Pastor Exposes Perverted Little Cartoon Character
WARNING! CHRISTIAN CHILDREN UNDER THE AGE OF 18 SHOULD NOT MOVE THEIR MOUSE OVER THE IMAGE BELOW UNLESS THEY ARE IN THE PRESENCE OF AN ORDAINED MINISTER!
Iowa - (April 2003) Complete shock filled the Landover Baptist
main sanctuary last
Sunday as Pastor Deacon Fred revealed in graphic detail, decadent hidden sexual messages in the popular
cartoon series, Sponge Bob, Square Pants™.
Mrs. Ida Denkins, who was seated in the first pew,
fainted in the middle of the presentation and had to be
rushed to Landover Baptist Hospital.
Church usher, Bob Halburg, had an immediate reaction
to the slide show that went straight to his stomach. He
vomited so forcefully that pieces of his steaming breakfast
were sprayed across nearly 15 pews.
All total, at least two-dozen church members became
physically ill after being exposed to the disgusting garbage that
Hollywood is pumping into our children’s heads.
“I found out about this disgusting
little yellow cartoon character, quite by
accident,” said Pastor Deacon Fred.
“I was laying on the couch with my grandson, and
must have fallen asleep, so he was unmonitored in front of
the television set. When
I woke up, my head had leaned back over the side of the
couch. My neck was craned in such a way that I was looking at the
television set upside down.
I reacted immediately to what I saw there, and was
able to flip over and grab my grandson by his hair and fling
him across the room, thankfully, knocking him unconscious
long enough for me to get to the remote control and switch
back to Fox news, where they were showing Godly footage of
our Christian troops blowing up ignorant Arabiacs.
I have no idea how much mental damage my grandson
suffered while he was exposed to that cartoon show while I
was asleep, but I’ll tell you
what, I won’t hesitate to sue the bastards that put this
junk on TV if we find out anything happened to my
Pastor explained to the
congregation that he ordered a team of Creation Scientists, led by Dr. Jonathan Edwards, to
spare no expense on opening up a full investigation into the
lewd cartoon character, Sponge Bob, Square Pants™. “I ordered our Christian team not to stop their
investigation until they pulled out every single lewd,
disgusting, sexual reference in the cartoon,” said Pastor.
The two-hour slide presentation seen on
Sunday morning was the result of an investigation that
lasted nearly six months.
The full findings of that investigation cannot be revealed
on this public web site, since there is currently a
pending lawsuit between the Landover Baptist Church and the Nickelodeon Channel.
We can however, say that most of what we found is too
shocking for words. Innocent little Christian children might
be reading this article and they should not be exposed to the
decadent smut of Sponge Bob, Square Pants™, anymore than they
already have been.
“From what we’ve found,” says Dr.
Edwards, “is that we have what appears to be a little
yellow sponge who talks like a pervert. When you turn it
upside down, there are two unmistakable testicles and a
semi-erect penis hanging from its face. Thank Jesus that
children are not watching this program standing on their
heads, or we’d all be in trouble.”
Dr. Edwards also revealed that the entire cartoon
series has houses, plants, animals, and demon-like creatures
(most of which are shaped like sex organs) floating around,
talking nonsense. “One
purple penis shaped creature even moans and giggles
uncontrollably whenever he sees one of his ‘pals,’ like
he is secretly masturbating himself to them.” Click here
to listen, if you don’t believe it!
“As True Christians™, what we find
most frightening is that for the most part, the
majority of sex organs we’ve found in the cartoon, can
only be seen upside down,” continued Dr. Edwards. We played several sound tracks for the show backwards as
well, and it’s all demon talk.”
True Christians™ know that one of Satan’s
favorite ways of communicating to his followers is to do
things backwards, and upside down. “We know this from our
studies of Satanism, but we had no idea that it was being
used in the media – especially in children’s
“Is it okay for a person to take off their pants and walk around upside down so that his penis and testicles look like his nose and eyes? NO! So why should we allow a cartoon character to do the same thing while standing right side up? It’s ludicrous!” said Pastor Deacon Fred. “There is no doubt that we need to put a stop to this so-called, Sponge Bob, and his Square Penis. If we don’t, we'll soon be coming home to houses full of children, stripped of their clothes, hand walking around the living room spitting gibberish! We’ve already got our lawyers preparing a lawsuit.”