A Small Sample of Landover Baptist Mail Received July 2003  (unedited and in original form)

Subject: The Homo Handshake

You know, as a dyed-in-the-wool heterosexual and a Christian, I would really expect a legitimate Baptist church to have better things to do with its time and resources than to put out this kind of ignorant, bigoted crap.

And no, you do not have my permission to modify my comments if you republish this statement anywhere.

-- Don Cline

I don't know what to say but that you are a no representives of the true followers of Jesus Christ. I find it hard to comprohend the emptyness and lack of love that is found in the pieces on your webpage. does the bible not teach us to love our neighbours as ourselves, to love our enemies as ourselves? I don't understand where you come from, but pray that God will be more gracefull on you than you are on others..


ps no need for a email back...

Subject: Inappropriate Reference to Buttocks and Anus

As a chaplain assistant in the US Army, I have to be tolerant of the viewpoints espoused by many faiths, but upon reading one of the articles on your website, I was shocked by your attitude and the indecent phraseology used. This article, titled "Perversions of Creation Science," describes the shock of one of your religious leaders upon seeing something that surprised him in the following way: "...it sent a powerful shiver down his spine to the nape of his buttocks, causing his anus to impulsively expand and contract like the lips of a little red fish out of water desperately gasping for life." I found the choice of metaphor here odd, and the mention of the man's buttocks and anus is completely unnecessary. I showed this article to a Catholic priest whose office is next to mine, and he merely looked at it for a few moments and said, "Baptists," and then walked off. I think that in writing your articles with such obscene terminology you do a disservice to the Southern Baptist Convention. I wonder if they are aware of your outlandish writing style. I plan on writing a terse letter to them. Hopefully, they, as your superior governing body, will either force you to write in a decent manner or shut you down completely. I wish I could see your shocked expression when they contact you and tell you to shut it down. Perhaps this would cause your own anus to quiver in alarm.

--SGT Larry Arthur Ray, US Army


Dear SGT Larry Arthur Ray: 

I can't tell you (without resorting to language best left to unsaved trash) just how disappointing it is to me that our boys in uniform might have occasion to resort to seeking counsel from someone as foolish, petty and priggish as you, dear. Indeed, it pains me to think that any young man or woman might go to his or her death clinging to any of your trifling banalities or misapprehensions as their last threadbare tether to civilized thinking.

You are one of those sad, oblivious creatures who isn't even bright enough to realize the severe limits of his capacity to accurately fathom the world that surrounds him. You unwittingly reveal such woeful limitations with your every uninformed, myopic observation.

I will pray that the Lord Jesus either enlightens you or, in lieu of that unlikely occurrence, calls on you to take a long-overdue vow of silence, dear.

Addicted to the warm Blood of the Perfect Lamb, 

Mrs. Robert A. (Betty) Bowers


Mrs. Bowers, 

Your response to my email was needlessly scathing and distasteful. I suppose this just reflects the negative attitude and crude culture of your church. I continue to be amazed that your denominational headquarters allows your website promoting this strange theology and using such offensive language to persist. I can only assume they are unaware of your site. I will not only be writing letters to the Executive Committee of the Southern Baptist Convention regarding your church, I will also be urging others in my congregation to do so as well. Attached is this Sunday's bulletin in which I announce a meeting to start a letter campaign against your church, informing as many Baptist organizations as possible, including the Baptist Press News http://www.bpnews.net/ , about your horrible website and questionable church. CH Frederick is doing a sermon series on the Bible Code 2 book, so he won't be able to work the subject of your problematic church into the sermon, but I will take sufficient time during the announcements to explain the repulsive nature of your church and website. Regarding your previous email response, I know that you are probably feeling remorseful about the harsh tone you used and regret sending such a response. I know that you will apologize for your email and accept your apology in advance.

--SGT Larry Arthur Ray, US Army 

--Also, I have switched my main email account to xxxxx@yahoo.com due to the fact that the Army AKO email system has no spam filter, so please address your response, including your apology, to xxxxx@yahoo.com, as I will be cancelling my us.army.mil account in the next couple of days.

Dear Pastor Deacon Fred,

I visited your web site and was interested to know more about your views on yoga and if you really feel it teaches people to contort their bodies into "demonic positions".

I am a journalist working in the UK, doing an article on yoga, so if your views are sincere I would like to know more.

Please contact me on this email address and I look forward to hearing from you shortly.

Kind regards

Elizabeth Scott


Tony Woodard

I couldn't help but feel a little upset with your article on "God being furious about anti-anxiety usage". In the first place you are not God, so how could you possibly know whether God is furious or not - you are not God.

I seem to remember reading many passages about "perfect love casts out fear...", and "love covers over a multitude of sins..." - New Testament, look it up.

I pity you and your views - open your hearts to the love of God. Anxiety is a terrible illness, and definitely affects ones performance in the work place.

Jesus is merciful, and "mercy triumphs over justice" according to James - New Testament - look it up. You all are too busy judging others - "take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see well enough to help your brother take the speck out of his eye" - New Testament, look it up.

A struggling Christian


your website makes me sick! i can not believe that there are people like you in the world today! you don not acknowledge any other race, religion, or belief than what you have! the world today is about diversity and understanding, not hatred and alienation! i highly doubt that george w. bush would acknowledge this foundation; the same with those actors who supposedly agree with this cause.

Jessica Hendrickson

As a fellow Baptist Christian, I think that it would be wise to make sure that what you are saying is true. I am not sure as to where you received your info regarding Nemo. I think that as Christians we need to report the details accurate.


I have only been on your sight for about 6-7 minutes, and I have never in all my 4 decades of being a fundamental Baptist seen anything like it. There is nothing Baptist or fundamental about your "church," in fact I believe you to be a wolf in sheeps clothing. Satan incarnate as a matter of fact. A real Baptist would have very few of the beliefs and disrespect you have for God. I actually believe you to be working for satan to pull people to hell with you. God is no respector of persons but you seem to think that you will have saved slaves in Heaven working for you. Have you absolutely lost your mind? You are walking on dangerous ground and you better wake up and smell the coffee before God fries your butt. You and your ilk are not saved, christlike, fundamental, Baptist, or anything else to do with real christians. A real Baptist would not be happy or amused to see others burning in hell from a ringside seat. A Baptist would be very sad indeed at the prospect of people dying and going to hell. And this is just a drop in the bucket as to the straightening out you need. You cannot call yourself Baptist at all because you don't know the meaning of the word. You do not have one example in the Bible of Paul or any other apostle being joyful that others were dying and going to hell. When I first read a little on your sight, my first thought was that this must be a very perverted joke and it couldn't be legitimate. I'll tell you what, you ARE a fundamental, first class nut. And thats the truth. from, a real fundamental Baptist.


You probably sit around giggling to yourselves as you dream up the next piece of rubbish for your "hilarious" web site - the next "cutting edge" piece of adolescent humour aimed at Christians. I bet the only thing you enjoy more than your own non-humour is getting messages like mine, or, to really get you going, abusive ones. How very, very sad... If you really are so "cutting edge", why not set up a similar site having a go at Islam? No? Thought not.... Wonder why..? Get a life you lost losers. You need Christ as much as anybody else...

Prodigal Son [prodigal_son_1963@yahoo.co.uk]


James Martin

Your ministry is horrible. Using the acronymns such as "BITCH" is not appropriate in or out of your ministry.

Nick Righter


I noticed that you have a quiz on your website dealing with some issues about women. I found it very strange that choosing the wrong answer suddenly makes one not only unsaved, but also a moron. I was just curious to know what that is all about?


you're a bunch of fundalmentalist evil people who judge where it is not your place and you r a bunch of hypocrites and catholics arent going to hell im a christian and a catholic and i give mary the respect she deserves as the mother of god but god has the high place of worship i think your website completely deters people from christianity and simply shows your ignorance. do not judge lest ye be judged.

Jane Award

Being a born again Christian....you sicken me! Christ is not someone to joke about...but then I guess you will find that out some day all on your own.

Debbie Williams

Are you guys fucking serious with your little circumcise your self bullshit! If this site is real then you guys are a little fucked in the brain to even put that on your website. Some kid with low selfesteem caould look on your site and take it seriously and hurt himself real bad so you think about that.

Carol Candelaria

we have been looking at the idea of doing a hellhouse in our area. However in reading about area two the "democratic" room I read that "good for nothing negroes". I am white but I was wondering how you feel about the black race and should we use that term

Faith in Focus Ministries

I am praying for you. I am saddened by your prayer for Hollywood. We should pray for revival and the salvation of the lost people there, not for their destruction.

Suzanne M. Hill

to whom it may concern,

i am a young man called by God into His ministry and a biblical studies/theology major at a major Baptists University and after reviewing your website, i was literally sick to my stomach by the crap you have on your website. as i was looking, i thought to myself this has to be a joke, and atheist website making fun of Christianity. then i realized it was no joke. those quizzes are the most repulsing thing i have ever seen. where in scripture does it give you the authority to say to some one you are going to hell or to condemn them to hell? Christ's is the only one with that authority. you speak of evangelism, where do you get of saying "wrong you unsaved idiot" i think you all are really missing the point of scripture and you want to pull out scripture that you take totally out of context and try to damn people to hell. you all are concerned with the sins man and not the Sin of man. you try and scare people into ridding themselves from sins instead of Sin. sins are merely symptoms to a much greater need (Sin), for someone to save them ( Jesus). "...let he who has never sinned cast the first stone.." you know i could go on forever with this, but i am not because only God can help you people. you have made a mockery of Him and what He is about and what He stands for. i pray for wisdom and truth for all who attend and minister there, i pray for the holy spirit to convict you and for you to rely on Him and His Word rather than relying on the Fundamentalists Baptists doctrine or whatever it is you try to hold true to.

i would love to here from someone to discuss these issues.

in Christ's love
chris campbell

I guess it's ok for one of landovers finest to make up such a perverted portrayal of a cartoon charachter.and also ok for him to throw his grandson across the room????where is this mans mind ? maybe landover baptist should investigate deacon fred a little more thoroughly.. i don't know that sponge bob is the best cartoon out there. but i know ;certainly not the worst.... r.m.marsh (oklahoma baptist)

Rex Marsh

What a wonderful site you have.

We at Swan Christian Education Association also believe in all 66 books. All of out teachers must be saved and do Gods work thorugh deeds (mathew 26). Those who are unsaved are NOT employed.

It is important that all children are taught to fear the Lord and know his wrath.

The problem with the world today is the eroding of values and the infiltration of sodomite practices into all aspects of our life. With sodomite clergy and the acceptance of poofter bishops into churches it is no wonder that people are turining away.

Here in Perth Western Australia we have a Sodomite Government who use taxpayers money to build inner city living porjects which are liitle more than sodomites enclaves. The Federal Government is anti family giving better tax breaks to sodomite couples. It is a sad state of affairs.

Continue your good work for the Lord.


Dear sir,

Was wondering after reading some of your "fan" mail if you ever bother to write any of the distraught and unboservant people and tell them that they have tapped into a parody site. Not that a lot of them would understand what that means, but you would think they would catch on after a minute.

I have to say that I find the content of your Landover site sad in that there are people on this planet who actually believe some of those things. I think you must know some of them because they seem to have made you extremely angry. Your knowledge of the Bible and various religious views is deep enough in its mockery to indicate that you have studied it for some time. I am very sorry that you have chosen the path you have, but it is your choice to make.

Enjoy your right to free speech and I will continue to enjoy my freedom of religion... including my belief that you are sad, sad folks.

Kelly Limric

P.S. Same goes, Mr. Chickenhead for your Whitehouse.org site... The OFFICIAL WHITE HOUSE SITE is www.whitehouse.gov

Dear landoverbastist.org

in my studies and within my life time i have never come across such ignorance. buring harry potter books makes you just as bad as hilter when he did the book burnings during World War II. harry potter is a fantasy, a book that revolves around that which is fictional, any moron has the intellect to decipher between fiction and reality, or at least most do, in this case, i doubt you do. these books are not satanic in any way what so ever, and i highly doubt any of you have ever studied other religions that deal with witchcraft. and if you've seen the movies or read the books you can see that harry and his friends battle against evil witchcraft with good witchcraft, but since i see such ignorance i highly doubt any of you have even read the stories. the next thing you insane christians will probably do is start burning tolkien and king books. i just have to wonder what drugs you must all be on to be thinking that children's books are going to lead to satanic practices. you digust me, and you disgust many other denominations of christians, i see that you are very bias, you seem to have a thing against catholics or "Mary worshippers" or at least i was led to believe you were speaking of catholics. it's people with your type of beliefs that should be sent to eternal damnation.

the harry potter books do not drive children to created destructive fantasy worlds, if the children have decent parents who have the obligation to teach the kids about right and wrong, then there is basically no chance that they will partake in chaotic fantasies, and if they do, then they are most likely afflicted with a mental illness. harry potter does not drive people insane, that is all in your imaginations.

a couple of questions before i end my rantings--how is it, you christians think that anyone who believes differently is not "saved"? isn't it true that god loves all no matter what religion they believe in?


You are a joke that does not even deserve the term "joke". I enjoy a good joke like most people but when you start making fun of our Lord, you are going too far! Poke fun of anyone or anything in the world, except God. Some things are sacred, you know. I wouldn't want to be in your shoes when the end times arrive! I pray the Lord forgives me for even accessing your site. Bonnetta

Dawn Westbrook

I am truly deeply disturbed after looking at your website. I happened to look more in depth through it and realized that it is nothing more than a parody and is purely fictitious. To not put that on the front page of the website is completely irresponsible and scary. Do you not realize that people will read the crap and think it is real???? Please be more responsible in the future. There needs to be some sort of disclaimer. Also I don't know who told you this stuff was funny-but frankly it only confirms what I have already thought and that is that there are truly some sick individuals in this world. What a shame that you cast such an ignorant light on christianity without letting people know it was only a joke. Just goes to show you what an idiot with a computer can do.

Thank You