Godly Sermons

What Real Christians Should Know About Halloween!

A National Plea From Pastor Deacon Fred - This Sermon Available in Audio

Freehold, Iowa - Friends, it is about that time again when the Devil throws his annual costume party to celebrate gay marriage and other satanic mischief.  Like a coven of crack-crazed Wiccans on motor scooters, Halloween is recklessly approaching, hoping to mow a few saved folks down in its sinuous path.  Every year, the unsaved try to whip up a demonic scare, but this year, Satan's wicked tomfoolery can't hold a candle to the real evil afoot in our once-godly nation.  If Jesus' digital incantations over all the Diebold voting machines in in America are accidentally erased during a demonic reboot, our country is looking at the possibility of spending the next few years under the sway of something far more evil than the red-hoofed Beastmaster: Democrats!

For America to even toy with the idea of electing folks who don't hate homos, has the Lord so hopping mad, He's been killing almost as many people as when He's happy.    Look around: the signs of God's pique are everywhere!  And, friends, when the Lord indulges in spin, He doesn't use words – He uses force 4 hurricanes!  Praise the sweet name of Jesus!  Still angry about almost giving the election to abortion-crazed John Kerry in 2004, the Lord sent a plague of tropical storms to the one state in our Godly Country who never severed their ties with France.  His goal?  To kill enough trailer park inhabitants so that there were less Democrats around to vote – but not so many as to leave Wal-Mart understaffed during the holidays.  That old curved penis-shaped peninsula called Louisiana almost had themselves a circumcision from on high! Glory to God! Whoo wee!

Want another sign of Jesus' displeasure?  Friends, if you look towards the West at night, you will notice that just before the sky goes black as a pickaninny's bottom, it turns the color of a medium-rare porterhouse steak.   There is simple scientifical creationist explanation for this amazing celestial color.  You see, as the Sun spins around the only planet that isn't a heap of junk (Earth), its rays of light refract through blood dripping from Heaven.  You see, millions – maybe, billions -- of gallons of human blood is the necessary byproduct of things not going well when non-Baptists have the nerve to appear before Jesus on White Throne of Judgment.  Normally this sin-runoff is stored in an enormous reservoir in Heaven (approximately the size of Wyoming).  The Lord is painting the sky with His anger my friends!  A furious anger that America might choose leaders who refuse to create the type of chaos in the world that is necessary to trigger Armageddon. 

I am calling on all of you to make sure this never happens.  And, no, I'm not talking about the scores of pre-signed absentee ballots I gave each of you last Sunday.  All of you are going to have to help ensure that this year's Halloween Hell House will give America a real dose of the horrors that befall nations that pander to Jesus' more pacifistic and anti-materialistic weaknesses.  It is a long overdue wake-up call and a call to arms for True Christians™ across America.  Please plan to attend, and bring along an unsaved family member.

If you are planning to visit us at Landover Baptist this Halloween, please view the blueprint plans, area descriptions, and theme for Our Annual Hell House by clicking here.




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