September 2001

CIA Reveals Secret Weapon in Fight Against Wacky Islamic Terrorists!


Freehold, Iowa - A Military source in Washington DC informed a gathering of Christian Pastors last week that America's armed forces have a secret weapon against Islamic terrorists. "Those who practice Islamic Fundamentalism are more terrified of pork than they are of bullets," he said. "If they get near even the oink from swine, they go straight to hell. We'd be fools not to use this against them in combat."

Congress has already outlined a series of proposed military strikes that the Pentagon is taking very seriously. Sources say that plans to load B-1 bombers with bacon, pork chops and pig knuckles are already underway. Hormel Company has graciously donated over 100,000 tons of pig jowls, pickled ham hocks and souse luncheon meat to aid in the war effort. As Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld pointed out in a Pentagon briefing: "Bacon Bits are ideal for getting into those small, hard-to-reach places those terrorists like to hide in." The NFL donated 150,000 pigskins  to bounce off the heads of the terrorists from 32,000 feet. "When them terrorists find out that our boys are dippin' their bullets in hog grease, they are gonna run like hell!" said Senator Jesse Helms.

"Landover Baptist Church is telling all of its members who are farmers to reach into their pig sties instead of their pockets for the next ten Sundays," said Pastor Deacon Fred. "We are going to have semis lined up by the main sanctuary, and you can just load them hogs right up. They will be shipped off to Hormel, Bob Evans, or boot camp. It's up to the U.S. Military. Wherever them pigs can serve, in whole or in parts.  According to our reading of that Koran of theirs, even by-products work like a charm.  We're are all familiar with the Koran here at Landover Baptist Church since we replaced all the toilet paper in our bathrooms with copies of that silly book long before September 11.  It makes some mighty fine wiping!   

Mrs. Betty Bowers, America's Best Christian, is rallying homemakers throughout this great land to lend a spatula to the  war effort. She tells all of her Bringing Integrity To Christian Homemakers members who wish to contribute bacon-bits for the airlifts: "Leave your soy-based imitation bacon bits in the pantry, gals. While those crazy Islamics in Afghanistan, who couldn't dress a salad with a yard of damask, won't be able to tell Fakin Bacon® isn't real pig, that Allah of theirs probably can. So, let's play it safe and leave the cheap imitation stuff for making twice-baked potatoes and casseroles for friends who are sick. This whole swinephobia just underscores the nutty things other religions will believe just because it is written in a book somewhere!"

All of America is encouraged to contribute any kind of Pork, Swine, Hog, Pig, Lard, Animal fat, Animal shortening, Gelatin, Hydrolyzed animal protein/protein, Collagen, Enzymes, Tallow, Emulsifiers, Stabilizers (Mono and Di-glycerides), Tween, Swine pepsin, Calcium separate, Poly-sorbates, Monostearates or Fatty acids for a series of air strikes that will take place over Afghanistan. Any farmer having an especially bright and intelligent pig is encouraged to contact the Central Intelligence Agency as there are currently three managerial openings in the "Terrorist Warnings" mobile Winnebago unit.

One Landover Farmer who donated his 380lb prize sow  said, "It was with tears in my eyes that I sent Old Millie out to Andrews Air Force Base yesterday. She is gonna make the best darn cave sniffer there ever was. And if she don't gnaw off one of them terrorists' legs with that old snout like she does our chickens - at least she'll make a good meal for the troops!"

Pastors are to encourage their church members to sponsor lard-coated missiles with their family name, picture and choice of scripture.  Said Pastor Decaon Fred: "First, we are going to coat them folks with bacon grease.  Then, we are going to heat things up with some missiles.  By this time next month, Afghanistan is going to be covered from border to border with some mighty tasty crackling."  





Copyright 1998-2007, Americhrist Ltd. All rights reserved. Terms of Service
The Landover Baptist website is not intended to be viewed by anyone under 18

Click to Visit the Landover Store!

As Seen on Network Television: Wear Nasty Bible Verses
Biblical Wisdom Gear!

Colored T-Shirts for Sinners at the Landover Baptist Store

Like the Site?  Buy the Book from the Writers of Landover Baptist!
Click to Get Our Godly Book!

Value T-Shirts in the Landover Baptist Store!
Click Here!