September 2003

Mind-Altering Energy Drink Turns Senior High Bible Study Into Godless Sex Orgy

Liquid Sin in a Can of Tin

Freehold, Iowa – Over the last year, several isolated sexual incidents involving the popular liquid methamphetamine drink, "Red Bull," were reported to church security.  The lewd nature of each case led Pastor to request that Landover Baptist's esteemed Creation Science Laboratory open up a privately funded investigation.  

A month-long study was conducted, in which no less than two-thousand cases of Red Bull were consumed by Landover Baptist Church Deacons. These Deacons served as volunteer test cases and several of them are now hospitalized with permanent hardening of the penis. Creation Scientist, Dr. Jonathan Edwards, believes their condition resulted from intensive tests where each Deacon was stripped of his clothes and placed in isolation for 72 hours with 200 cans of Red Bull, a plastic Ziploc bag full of Ecstasy tablets and a wide assortment of adult magazines.  "We were scrupulously trying to recreate the sex-crazed, raver environment of the typical person who gulps down can after can of this potent beverage," said Dr. Edwards. 

"We knew kids were getting high off this legal crack in a can," said Dr. Edwards. "We also knew that since the product was released here in Iowa, the rate of teenage pregnancies skyrocketed.  And many pediatricians have reported seeing seriously calloused penises - a sign that some local men were masturbating at dangerously high speeds. The drug community calls it speed jacking," said Dr. Edwards.  "The tests we performed just confirmed our assumptions that this so-called energy drink is nothing more than liquid sin in a fancy tin.  They can't call it crank, because that is illegal, so they slyly call it Red Bull and no one thinks anything of it." 

Pastor Deacon Fred was so excited to find another inanimate object responsible for the downfall of Christian society, that he quickly called it to the attention of the entire Landover Baptist congregation last Sunday.   We think its best that True Christians™ read what the Holy Spirit, speaking through our Pastor, had to say about this product.. 

Text of Pastor’s Message --------

“I’ve got to tell you, folks, there is a new menace infesting this Christian nation that has me so upset, I can hardly stand up here and speak.  This year, Church Security came by my Pastor’s study to report several incidents that had me so sick I had to run into the bathroom and throw up before they even finished telling me the whole story. 

You folks all know Mrs. Tawny Huxton – stand up, Tawny.  Now turn around so they can see you from behind.  Good.  Now sit your skinny little butt down, so I can finish preaching.  

Friends, it seems that Mrs. Huxton, here, came home from the grocery store the other day, opened up the door to her house, and the first thing she saw was her son, Timmy – trousers dropped to the ankles, just a humpin’ away at the cushion arm on the side of their Lay-Z-Boy sectional couch like a demon-possessed jungle monkey! 

Now hold on, folks! Ya’ll just sit right back down now! If you feel like you’ve got to sick up, just do it on the floor there - and be careful not to get it on the hymnal racks.  I’m just getting started! 

Mrs. Huxton here, phoned church security, and they were at her house within five minutes.  Ya’ll know we’ve had incidents with this family before, so our team of Baptist Police Officers are trained to respond quickly.   And, thanks to in-house 128-bit Sin Monitors, Landover Security had seen little Timmy whip it out and go hog wild with the furniture even before Mrs. Huxton.

Well, when the officers arrived, little Timmy was still a humpin’ away at that couch and it took nearly three of them to pull him off!  Do you know what they found there on the floor after they cuffed that little monkey?  Well, I’m going to tell you.  They found a half a dozen empty cans of a popular aphrodisiac drink called, Red Bull.  You heard me!  Some of you are probably high on this legal crack right now – so you won’t doze off in the middle of my sermon!  Well - you’ll be sticking to coffee and prescription diet pills after you hear what I have to tell you. 

I had Dr. Edwards over at the Creation Science Lab, open up a quick investigation on this so-called, “Energy Drink.”  And what he found – oh, what he found! -- will raise the hair on your neck! 

Dr. Edwards discovered unreported incidents of young people here in the Senior High Youth Group who accidentally get sexed up off this drink.  They chug down a few cans, so they can stay up and memorize scripture verses at Bible Study, only to find that they have been taken over by the devil in that tin can, and their Bible Study turns into a Godless sex orgy!  Oh yes!  It’s all true!  They get so cranked up on the methamphetamine in this Devil's brew that they start to shake all over – including their moist little teenage groin areas.  And you know what happens when young folks' sinful parts start to tingle and shake – it's like popping open a hot can of just-shook Pepsi!

We’ve even had reports of little children taking a few sips of Red Bull and within seconds they start chewing on anything they can find!  Poor Mrs. Simkins looked up from her Bible the other day only to find that her two granddaughters had gnawed through her crepe soles and the rubber tip to her cain! One parent reported that their three-year-old child chewed up half the plaid indoor-outdoor carpeting on their patio.  Yes, indeed, carpet munchers in our very midst! 

Friends, let’s get to the facts now.  Dr. Edwards Googled this Red Bull – which is nothing more than “liquid sin in a fancy tin,” and he put it under a Bible Scope in the Creation Science Lab.  Friends, he made a startling discovery.   This so-called “energy drink” is carbonated bull urine, with lemon flavoring and enough crystal meth to get a whole housing project full of Negroes tap dancing up and down the streets until dawn. 

You people know that we pride ourselves in being farmers of this great land here in Freehold, Iowa – and as such, we all know the facts about male cattle and what just one drop of their testicle fluid can do to a human being.  For someone to excrete this junk and put it into a fancy can – marketing it to YOUNG PEOPLE!  For shame!  In the name of Jesus I say, Shame on you – Food and Drug Administration!  Shame on you for allowing this addictive drug to come into our Christian nation from some Godless foreign country.  And shame on you again for placing it in convenience stores without a warning label! 

This is not a Christian drink, my friends - and it does not belong in any Christian home!   That goes for any other drink that contains something from a testicle, unless it’s on the wedding bed.  It’s just plain sick, and there is a passage somewhere in Leviticus about this nonsense that I’ll dig up for you when I get the time.   

"We believe this to be the first time any study regarding this drink has been reported publicly.  As we understand it, most people just keep silent either because they don’t know what is happening to their children, or they are afraid of speaking out for fear of being bullied by Red Bull dealers, pushers and henchmen.  These cronies have a reputation for being especially thorough in taking action against those who dare question their loyalty. Well, its high time we True Christians™ did something about it!  And don't think you folks shaking in your pews like Mexican jumping beans are fooling Security with those 'I don't know what he's talking about' faces on your jittery mugs!"

Church dismissed.

End Text of Pastor’s Message --------







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