October 2007

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We Find Black Jesus Halloween Costumes Disrespectful and An Insult to Christian Decency! 


Freehold, Iowa - "I never thought I'd live to see the day where liberals find a way to sneak into our private Christian homes to gleefully spit in the face of Jesus Christ in the name of political correctness," Pastor Deacon Fred told church members this week. "It is one thing to try to make colored Christian folks feel better about themselves by making up a story about Jesus being a Colored person, but when real people actually start believing it - that's when it gets dangerous! Folks get hurt! Now we've got roughly 12 church members in a state of shock and hospitalized since Tuesday, all of them elderly with a grandchild who purchased one of these Colored Jesus Costumes at our Christian Mall this month." 

The Landover Baptist Mall's Halloween Store was shipped over two-dozen black Jesus costumes earlier this week. "We have our suspicions about who is responsible for this," said Pastor Deacon Fred. "I won't name names, but some hell-bound fools out there thought it would be a 'real hoot' to find a way to legally send our church members into a state of panic! Someone who gets their kicks out of messing with the delicate minds of people who hang their very lives on everything their Pastor preaches to them out of 2,000 year old book! Well, it isn't funny. A dozen of our major donors are in the hospital. They are undergoing treatment for panic attacks and mild heart failure over complications related to what our Creation Scientists are calling, "Nubian Jesus Shock Syndrome." People have no respect for the delicate sentiments of the elderly, and it is a shame! At least these poor folks will get a sigh of relief if God doesn't hear our prayers to heal them and they go home to Heaven where they will finally gaze into the bright blue eyes of the True Lord Jesus™."

One family member touched by this offensive tragedy, Mrs. Tawney Huxton, relates that after returning home from her job as a waitress at the Freehold Trucker's Buffet on Route 40, she saw her son Timmy, with his face painted black - dressed up in a Jesus costume, standing over the body of his 84-year-old grandmother. "Momma's face was locked in a state of horror, her eyes were wide open, her dry tongue was hanging out of her wrinkled old mouth and she was gasping for air!" she said.  "And little Timmy kept saying, 'Grandma, I'm just a jive honky playa! and I'm so sorry for what I've done!"  Immediately after hearing a report of Ebonics, the Landover Baptist Police Department descended upon the Huxton home and conducted a search of  little Timmy's bedroom. They found a collection of rap music CD's which have since been confiscated and burned. 

"Every Christian knows that Halloween is the Devil's Birthday," says Pastor Deacon Fred. "Lucifer's cockle of wicked tomfoolery is at full swing during this season, and the liberals give him total authority. Well, Mr. Lucifer! You varmint! I'm putting you on notice, you old rascal!  When you tangle with True Christians™, you tangle with Jesus Christ!" Church authorities report that after a statewide APB, all offensive politically correct Jesus costumes were removed from every Halloween Store in the state of Iowa. "The costumes will be burned on the Landover Baptist East Lawn at the weekly Platinum Tither's Harry Potter book burning after the gourmet pot-luck dinner on Saturday night," said Landover Baptist Police Officer, Rev. Donny Hawkins.. 

Turning tragedy into hope, Pastor Deacon Fred told church members on Sunday that he will now concentrate on crushing the liberal (Atheist) myth that Jesus was black. "If this whole thing taught us something, it is that we need to pay more attention to what those sneaky liberals are doing to destroy True Christianity™. They even have the gall to repaint history!" said Pastor. "Well, unsaved world! I have to tell you something! We here at Landover Baptist love our church members whether they be colored or just a regular person! I take it as a personal insult to folks who work and sweat each day in our sanitation ministry and in our kitchens! To make them think that Jesus was nothing more than a lazy Negro? Enough is enough! These poor people need something to look up to! A role model! Imagine if they were to believe that Jesus was just like them!

The Landover Baptist Church is officially banning all Black Jesus Halloween costumes. Pastor Deacon Fred issued the following statement to the media: "If you want to see True Christian™ proof that Jesus was not black, just look at the photos in your Christian Children's' Picture Bible! It doesn't get any clearer than that! Glory to God!"





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