Helping the Homeless

Free Holiday Leftover Meal For Homeless Who Sign Contract and Confess Christ

Outreach Ministry

Freehold, Iowa - Pastor Deacon Fred announced earlier this week that Landover Baptist will be providing free Thanksgiving leftover meals for the homeless population in downtown Freehold, Iowa.  "They will have to confess Christ at the door, and sign an agreement where our church will get 25% off of all future money they get from panhandling," said church treasurer, Gil Anderson.  "We all know that these lazy irresponsible people won't learn a thing if they get a free handout.  The agreement they sign will teach them a valuable lesson about life and maybe make them think twice about becoming a lay-about in God's favorite town, Freehold, Iowa!"

Church members are asked to donate leftovers from their Thanksgiving meals to assist in the homeless dinner which will take place one week after Thanksgiving.  "Someone will be by your houses with a bucket," said Pastor Deacon Fred.  "We want to make this as easy as possible for everyone, so you just have to dump whatever slop you have left over into the bucket and we'll pitch it into some trash cans and let them cook it up down at the junkyard."

Homeless people who qualify for the free leftover meal will also be asked to sit through a small church service where they will sing hymns and smile through several photo sessions with wealthy church members and local Republican politicians.  They will also be required to listen to Pastor Deacon Fred's 2-hour Thanksgiving sermon.  There will be an additional altar call after the service for those who wish to rededicate their lives to Christ again after making a profession of faith two-hours earlier.


Disclaimer: So-called, "Christian" homeless people are not welcome to the free meal since we all know that there is no such thing as a Christian homeless person (at least not in Freehold, Iowa).  The "Christian" homeless person will be offered a chance to deny Christ and then reconfess Him, then rededicate under Pastoral supervision.  Deacons will be on hand to take the person through a brief series of salvation questions and if they answer each one correctly, a Pastor will make a determination of sincerity and decide whether or not the person gets a free meal.





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