A Small Sample of Landover Baptist Mail Received February 2006  (unedited and in original form)

After looking at some of your web site, no wonder millions are turning to Islam or drugs or alcohol. You don't know who Jesus is.

Lonnie Malcomb

I feel your article (Is Breastfeeding a Gateway Sin) was a little disturbing. You people are supposed to be christians, and you have the nerve to be racists. I hope you people realize you are playing with the Lord when you try to justofy what he has promised to women with their breast milk. What do you think mothers used to feed their children before this formula was created. Not the cows milk. And how in the world can you create a diagram explaining the sensors the mother is feeling when nursing a child. No man will ever know what it is like. God blessed women with this for a reason and it was not to just be there for nothing. People quit looking in the dark or are you just standing there with the devil. Sure look like it. And how can you be christians who love everyone when your disrespecting "colored people" so you say. Are you sure your not standing in the dark with the devil

Ashanti payne

First of all, I wish that the peace and glory of God, the Almighty Father, be with you. And I also hope that heals you.

I am a Roman Catholic parishioner and always have been. However, I respect any religion that worships God, which means that I respect EVERY religion, except one with any sort of Satanism. When I was viewing your website, I noticed some extremely heart-wrenching pictures. Such as the one with the burning cross, and the people wearing "heat resistent robes". I know that you know those are KKK robes. I can tell because of the white hoods and the burning of the cross does give it away. This is a terrible message to send and absolutley disgraces Jesus Christ.

This is in NO WAY meant to be a hate letter. I respect everyone whom I come in contact with. You are free to believe what you want. But I would like it if you think about yourselves. Burning the cross will not earn you a spot in Heaven with God. Please do not continue with this propoganda. It can be hurtful to many people, including myself. Once again, I do not mean for this to be a hate letter, I am meerly expressing my concearn.

I pray that God is with you, now and forever.

May God Bless You,

Jim Stetmond

Unless I misread, your site claims you are bible believing Christians, Yet you are linked to on Karla Levey’s “First Satanic Church” web site. Can you please explain the connection? I am open minded, and am, myself, an ex-satanist (now Christian), and for you to be linked to her site is like a Christian smoking in public.

I realize that these type emails do not get responces very often, so I won’t hold my breath waiting to hear back from you.

Ray Hunter

Hello, My name is Andrew Robertson. I am 19 years old, and have been saved for 8 years. I came accross your website the other day and had a few questions. Are you serious about everything on your website? After reading articles such as "Don't get caught on the toilet when Jesus comes back", "Rectums: The resort of choice for well travled demons", and almost every other article I saw, I dearly hope you are not sincere or serious in these messages. Not only do they lack any evidence of scripture, but they are just ubsurd. Sincere or not, your website truly hurts the cause of Christianity and makes a mockery of it for the unsaved. Stop parading around your extremist views and save those who truly need it...those who are "unwelcomed" (according to your headline"), it is the sick who are in need of a physician.


Andrew Robertson

A friend and I found your site, and I'm appaled by it. It's entirely blasphemous, and it doesn't promote Christianity's true message. Tell me, why would you make this site? This is not Christianity's true message, and if you believe it is, then you are sadly mistaken. Please, I humbly ask you to shut down your site. I know it's a parody site, but I don't find it very funny at all

Sandra Walters

Dear Webmaster,

I just found your website for Landover Baptist Church, and I can see your satire is directed toward the American Christian Church today. It may be well-founded, however, it does show that you may have been hurt by Christians in the past. Many of us were. And the American church does need to repent and be like Jesus. Your site shows that you agree with that.

My question is that I wonder how many have gone to your website, not knowing it was a work of fiction, and were turned away from Christ as a result. That would be credited to your account. You have masterly put together an account of a false church, and it is almost funny how you describe each area. Just know that there is a God, and He does keep our tears in a bottle and says He will bind up our wounds. When you ask Him to make Himself real to you, He will do it.

Norma Matthews

You should be ashamed of what you are promoting. I cannot believe that you would disregard the Lord so easily. There are children who see this garbage and you have no business putting that kind of stuff out there. I feel really sorry that you cannot find another way to sell your stuff. Go back to school and try to find the Lord. He does love you.


You, Pastor, have a problem with taking the Bible out of context. Anyone is capable of taking a part of a Scripture verse, and quoting it, and it sounds correct, but it is not being stated in its entirety, and that is a sin. God said to take nothing away, and add nothing to His Word. You would do better to obey that. God does not like hypocrites and people so filled with hate, like you. You are putting the name of Jesus in the mud with this website, shame on you!

I hope no one is turned off to the gospel by your sadistic, mean, ungodly website, because you will have to answer to God for that. SHAME ON YOU!!!

Ginger Davis

i just have a quick question for you. You have posted on your website for google that if you are not saved you cannot click on your website. Please tell me how you expect to lead people to Christ with that kind of behavior. This is not what being a Christian is. You are being very hypocritical. Just a question.

Candice Kirby

You are a sick group of people and when jesus comes you will not be standing by his side...you will be the first to feel his wrath. don't bother replying to me, just know what i have said as being the truth!

Marc E.

I am truly offended by what you have on your website. I am ashamed that you call yourself a church. Change the behavior of negroes as well. Are you a bunch of hypocrites? Pastor who has a temper tantrum over a movie. GET A LIFE. And you call yourself a christian. What a joke your website is.

Michelle Gregory

i thing you are jewish.... only jew could make fan of church, God and bible...

Zalewski Krzysztof

I'd like to comment about your stupid website.Do u people think youre funny.Maybe its funny for pea-brains such as yourselves.Either that or i suggest u get a life.Well they do say the devil makes hands for idle minds.Another thing is true the devil uses many disguises to carry out his work.That what your site is all about.Doing satans work pretending to be christians.I myself am an irish catholic.I read your little piece about st.Patrick and lepracauns and the irish.A word of advise! Dont mock other peoples traditions or beliefs it only brings attension to your own stupidity.I thought smart asses like u would know lepracauns dont exsist.I must say u have vivid imaginations.Maybe you should visit your doctor or even better come to ireland and im sure if u talk to the right people they'll teach u a good lesson or two.


hello, Id like to take this opportunity to tell you that i am white, and i love all black people... I think you are all racist as shit, and you yourself will go to hell when you die. blacks are black bc there skin gets burnt from the sun... we are white because the world needs to be diverse. if god thought black people were evil, he wouldnt have created them now would he? we are all equal, and you have no idea what the bible says. and answer me why about 75% of your kind" the nigga hataz" are old, fat and ugly? I have black friends, i listen to black music, and i would call one of my black friends to back me up in a kkk fight ANYDAY. i as a true christian will pray for you and your cult members to not live in hell for eternity and maybe cast some good over your evil souls

Eric Archambeault

I think you are completely missing the plot as to why people become gay. People are more likely to become gay when their parents are seperated or divorced - when their relationship is not healthy and the father is not the PRESENT dominant figure in the household. THAT is when children become gay. That and the presence of a genetic predisposition - a "gene" carried by the mother, her mother, her mother, etc. That's why a gay person is always much more likely to have a gay uncle on the mother's side than on the father's side, and that's why the "gene" will never die out as long as carrier women have children. Carrier women being the sisters of gay (and straight also) men. So if you want people not to have gay children, preach them not to divorce or break up - prevent broken homes. Teach fathers to LOVE and spend time with their children, coz if only mom is present, the chances of a boy becoming gay is bigger. All the stuff you publish doesn't really make a difference. If being gay is a sin, then divorcing or not loving your children is a "bigger" sin. Furthermore, God teaches to love and not to judge. It is only God's place to judge. Gay people can't help they're gay, it's nothing they did wrong. If they love others, without judging them, then YOU are bigger sinners than them, because YOU ARE JUDGING THEM, AND IT IS NOT YOUR PLACE TO DO SO. May God give you what you deserve.

Percival Burger

you will one day stand before jesus. immediately after your appointment with him, tell me if you still think this website is funny.

Cheryl R. Rhoden

This website is discusting.

Sarah Walker

Legal Assistant

I wonder whether you were born christian, or like all other belivers I know, you had to be born-again. If indeed you were born again, then that means you too were once filthy unsaved trash too.

I'm glad that Jesus didnt have your attitude and that He indeed came and gave His life for those you call 'filthy trash'. Have you not read the scripture ?

'It is not for the righteous that I come, but for the unrighteous'

Personally I think it's attitudes like yours that give christianity a bad name among those who need Christ the most. And I rebuke you and your elitist attitude in the name of the Lord Jesus.


Mr T.Francis (disciple of Christ and a son of the Living God)

you know what ....... they should close this website cause there is nothing good in it and they should kill who ever make it cause he's an asshole

TJ Josef

I was looking through your church's website and couldn't help to think how STUPID you guys are. It pisses me off to see dumb shits like you guys ruining the Christian identity. You are the biggest group of racists and haters ever. Christianity is about love and all I see on your website is Hate and disgust. You hypocritical bastards are the ones who really will go to hell... you are ignorant and have your head so far up your ass you can't see the light of day. You criticize Finding Nemo as being a homosexual movie becasue the fish are too colorful? HAHAHA.. who decided colorful fish means homosexuality? And Elf is not homosexual, it's a movie! Nothing suggests homosexuality except for your dumb ignorant stereotypes. Where are your facts? You have no evidence for 99% of the things on your website.

YOU ARE STUPID. PASTOR DEACON FRED CAN GO FUCK HIMSELF. Please... I hope he reads this, I want him to read these words:

Fuck you Deacon Fred. You're a scumbag, a racist, and above all, an ignorant dumb American.

Go die.

- Nick

I read with interest excerpts of the Scam report regarding the Catholic Church. Is the report Available? A reply would be appreciated.

Thank you, Larry Gentry


Please tell me this is not true:

These Deacons served as volunteer test cases and several of them are now hospitalized with permanent hardening of the penis. Creation Scientist, Dr. Jonathan Edwards, believes their condition resulted from intensive tests where each Deacon was stripped of his clothes and placed in isolation for 72 hours with 200 cans of Red Bull, a plastic Ziploc bag full of Ecstasy tablets and a wide assortment of adult magazines. "We were scrupulously trying to recreate the sex-crazed, raver environment of the typical person who gulps down can after can of this potent beverage," said Dr. Edwards.

Quoted from:

What kind of freak would engage in this sort of experiment? The deacons would have been better off to go to Newcastle, England and go to a real rave. At least there would have been some cultural exchange. Something they probably all direly need.

Absolutely pathetic.

Phil Rushworth

I Have no idea where you get off exactly posting your hateful ideals on the internet .I am only going to set you straight this once otherwise we will cast a spell a day on you so will sufer for your crimes against humanity. We are nature based peaceloving religion .We do not kill or mame anyone or anything we do not worship satan and we never have or will worship satan. We are protected By the first ammendment of the constitutution under Freedom Of religion. If you continue to teach your children to hunt us or people like us it may very well one day get them killed by some psycho devil worshiper as a true wiccan would never harm anyone

So lay off of us witches you hillbilly fuck

Shaundalyn Hansen

It is your calling to preach the gospel, so if you forbid unbeleivers to your church and charge them to beleive you are very displeasing to God. Bible says salvation is a free gift that God sent his son to the cross for. No amount of money can buy it or prove a person is sincere in his excepting it. You just want the money especially since you want $2,000 from each convert. Oh and by the way I excepted God's FREE gift and

he loves me just the same. Praise God !!!

Martha Breland

Have you READ this? Do you realize what you have sent to an 8 YEAR OLD BOY???

Besides all the ridiculous cultish mantra stuff filling most of the article,

Couldn't you just have said that "only god knows this answer for sure. God is a good god, and he intends you to be happy for eternity with him in heaven, and if having "Scruffy" (seemingly, a made-up name for a story, if there ever was one) there with you would help, I'm sure he just might. Just leave all thing up to him who knows, or God.


"we have to assume that there are going to be a whole mess of folks in Hell and most of them will be Chinese, since they never had the luxury of hearing about Jesus" First of all, this is NOT what Jesus says about the multitudes who of no fault of their own have not heard of Jesus and his wonders!

Finally, the article ends with "People in hell will need food to sustain them through an eternity of torture at the hands of the loving God they rejected. As we understand it, Chinese folks love to eat dogs. I'm sorry, Timmy - it is a hard sight to take in, but in a few weeks little Scruffy will be savagely ripped to shreds, as will countless other pooches, at the blood-stained hands of starving, godless Chinamen as they are beaten and sodomized by demons on the desolate shores of the Lake of Fire. My guess is that those shores will be piled high with the rotting, bone-picked carcasses of every household pet there ever was.

I hope this helps.

Your friend and Pastor,

Deacon Fred"

THIS...needs no comment. It's almost as if someone is posting this stuff to cement ideology AGAINST Christianity! If so, you're doing a wonderful job. If this was somehow posted as a legitimate article, may the author go back to beginning bible school.

Marcus Stitler

I can't believe you guys call yourselves a church. I am utterly disgusted by the ignorance that your church shows. First of all, the fact that your slogan includes "...The unsaved are not welcome" shows that you guys are morons. I am ashamed for you people to call yourselves christians. Frankly, I'm shocked that God hasn't turned your church into one big ball of fire...yet. I recently saw what you idiots published about veggie tales and I have come to the conclusion that you guys must be liberals. I can't believe that you would condone anyone (especially a so-called pastor) to come into your day care center and scare the children like that. You guys apparently are so misguided that you believe someone has actually created a cucumber penis just to misguide children. If you guys had any sense that you would see that a freakin' cucumber does somewhat resemble a penis. I guess you should yell at God for creating it to look that way. What a bunch of idiots. I can't believe there are people that actually call themselves christians and are so misguided. May God have mercy on your soul...you will probably need it.


Dear Friends,

When I first visited your website a few years ago, it seemed very real and it took me a while to figure out that it was only a hoax. It was MUCH BETTER that way. Now it is too obvious from the onset that it is a joke. NOT GOOD! PLEASE attempt to tone down the home page so as not to give away the joke TOO SOON! It would be much more effective that way.

Thanx, Dave

Ask not at whom the chimp smirks- he smirks at you.