September 2006

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The Devil Now Wears Sequins!

Satan Makes Slut-Spotting Easy by Tagging Trailer Park Harlots with Easy-to-Spot Sequins

"In like manner also, that women adorn themselves in modest apparel, with shamefacedness and sobriety; not with broided hair, or gold, or pearls, or costly array"  --1 Timothy 2:9

Satan's fashion "must have" this season -- sequins -- is turning our country's godly womenfolk into a pack of prowling Las Vegas showgirls. Decent Christian gals have no business adorning their plump backsides and tummies with denim bedazzled with gold and silver sequins or shiny objects of any color. The Lord never intended for them to slink around town looking like a bunch of pear-shaped aluminum Christmas trees. The Bible, the only Vogue magazine any Christian needs, is quite clear: Just like the flash of garish feathers on peacocks says, "I want to go to the nest for copulation!" the flash of sequins on a young lady says, "I want to go to Hell for being a harlot!"

"Harlotry is not a behavior we tolerate in our Christian community, and most certainly not among the sweet Godly young ladies attending Landover Baptist University," says Pastor Deacon Fred. "Friends, if you see a floozy walking around the mall, decked out in more sequins than a coked-up Liza Minnelli passed out on the floor at Studio 54, I know that your first impulse will be to walk up to her and smack her across her rouged face with Bible tracts until she calls out the name "Jesus!" in a whimper of fashion remorse.  But wouldn't it lead the flashy tramp to Jesus quicker if you simply leaned the misbegotten harlot over the Clinique counter, took out a pair of pliers and with a righteous wrenching motion, made her gaudy outfit right with the Lord?  She may scream, wriggle and protest, but she'll thank you later when she stands before the Lord in a modest cotton-print on Judgment Day!

Recent Baptist studies in sinful trends among young people reveal that unsaved sex fiends are like crows -- they are attracted to shiny objects. "It is a shame, but even the poorest, most low class slut can pick up a square of flashy sequins, or a pair of shiny slippers with colored fake jewels at her local Wal Mart," says Pastor Deacon Fred. "Because the tiny fingers of the children of Chinamen can make so many cheap sequins, you no longer need to be rich like Paris Hilton to look like a bejeweled Babylonian whore."  While being a sequin-spangled slut may now come at little financial cost, dressing like a disco-ball still comes at a great spiritual cost: Hell.

Warns Mrs. Betty Bowers, in an understated $8,900 vintage Chanel silk suit: "When it comes to being an exacting fashionista, no one can touch the Lord Jesus.  Some gals complain that slipping on a pair of Christian Louboutin 4-inch heels is torture, but glue on a pair of sequins if you want to experience real torture -- in Hell.  Scripture is, after all, rather specific about what Jesus likes to see on the runways.  And while Anna Wintour is renown for her icy regard when confronted with a fashion slip, she is yet to pull a Jesus and bitch-slap anyone into the fires of Hell for an ill-conceived look."

Landover Baptist has Deacons placed at the entrance of every lecture hall at Landover Baptist University this Fall.  They will not hesitate to pull a young lady aside and take her into an empty classroom and ask her to strip naked if they so much as see one cheap, glittering sparkle on her clothes. "God doesn't tolerate it, and neither will we!" says University President, Peter Ballerman. Landover Baptist University promotes an environment of spiritual enrichment, Bible study, and modesty, not a marketplace for flashy whores to peddle their wares and induce teenagers to splatter their seed on trashy sequined bait. Unlike Bob Jones University and Liberty Baptist University, for all intents liberal, left-wing Christian Universities, so hungry for tuition dollars they'll turn a blind eye to secular harlotry quicker than a madam at a Reno whorehouse, Landover Baptist University keeps Biblical tradition alive by making sure we are current with the latest trends and squashing them out before they get a sequined toehold in our Christian world.

University Rules and Fines Update (Effective Sept 1, 2006):

Sub Section 4 - The Landover Way  
Unacceptable Female Attire

BANNED: Anything that reflects the light of a 15-watt appliance bulb

1.  Colored Sequins on clothes of any sort - including shoes - $30.00 fine per sequin
2.  Gold or Silver Sequins on clothes of any sort - including shoes - $60.00 fine per sequin
3.  Reflective surfaces on rings, necklaces, or bracelets - $1200.00 flat fine per article
4.  Sequins, sparkles and stones on accessories (purses, pouches, lunchboxes, cell phones and Sidekicks) - $1200.00 fine
6.  Jewel-encrusted Bibles: All bindings shall become property of Landover Baptist Church  

NOTE: Any shiny object deemed to be a precious gemstone by our church's in-house certified gemologists will be confiscated in addition to any fines and will NOT be returned.



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