell reserved for people who make a sport out of mocking God's followers!"

A high profile team of unrepentant Jewish lawyers was hired by the Landover Baptist Board of Deacons immediately after Mr. Leno's blasphemous broadcast. "I want these anti-Christian hate crimes to stop!  People who trade in hatred need to be thrashed within a inch of breath, or worse." Pastor Deacon Fred told church members last Sunday. "If they don't stop soon, Jesus is going to make us hurt someone. Mr. Leno should not be allowed to use his pornographic television program to promote his hateful personal agenda to turn his demographic against Christ.  When I think of how much cold hard cash a program with that big an audience could generate if it were devoted to scaring the daylights out of folks with the Gospel, it makes me weep.  Friends, If  Mr. Leno can't call out the name in praise, he needs to shut up about Jesus! If he has a problem with True Christians™ then he ought to move back to France, because this here is our country and we are here to stay! And God willing, when George W. Bush gets four more years, he'll make it a top priority to boot kick that conceited whoremonger out of here!"

Pastor Deacon Fred also noted that Mr. Leno's ignorance of True Christianity™ is pretty telling. "If you notice in the beginning of the video clip, he makes a comment to his colored sidekick, Winfred Marsalis, saying, 'Your dad is a deacon in the church, no?' Well friends, if you ask me, that pretty much shows what an ignoramus Mr. Leno is, either that - or he is just mocking God further. Anyone with a lick of sense knows that there is no such thing as a 'black deacon.' A colored man might think he is a deacon, but he is only fooling himself.  It's much like that Madonna woman calling herself a virgin.  She can say it a million times, but it just ain't so. And you can tell by Mr. Marsalis' forced laughter, that he knows this to be true."

The biggest problem caused by Mr. Leno's vicious attack on Christ was that Landover Baptist was inundated with thousands of frantic phone calls from people clamoring to accept Jesus if the phone included a camera.  Landover was left in the regrettable position of turning these people away from Christ, as the Church currently has no phones in its Enticements Warehouse.  Landover is in litigation with AT&T over the company's despicable decision to ignore Jesus' call on them to tear up their usurious contract with Landover and give 15,000 phones to the church without payment as a love offering. 

"We've instructed those obedient little people in India that answer all of the Church's toll-free calls to ask callers to hold off on accepting Jesus as their Personal Savior until next year," said Mrs. Betty Bowers.  "By then, our promotion with Lincoln-Mercury should be in full swing.  Mark my words: that incentive program will be so fabulous that even people who have already adopted Jesus as their Savior, will publicly renounce Him in the most vicious way, just so they can later accept Him all over again to qualify for the free Navigator with a $70,000 love gift we will be offering exclusively to new Christians."




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