Bible Based Health!


Is Breastfeeding a Gateway Sin?
What needs to happen here, is to just do away with breastfeeding altogether," said Pastor Deacon Fred. "Poor young Christian boys are being weaned into oral gratification from infancy and the whole thing just stinks like the devil's hiney...  
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Circumcise Yourself!
Look between your legs.  Does your penis look like Jesus' Penis?  Find out if you are circumcised.  If you are not, follow this safe and quick four step procedure!
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Oral Sex: A Dangerous New Trend!
For young people who have not yet been to Bible College, and are reading this article, "oral sex," means the placement of a hoochie or a tallywhacker into a human mouth...
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Think Only About Jesus While Masturbating!
"While the Bible does not outlaw masturbation, it severely restricts the circumstances under which it may occur," noted Pastor Deacon Fred.  The first restriction is that no Landover gentleman will be permitted to reach the stage of ejaculation...
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Spotlight on True Christian™ Health:
Baptist Health Expert, Heather Hardwick's,
"Heart and Head Healthy Habits," Series

Part 4, "How to Be Ladylike and Christian - At the Same Time!"
Let’s face it, gals.  The Bible doesn’t give us much wiggle room.  After all, the Good Book describes us as being about as wretched as a creature can be.  It all started with that harlot Eve, who obviously slept with her own sons..
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Part 3, "How to Rear a Child"
Once the baby is born, you are not only allowed but required to send it to its Maker if it turns out to be unruly (Deuteronomy 21:21), curses you (Exodus 21:17; Matthew 15:4) or, Heaven forbid, strikes you (Exodus 21:15). Harry and I were committed to...
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Part 2, "The Truth About Exercise!"
How should a True Christian lady approach exercise? With skepticism and caution. We need only turn to the Holy Bible to see the contempt Jesus has for those who work out regularly. "For bodily exercise profiteth little: but godliness is profitable unto all....
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Part 1, "Dietary Tips"
Of course, it goes without saying that consumption of alcohol and tobacco are absolute no-nos. I have it on the Highest Authority that every woman engaged in such acts, upon her arrival in a pitch black, dank Hell, will find that...
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Trouble Taking the Holy Bible Seriously?  This Pill Can Help!
Four out of five Christian doctors prescribe Salvacil to born-again patients who suffer from faith related problems.  Whether it be doubts about one's eternal security...
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Tampons:  Satan's Little Cotton Fingers!
Church members are commanded to talk to your teen-age daughters, and search their rooms if you have to. "Souls are at stake and God is taking names," added Pastor Wiley.....
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All You Can Eat: Endangered Species Dinner Extravaganza
Three-hundred tables will be set for roughly 800 VIP church members. The seven course meal will be served on custom burnished black coral place settings with African Elephant ivory service. Each table is made from pure California redwood. ...
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When Your Imaginary Friend Tells You His Name is "Jesus!"
At Landover Baptist, our church members are blessed enough to have Pastors who make it a priority to stop imagination long before it becomes dangerous. "That's usually at the age of two, as we understand it," says Pastor Deacon Fred...
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Demon Possessed Canines: Health Risk!
Is your household pet possessed by demons? From years of experience hunting, stalking and lilling live demons in the four corners of the world, I've found that five out...
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Lamb of God Hit With Foot-and-Mouth Disease!
In America, Southern Baptist churchgoers were startled by the news that not only had the Lamb of God tested positive for foot-and-mouth antibodies, but was apparently on the lam. On Monday, the Lamb of God was discovered....
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Body of Christ Burger Barn!
From now on, Church members will remember Jesus every single time they sit down and sink their teeth into a juicy hamburger....
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American Children Are Masturbating With Electronic Abdominal Exercise Machines!
"What disturbs us most," said Creation Scientist, Dr. Jonathan Edwards, "is that at the very beginning of the instruction booklet it states, 'Read this manual thoroughly before you begin.' There is no question that that statement is both malicious and deliberate."
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Do You Have a Demon in Your Colon? 
Friends, have you ever sat yourself down on the toilet to do nature’s necessity and been overwhelmed by the smell of rotten eggs?  It is sulfur.  A clear sign that demons are living in your bottom. .....
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Homosexual Reparative: Lisping Surgery
If your pastor recommended homosexual reparative surgery for your child, consider it a blessing from the Living God who enlightens his followers with divine foreknowledge...
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62 Year Old Woman Births Miracle Chinese Baby!
Church doctor, Jonathan Edwards and other experts who examined the child, found that he had no fingerprints or eyebrows. At first, Dr. Edwards only observed that there could be some indication that the boy was Chinese. Upon further examination however, the child was found to have bow legs...
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Age of Allowatory Masturbation Lowered to 65
"Numbers 6: 14b is giving advice to 82 year old widowed men who would 'without blemish' bugger the he lamb, and be promised that God would let the sin go unnoticed." He told church members earlier...
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