Drink Turns Senior High Bible Study Into Godless Sex Orgy
Liquid Sin in a Can of Tin
Iowa – Over the last year, several isolated sexual incidents
involving the popular liquid methamphetamine drink, "Red Bull,"
were reported to church security.
The lewd nature of each case led Pastor to request
that Landover Baptist's esteemed Creation Science
Laboratory open up a privately funded investigation.
A month-long study was conducted, in which no less than two-thousand cases of Red Bull were consumed by Landover Baptist Church Deacons. These Deacons served as volunteer test cases and several of them are now hospitalized with permanent hardening of the penis. Creation Scientist, Dr. Jonathan Edwards, believes their condition resulted from intensive tests where each Deacon was stripped of his clothes and placed in isolation for 72 hours with 200 cans of Red Bull, a plastic Ziploc bag full of Ecstasy tablets and a wide assortment of adult magazines. "We were scrupulously trying to recreate the sex-crazed, raver environment of the typical person who gulps down can after can of this potent beverage," said Dr. Edwards.
"We knew kids were getting high
off this legal crack in a can," said Dr. Edwards.
"We also knew that since the product was released here
in Iowa, the rate of teenage pregnancies skyrocketed.
And many pediatricians have reported seeing seriously
calloused penises - a sign that some local men were
masturbating at dangerously high speeds. The drug community
calls it speed jacking," said Dr. Edwards. "The tests we performed just confirmed our assumptions
that this so-called energy drink is nothing more than liquid
sin in a fancy tin. They
can't call it crank, because that is illegal, so they slyly
call it Red Bull and no one thinks anything of
Pastor Deacon Fred was so excited to
find another inanimate object responsible for the
downfall of Christian society, that he quickly called it to
the attention of the entire Landover Baptist congregation
We think its best that True Christians™ read what the Holy
Spirit, speaking through our Pastor, had to say about this
We think its best that True Christians™ read what the Holy Spirit, speaking through our Pastor, had to say about this product..