March 2004

Brother Harry Hardwick Discusses Christian Tolerance With an Uppity Negro

An Actual Conversation With a Self-Appointed Man of Color

I noticed that there are no African Americans on your pastoral staff or deacon board..... [Earnest Black, Esq.]
Dear Ernest,

The sky is blue and apples are red. What's your point?

Yours in Christ,
Brother Harry Hardwick

It's funny how you try to skirt the issue I raised by pointing out to me the difference between the colors blue and red.. I don't have to get up and run outside and look up to know that the sky is blue, and I might further point out to you that not all apples are red. Only this issue here concerns the colors Black and white. And so my question to you is how come you all don't have any African American staff there at your organization? And please excuse me for not referring to you as "brother."  [Earnest Black, Esq.]
Dear Ernest,

My e-mail simply asked the point of your question. Of course, we don't have any coloreds ministering at our church. I couldn't understand why you found that curious.

Being true capitalists, at Landover, we believe that everyone should perform the work to which they are most suited. We do not have a single unemployed Negro or Mexican at our church. (In fact, we do not tolerate unemployment among those groups.) We also do not discriminate. If you take a drive through any of the many neighborhoods surrounding our church, you will see members of each race in yards, kitchens and certainly the fields. And I dare say, you can't walk through a department store in our town without encountering these people in a myriad of service-oriented roles.

So, while we certainly are not going to listen to them distort the Word of the Lord with ebonics and claims of apparition-spotting, we always provide them gainful employment. In fact, so loyal are we to these lesser folks that many of them are working for the same families and in the same capacities as their ancestors did, sometimes extending all the way back to the time in which we didn't even have to pay them.

I hope I've answered your question.

Yours in the warm, soothing Blood of the Lamb,
Brother Harry Hardwick
"Coloreds," "Negros," ??? That's enough right there to make me fire off a letter to Al Sharpton! You probably haven't heard the end of this! Good Day!  [Earnest Black, Esq.]
Dear Ernest,

Thank you for your support. While we appreciate a complimentary letter, please feel no need to write one to Al Sharpton. Not only is he obviously not a fit candidate for President, he probably isn't qualified to empty the President's trash. Hence, we want no accolades from him.

Thanks again for the compliment, but you should be aware that we have always shunned offensive language at our church. As True Christians, we believe soft language should be used in describing people, hence we haven't used the vicious "n" word in years (unless, of course, it is preceded by the term "sand"). 

Again, thanks for your support and know that when you come to our church, you won't hear offensive language. Feel free to send a tithe to support our continuing Christian endeavors. You'll find the address on our site.

Praying all will learn to avoid nasty terminology,
Brother Harry Hardwick
I think your "Christian Organization" should be investigated for anything that could call into question whether or not you all have violated any of the terms of your Tax Exempt status. [Earnest Black, Esq.]
Dear Ernest,

I strongly fear that you may be suffering from acute schizophrenia. One minute, you're promising to send complimentary correspondence to a Presidential candidate for our use of soft language when discussing the lesser races. The next minute, you're suggesting we're not entitled to tax exempt status. You have some serious issues (and apparently more personalities than Sybil).

Rest assured, we will persevere through any IRS audit (as we have repeatedly in the past). We hire the best Jews available in New York (we'd prefer to use local attorneys but, as you can imagine, there are very few of those heathens in Iowa). If they can't get us out of a financial mess, who can?

Finger-dipping in the Blood of the Lamb (I'm soaking in it!),
Brother Harry Hardwick
Please rest assured any correspondence I send to Al Sharpton or any other Civil Rights leader concerning your "christian organization" won't be complimentary. As for your use of "soft" terms like "coloreds and Negro" you obviously are so far out of touch with modern politically correct lexicon that you erroneously believe using these terms from a bygone era aren't offensive to anyone. Especially African Americans! New York Jew Lawyers! There's another use of an offensive stereotype! The "coloreds and Negros" to you are a lesser race that are to be exploited by your church and its members as a servitude class, i.e. yard workers, kitchen help, and field hands. And the Jew exists only as a last resort when you all encounter serious legal hassles! I think I'm beginning to get the picture here!  [Earnest Black, Esq.]
Dear Ernest,

I think you must be losing your mind. I didn't use the "n" word or the term referring to the moisture on their rears after swimming the Rio Grande. Furthermore, I am quite certain the darker of the two (when the difference is discernable) would be terribly offended to hear that you insist on referring to them by that God-forsaken hell-hole of a continent full of voodoo, demon worship and human sacrifices from which we rescued them over two centuries ago. And as for "New York Jew lawyers," I can think of no greater compliment for those people since, after all, who can Jew someone better than a Jew, and who has more money than a New York one of those? And how dare you suggest we are exploiting the Mexicans and Negroes in our employ! Every single investigation performed by both state and federal entities has uncovered no evidence of that. Just ask one of our New York Jew lawyers. Not only are those people paid in full accordance with their efforts and historical background, but they are allowed to take leftovers home with them.

What has happened to this once great, Godly nation when True Christians are persecuted on a daily (in your case, hourly) basis for their sincerely held religious beliefs! I wish you and your master, Satan, would descend back into Hell together and leave the Lord's followers alone.

Praying your eternity in flames will be as painless as possible,
Brother Harry Hardwick you've done it! You've revealed yourselves for who you all truly are! Landover Baptist Church is non other than The Ultimate Religion of the White Trash Race! And you're all nothing more than a bunch of degenerate, inbred, senile hatemongers masquerading as upright respectable Christians! Someday soon I do plan to pay a visit to your Church but I can't locate it on MapQuest.  [Earnest Black, Esq.]



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