Pastor Deacon Fred Opens Fire in Lingerie Section
of Local Wal-Mart!
in the Footsteps of Christ
Iowa - When Pastor
Deacon Fred pulled into the parking lot of the local
Wal-Mart last Saturday afternoon, he started damning just
about everything in plain view before he even got out of his
Harry Hardwick and Deacon Fred were making a
quick trip to the store to
fill the back of Pastor's BMW SUV with handguns for the
Landover Junior High for the Saved's Annual "Disable,
Then Forgive Our Trespassers" competition
to be held next week on the church's private 1,200 acre
"Garden of Eden," a lovely park that has proved so
alluring to non-church members over the years. "I think
what set Pastor off was seeing that
sticker on the red Volkswagen that stole his parking
place," said Brother Hardwick. "We parked further
out, and Pastor and I walked up to the car to peel the
sticker off the bumper. As we were urinating on the hood of
the liberal's car, Pastor turned to me and asked me if I saw
something funny in the giant red Wal-Mart logo over our
heads. When I said 'no,' he just lit into me," said
Brother Hardwick. Pastor said, "You can't see a damned
penis in there, brother? There are two of them! In the 'L'
letters! One of them is long and thick like mine.
The other is short and squatty like yours, you
Brother Hardwick quickly re-zipped his trousers, cursed
the cold air, pretended to ignore Pastor's remarks, then
made his way to the store with Deacon Fred. Before
they got inside, Brother Hardwick reported that Pastor told
him that every single person that ever bought a red colored
car, no matter what make or model, was a Satan-satisfying,
demon-possessed idiot who was headed straight to hell. When
they entered the store, instead of going to the gun section,
Pastor made a beeline for the children's toy department.
"By the time I caught up with him," said
Brother Hardwick, "he had destroyed two complete rows
of children's toys. I just saw him at the end of the aisle,
stomping on some
Veggie Tales vibrating cucumbers and
yelling out something about Satan and naked little children
when I caught up with him."
The store manager, Horace Wilkins (who is a
member of the Landover Baptist Church) reported that Pastor
was screaming at the top of his lungs as he tore toys off
the walls and ripped the heads off stuffed animals. "He
was screaming about vaginas, penises, the Devil, yelling out
OH-NO! OBAMA! and some things I
couldn't even make out and others that I would never
repeat," said Mr. Wilkins. "It was a sight to
behold! The first thing that came to my mind was that Pastor
Deacon Fred was so full of the Holy Ghost that the Spirit of
God has taken complete possession of his body and sent him
into a sin finding frenzy. Well,
actually, the first thing that went through my head was that
all that crap was insured."
Stepping over broken toys, Brother Hardwick eventually
guided Pastor to the gun section. "All Hell broke loose
about three minutes later," said Brother Hardwick.
"Brother Taylor, the gun clerk, gave Pastor several
clips from the gun counter and loaded up a 357 snub-nosed Pistol. I turned my
head for a second and Pastor was gone. It wasn't until I
heard gunshots in the lingerie section that I yelled out,
'Holy Yenta, Mother of Moses!'"
By the time Brother Hardwick made his way to the lingerie
department, Pastor Deacon Fred had already shot up nearly
$8,000 worth of merchandise. Pastor was about to set fire to
the feminine hygiene aisle when Brother Hardwick finally
caught up with him. "I grabbed him as tightly as I
could and told him, 'restrain yourself in the Lord,
Pastor! Their time will come.' I said, 'We've
got to get you back to church!'"
"I took Pastor's keys and helped him with his safety
belt when we got back into the car," said Brother
Hardwick, "but as we were driving down the highway, he
got his window rolled down and was yelling at other drivers
and violently pitching Chick tracks from the glove
compartment out onto the highway.
He winged a woman waiting for the light on Corn
Avenue with an "Are Mary Worshipers Sucking on Your
Child's Pee-Pee?" tract.
He may have taken her eye out, but I was driving too
fast to tell for sure."
Brother Hardwick was so distraught that he took Pastor to
the Landover Baptist Hospital where they did a blood test
and discovered that his blood alcohol content was nearly
.34. Pastor was ordered to stay at the hospital overnight
and was released the following morning to preach. He had no
recollection of the incident, but church officials are
investigating foul play.
Catholics are always trying to get at us," said
Brother Hardwick. "My guess is that one of those
Catholic waitresses at the Des Moines Denny's got something
into Pastor's orange juice that Saturday morning. When we
get to the bottom of it, there will be hell to pay!"
Wal-Mart claimed that $93,000 of merchandise, fluorescent
light fixtures, floor tiles, display racks and employee
uniforms had been destroyed by Pastor during his
eight-minute outburst. The entire tithe from the Sunday
morning service had been set aside to pay for these repairs.
Once $378,450 in tithes was collected, however,
cooler heads prevailed.
Bowers remarked, "I think someone is exaggerating
rather wildly. Surely,
if one decimated their entire stock, from car tarps to
frocks, if indeed there is a difference, no one could do
$9,000 of damage at a Wal-Mart, much less $93,000!"
Mrs. Bowers then scooped out approximately $900 in
cash and declared: "As God is my witness, this is
rather a lot of money for those people.
Let's consider this unsavory matter now closed.