The First True Christian™ Computer Operating System!
Here to Discuss JesOS v. 1.0 2-G
Freehold, IA –
Official Press Release: This month, Landover Baptist Community College Computer Science
instructor, Pastor Isaac Peters, along with ten of his hard-working
male students, unveiled the results of a six-month Christian
Service Project that is sure to take the computer world by storm.
They have developed the first known True Christian™ Operating
The system is being released to the Christian public,
although the log-in
sound effect still needs some work.
The project was initiated out of Godly concern that Christians are persecuted
daily by being forced to use Godless, secular humanist operating systems. “Apple™ uses its corporate logo as a clear allusion to the fall of mankind,” says Mr. Peters, “and Windows™ funds a foundation set up by notorious atheist
'do-gooder,' Bill Gates, which seeks to help people in this life while paying no attention to their eternal
destinies. And of course Linux is the handiwork of America-hating Europeans. Quite frankly, knowing this, the response of any Christian should be,
I plead the power and blood of Jesus Christ over my keyboard! Demons
out!” Peters assures potential buyers that JesOS™ is made by Christians, for Christians! And the coding will never be outsourced to a country where they worship cows.”
Sanctifies and Enhances a
Christ-like, Comfortable, and (Lord Willing) an
Unsaved-Free Computing Experience for True Christians™
by Providing the Following Features:
- All applications are integrated with a system-wide, context-sensitive spell checker and King James Bible dashboard widget. For example, if the user types terms such as "gay" or "LGBT," the spell checker will automatically insert the verses from Leviticus and Romans on sodomy. In any text except direct quotations from the King James Bible, the spell checker will automatically correct all spellings to conform to U.S. orthography. "If American English is good enough for Jesus," said Peters, "then it's good enough for JesOS, and it's more than good enough for you."
- The operating system kernel will refuse calls from all applications that have not previously been cleared with the U.S. Department of Faith. For example, users should not expect to be able to play violent video games unless the violence comes straight out of the Old Testament or consists solely of that form of free speech popularly known as "hate crimes."
- Anti-virus protection will not be included. Instead, taking a cue from the instructions in the Epistle of James on faith healing, technical support will be available to pray and hear confessions in order to cast out computer viruses. Support may be reached either through a 1-900 number or the chat channel #computerhealingservice on
- Every document will be thoroughly indexed by our GDesktop Search (or some take-off on the Google Desktop indexer, GDesktop for God-Desktop). All files will be scanned for subversive text (both ASCII and binary, lest Satan tempt someone to try to hide in a lower-base instead of God's own base 10). In addition, any file containing three consecutive 6's will immediately flag your account and a Dept. of Homeland Security will be around to speak with you in 30-45 minutes.
- Provided plug-in for browser: Auto-Caps. Whenever it is detected that you are sharing the tough love of Jesus with homosexuals on the interwebs, the auto caps function WILL AUTOMATICALLY TRIGGER, SO AS TO AVOID HAVING TO LISTEN TO ANY SO-CALLED COUNTER-ARGUMENTS. Also known as the "O'Reilly-Factor".
- Built-in video cameras will allow for monitoring of facial expressions consistent with self-abuse, (or tenderizing one’s tallywhacker as we call it here at Landover Baptist). This is to prevent any pornographic sites from somehow getting through our standard Baptist sex filters. The cameras will operate 24/7, and allow for constant sin protection. Single, widowed men over the age of 65 will have the option of removing these services.
- No “Recycle Bin” will be available on JesOS™. This ensures that the user won't inadvertently lend credence to the Catholic idea of "purgatory", when a file is deleted, it is gone. Jesus sends those bytes straight to the fiery pits of Hell -- no if's, and's or but's about it! Besides, True Christians™ don’t have any need to recycle in the real world, so why should we recycle on the computer?
- Integrated support for the Rapture. Immediately following the Rapture, countless hordes of unsaved trash will descend upon empty True Christian™ houses to steal our underwear and anything else they can find. JesOS™ immediately locks down the computer and sends a Bluetooth signal to any extra supplies you might have laying around, causing them to detonate. Jesus won't be able to accuse you of heavenly treason, aiding the enemy!
- Built-in support for wildly popular Godly programs such as
BibleGateway (1611KJV only).
- Features a brand-new not-yet-released piece of software: DetectBias. Sponsored by Fox News, this handy little tool scans all information coming into your computer for liberal bias and immediately alerts the user when some communistic propaganda is detected.
- Syncs with the global network Republican Party email servers, ensuring that the proper emails are deleted
or lost according to the White House's orders.
- Acts as an email hub, sending hundreds of Special Moments™ Bible stories, verses, testimonies, and huge September 11 slideshows to all your friends and families, and everyone in their address books too!
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