Sermon By Brother Harry Hardwick
Praise Jesus! It is with a cheerful heart that I tell you that the end of the world is right around the corner. It may be a matter of weeks, not decades, before the Lord's sandals touch down on what our wonderful President calls "terror firma." Yes, as soon as the Lord Jesus arrives on Earth He will start kicking human trash out of His way, making a beeline to a handful of folks He actually wants to join Him in Heaven while sending everyone from Chinamen to Episcopalians hurling straight towards the fiery volcanic vulva that marks the entrance to Satan’s abode. Friends, I haven’t felt this good about anything since they found that splattered Monica Lewinsky dress. (Thank goodness, Godly Bill O’Reilly’s sexual shenanigans were all by phone so there is no physical evidence other than a dumpster full of Energizer AA batteries.). Everything in the Book of Revelation is coming true. George W. Bush, directed by God, Himself, is destroying life as we know it, thereby facilitating the apocalypse that the apostles promised would happen quickly after Jesus’ death. Once it happens, the meek will inherit the (now uninhabitable) earth and the rest of us will ascend to our skyboxes in Heaven to watch the glorious carnage. Praise!
President “W,” like someone with acute ADD and a TIVO remote control, has done everything in his power to fast-forward our dull mortal life to get to the good part where the world is destroyed and evangelical Christians are raptured to Glory. W has taken America from being the most respected nation on the Earth to being the most hated. He has turned an annual budget surplus of hundreds of billions of dollars into a deficit that will easily exceed over half a trillion dollars, in this fiscal year alone. He has turned the clock on environmental regulation, completely dismantling that odious EPA, allowing Christian corporations to spew whatever toxins they are most confident will most closely approximate the conditions of death and desolation that will trigger the Apocalypse. He put a stop to that ridiculous treaty Clinton signed to end global warming because, after all, couldn’t global warming be one of the ways God plans to kill the planet, as He promised to do in the Book of Revelation? Besides, doesn't global warming just give most of the world a preview of coming attractions, if you know what I mean? W has raised the poverty level and the rate of unemployment to the highest levels they have been since the Great Depression, more than 70 years ago. W has enacted legislation that allows law enforcement officials to treat every one of us like the Nazis justifiably treated those Christ-killing Jews over half a century ago (so long as they say their actions are part of a “terror” investigation). W has recreated the feudal society of medieval times in which a few are the rich lords and the rest are the poor serfs. What better way to start a revolution that may lead to the Apocalypse? You see, W is leaving no stone unturned (except for those he decides to throw at that obnoxious, bleeding heart do-gooder, John Kerry).
W has dramatically increased the number of terrorists who want to destroy us with his innovative and powerful, “Because I said so, you foreign buttwipes! ” foreign policy. In short, he has done everything he can, with and without regard to so-called political constraints, to accelerate the time the godly will have to wait to be reunited with Jesus. He is obviously impatient with the Lord, who has been promising imminent global destruction for millennia. Our crafty President has decided that if he goes ahead and gives the Lord a head start in destroying the planet, God will be more inclined to jump on the bandwagon and finish things off, thwarting Democrats’ efforts at so-called “social justice.” If we ensure W is re-elected, we ensure the Rapture and the reunion with our beloved deceased family members and purebred pets. If Kerry is elected, the world may survive a few more decades, with homosexuals marrying, people’s incomes rising, Americans’ freedom increasing, and a myriad of other social “advances” that can only make folks less eager to pitch the planet into the trash, delaying the inevitable Biblical demise.
There are still 215 adult members of this church who have
not yet signed affidavits swearing they will vote for Bush. You know fully
well that federal law prevents us from requiring you to sign such affidavits.
However, every one of you so-called “undecided” troop-hating knuckleheads
are scheduled to meet with Pastor Deacon Fred tomorrow at 6:00am sharp with
either an affidavit or a six-figure tithe. I strongly suggest you make those
appointments or you are going to think the Apocalypse started a little early
in your Christian home.
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