Is DC Sniper Working for Jesus?
Freehold, Iowa- Most experts agree that the
recent shootings in and around the Washington DC area are
the work of a deranged lunatic. But Baptists, who are more
familiar with the ways of the Lord than unsaved police
profilers, disagree. "We believe that the killer was
probably associated with a conservative Christian church at
one time in his life," said Pastor Deacon Fred.
"How else would he know how to shoot a gun so well?
Some wagging tongues have claimed that he can't still be a
Christian if he is killing folks, but they need to put down
their Washington Post and pick up a Bible.
The Lord is always full of fresh ideas about who to
Police officers revealed last week that the killer left a calling card, which implied that he was doing the work of the Lord. A Landover Baptist officer commented, "He must be a little confused, if he is in fact, a Christian. Every red-blooded American Baptist knows that while man is called upon to stone a sinner here and there, running around killing a whole bunch of folks is the Lord's business (Unless, the Lord has promised you a bunch of towns, like He did to the Israelites when they came out of the desert. In that case, you can slaughter all the men, women and children in each town with gusto and impunity!). You see, God is the expert on wholesale slaughter and this sniper could never duplicate the pure terror and panic, that God unleashes upon people who needle Him."
know that this sniper is concerned about God," said
Landover Baptist Youth Director, Geoffrey Weaver. "The
note left at the crime scene that said, I am God,
might just be his way of letting everyone know that Jesus
lives inside of him. It could be a clue to inquire at local
churches as to the identity of the killer." True
Christian® leaders suggest that Jesus might be speaking
through the sniper, guiding his hand to remind the world
that God exists. "Jesus often speaks through His
people," Rev. Jerry Falwell says. "He sometimes
directs His people to shoot up abortion clinics and beat up
vile homosexuals and liberals, to give them a taste of the
fires of Hell right here on Earth. Jesus is about love, but
usually it's tough-love that involves a lot of
NRA spokesman and Ronald Reagan
playmate Charlton Heston opined: "The
problem is not with the sniper, but with the folks without weapons he is
picking off! If everyone in this country were a sniper, we wouldn't have
such easy targets running around. It is not the fault of a gun that some
folks are too stupid to duck when they hear one fire!"
Pastor Deacon Fred, and thousands of other True Christians® around
the country are focusing on prayer, not for the victims of
these recent attacks, but for the killer himself. "The
victims already have too many folks praying for them,"
said Pastor. "Besides, if this killer really is acting
on the Lord's behalf, praying for the victims might be
construed by God as second-guessing His decision to kill
them in the first place.
And, frankly, I don't want to be rubbing the
irritable Lord Jesus the wrong way if He has a hitman
Pastor Deacon Fred, and thousands of other True Christians® around the country are focusing on prayer, not for the victims of these recent attacks, but for the killer himself. "The victims already have too many folks praying for them," said Pastor. "Besides, if this killer really is acting on the Lord's behalf, praying for the victims might be construed by God as second-guessing His decision to kill them in the first place. And, frankly, I don't want to be rubbing the irritable Lord Jesus the wrong way if He has a hitman running around!"
Some people are shocked at the Christian belief that no matter how terrible a person was, they get a free ticket to Heaven if they confess Christ as their savior at the last minute. But Pastor Deacon Fred explains, "Through Christ Jesus and His infinite love and mercy, all things are possible. Besides, if this guy is a saved crazy person out there killing for Jesus, then he is guaranteed a seat at the celebration in Glory. And even if he is an unsaved crazy person, we are praying that he will come to know Jesus Christ as his personal Lord and Savior. It probably won't stop the killing, but it will guarantee that the shooter will be reunited with some of his victims in heaven," said Pastor Deacon Fred. "It's hard for some folks to understand why God would send a little unsaved child who was shot, straight to Hell, and send his killer to Heaven, but it all makes sense to Jesus, and it's in the Bible, so we ought not question it. But the best example I always use to explain it to folks is that if Hitler accepted the Lord Jesus as his Savior moments before dying, then he will be in Heaven, whereas all the Jews he killed definitely won't be in Heaven because they rejected Jesus. See? It all makes sense when you think about it!
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