December 2003

Landover Homeowners Association Emulates the Lord, Destroying All That Displeases It

Freehold Iowa - Local Church Community News

The Michael Robert Herron family returned from last Wednesday’s evening services to find they no longer had a house.  To their consternation and amazement, when they turned into Wrath of God cul-de-sac, the lot that had contained their quarter-scale model of the Alamo home just two hours earlier, now sported fresh sod and a lovely weeping willow tree.  Unbeknownst to the Herrons, as soon as they pulled out of the driveway to make their way to Landover Baptist, their neighbor, Mrs. Ginger Kravitz, Secretary of the Leviticus Acres Homeowners’ Association flipped open her cell phone and gave the signal to Jimmy Bob’s Christian Demolition Service to flatten the Herron’s faux-stucco home and relandscape while the family was away.  “We could have done it while they were sleeping, which was the original plan,” said Mrs. Kravitz, “but part of being a True Christian is showing mercy every now and again and I just felt that we could make our point this time without killing anyone.  But I asked Jimmy Bob to plant that weeping willow to remind that pack of sinners that Jesus weeps for their black, evil hearts.”

Few contents of the bronze-tithers’ former dwelling remained other than the decapitated black, wooly head of young Suzie’s Affenpinscher “Sadie,”which had willfully rolled into traffic, a few pages from Deuteronomy and the muddy remnants of the family’s 50-foot patriot-size American flag.  On a brighter note, Jimmy Bob’s work was so efficient that the family was able to fit what was left of their belongings into the trunk of their Volvo before quickly departing Freehold for good under cover of night, so as not to be seen by Jesus.  Ginger Kravitz, an avid jogger who was hectoring and rebuking the Herrons as she ran beside the car, kept up with them until they were almost in sight of the three 50-foot brass crosses that mark the entrance to the subdivision.

The association, governing the most devout suburb adjacent to Landover Baptist Church, razed the structure at 52349 Wrath of God Circle pursuant to an injunction issued by county court-at-law Judge Luke Wilson, authorizing the association to take any action necessary to ensure compliance with association rules.  Judge Wilson issued the order after Bill Herron missed his deadline to comply with the group’s covenants regarding display of the Ten Commandments on their property.  Homeowners’ Association president, Noah Wild, defended the group’s action.  “The association’s by-laws, as amended after what happened to poor Judge Moore in Alabama, are absolutely clear that every homeowner in Leviticus Acres must display the full text of the Ten Commandments on their mailbox (in at least 14-point Arial font), on their garage door (such that there are no more than one-foot borders of the printing on all sides) and on their driveways (with each letter, in red or blue fluorescent paint, sized no less than six inches in height and two inches in width),” Wild reported at a Thursday afternoon press conference, hastily called by Pastor Deacon Fred to denounce the family’s godless inaction..  “While the Herrons complied with the rules regarding their mailbox and driveway,” Wild continued, “they refused to paint the Lord’s edicts on their garage door, complaining that doing so would undermine the aesthetic appeal of their residence.  They were obviously not True Christians™.”  Witnesses reported that several members of the neighborhood Christian Watch team had painted the term “Devil-Worshippers!” in giant black letters on the Herrons’ garage several days before the demolition.  This was in strict accordance with the written notice provisions of the by-laws that are required to be followed before the Homeowners’ Association can resort to firearms in the enforcement of any covenant. 

In defending the court order and association action, Wild noted this was not the family’s first violation of homeowner association rules.  “After 9/11, the board of directors amended the bylaws to require every resident to fly a 100-percent cotton, 50-foot American flag from an antenna on their roof or, in the case of cable and satellite dish users, from a pole erected above a dividing line no less than one inch below the intersection of the roof and the highest wall of the structure.  The Herrons instead flew a 30-foot poly-blend flag from the flagpole in their front yard.  In addition to the bylaw requirement of spraypainting “Devil Worshipers!” on their garage, we extended the courtesy of sending  them written notice by certified mail that, while the lesser flag might be acceptable in America-hating neighborhoods populating by working class Democrats , it was not a substitute for the more prominent proof of patriotism required by the association.  After all, several residents two blocks down reported they couldn’t even see the Herrons’ flag on windless days.  It took a temporary restraining order from Judge Wilson before they eventually complied.”

“Unfortunately, there are still Communist Satanic peaceniks (as redundant as all that sounds) living in our very own community, masquerading as real Christian Americans,” an irate Pastor Deacon Fred told the media and several hundred church members attending the press conference.  “We discovered some of them after the Lord gave the go-ahead to demolish the World Trade Center towers and even more after the far greater emergency that occurred when the liberal federal judiciary denounced God’s presence in Alabama.  Anyone who isn’t willing to display the Ten Commandments in every place he controls is spitting into the face of Jesus.  The Christian way to stop graffiti is to place God’s word on every blank space in the community.  The Lord forbids graven images, which is why we limit ourselves to non-graven images like the flag, the Bible and huge marble tablets.” 

Brother Harry Hardwick, president of the Board of Deacons, announced that the board had voted that morning to permanently expel the Herrons from church membership.  “We can only hope this will prevent these demons from ever showing their Commandment-flaunting faces in this holy community again.”  Freehold Sheriff, Bubba Klux, then assured those present there was little danger the Herrons would ever again endanger the children of Freehold with their liberal views.  “Local ordinance 3146(b)(2) prohibits desecration of the American flag by allowing it to touch the ground.  It was certainly foreseeable to the Herrons that their willful disobedience of association bylaws could result in the razing of their property, and it was thus foreseeable that their flag would fall to the ground.  They are therefore legally responsible for dishonoring the flag, a crime carrying a $5,000 fine and a maximum five-year prison sentence.”

Brother Harry later told reporters the church was negotiating with the association for purchase of the Herrons’ 10-acre estate, to create a new multi-level parking garage for the church.  “This property is right next to our Euro chapel in which church members who have denounced their French or German heritage are permitted to worship.  In a few months, those folks will no longer have to go through the humiliation of walking to service, having everyone on Resurrection Highway think they are crazy Orthodox Jews or something!” 

Mrs. Betty Bowers, reached by cell phone at her Atlanta manse, praised both the association’s action and church’s expulsion.  Mrs. Bowers then skillfully deflected questions regarding the external décor of her own residence.  “As much as I would adore having an absolutely enormous flag flutter above the Italian terra-cotta shingles of my lovely, sprawling Christian home, to say nothing of the overt righteousness of having Ten Commandment passages written so large across my pavement as to pose a distraction to all passing commercial aircraft, unlike most of my Baptist brethren, I sometimes allow good taste and the Lord’s rather niggling proscription against idolatry to confound my opportunities to remind my neighbors of just how much more righteous and patriotic I am, dear.” 





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