A Small Sample of Landover Baptist Mail Received April 2006  (unedited and in original form)

I just wanted to let you know that I just read your bunny stew recipe and I find it in very poor taste and highly offensive. All this slaughter talk and inhumane behavior then this “if you love the Lord…” Well, my Lord is kind and compassionate. The animals were put upon this earth to server a purpose to man; however, man can be humane in their way of dealing with such gifts.

Concerned Christian

Thomas Graves

To whom ever this concerns: This morning I was searching the internet for resources on true Christian based churches, because my husband and I have been spending a lot of time lately talking about how we really need to focus on the Lord more in our lives. In the following letter I would like to describe my feelings about your website and beliefs:

I have never been more horrified in my life. I cannot believe what I read today, your church completely freaks me out. I read the article written about boys and what they are not allowed to do and what to do to prevent them from becoming homosexual. This article should be banned, it is abusive, degrading, cruel, unloving and against everything that is right. I am a Christian and completely believe that men should be with women and vice versa. I believe that being with the opposite sex is against everything right by the Lord, but I also believe that the Lord is forgiving and loves us all no matter what we do. So, if other people want to do things in their own way, who are we, more so, who are you to judge them so harshly. I believe that the problem today is not people's sexual preferences or how they may act, but the fact that people like you make this world a judgmental place to live. You have no right to take over as God. I know what is written in the bible and I feel strongly that God is a loving God and He himself is most likely disgusted by your "Geneva Convention" like actions. You think you are doing right and no matter what I say, you will continue to practice your degrading beliefs, but I am sickened that my fellow brothers and sisters are exposed to your unloving and cruel beliefs.

Also, the fines and rules that are set forth at your church are unbelievable!!!! Talk about an excuse to get money from the innocent hard working men and women out there who are just trying to make it in this confusing world. And to say that if everyone does not share your same beliefs than they shall burn in Hell. Are you serious??? I am not even going to go into that, because honestly it is down right ridiculous.

I am bewildered that there is a two year waiting list, and I will commend that fact that you can actually get people to come to your church. It is obvious that there are people out there that are gullible and will submit themselves to whatever form of cruelty, just to have a sense of belonging. To be honest I have always heard stories of churches like yours, but I always thought that it probably was not as bad as it was portrayed. But, after visiting your website I am now convinced that there are really sick people out there who have way to much authority over impressionable and weak minds.

I am sure that I am not first person to make a complaint about your beliefs and I will surely not be the last. I just know that in my heart of hearts, down deep in my soul, that you and whomever believes in the same, are the ones who will be judged by God and found to be cruel and un-just. Of course this in my own personal assumption, because I am in fact not God, but the difference between you and I is that you actually take the Lords name and use it against believers and manipulate people with bits and pieces from the bible and conform it to your own believing.

I am forwarding your website to my family and friends so that it can be exposed for the true horror that it is. And as for my own personal stand, I will pray for you and whomever believes in the same that God will not judge you as harshly as you judge others. Take a moment and just let this soak in, Satan resides and has made a home in your church, the good Lord has no part in your practices and beliefs, do not be fooled or think that you are fooling everyone because you aren't. May God have mercy on you.

Teresa Robinson

I would like for you to know that I got onto your website today and read briefly about your view of "Catholics".. you are a sick and twisted person. How can you possibly call yourself a pastor? You may not agree with the Catholic faith but you should not post such ludacris things on your website. I have no respect for people like you.

Amber Maxfield

Keep looking,

You'll find it one day guys. Just try not to hurt anyone on the way. If someone does get hurt and you find your hand sitting on a hornets nest, don't go blaming anyone else (esp. not your crazy mother, or your unloving father, I've heard that one way too often.)

Shoot me an e-mail when you decide to parody fundamentalist Islam. Give some thought to that one. Now that's funny.

Good luck gentlemen-

Signed, Rebecca Reis

P.S. Man, I hope you guys have some good security.

I must admit that I am quite impressed with anyone who would take hundreds of hours of their life to make fun of the biggest religion in the world. Do you have any web sites making fun of jews, muslims, NOI, or any other religions such as these who worship false gods?


Joey Toms

Hi There, I took your online science quiz....and I must say...that I have NEVER in my life...seen a bigger load of CRAP, than I did on that science quiz. There was absolutely NO SCIENCE whatsoever in that quiz. All of the supposedly incorrect answers were right...and all the right answers were wrong. I am a science major....and that quiz is an insult to myself...and all of humanity.

You not only degrade yourself by putting that utter bullshit up on a website, but also degrade the intelligence of each and every human on the planet. Your pathetic attempt to explain the complex and amazing universe with some type of creationism, perpetuates the already prevalent level of ignorance you religious types are famous for......Shame on you for passing those lies on to our children.

Niceryn Rendrag

It may be very old, but your article about Toy Story II being the Devil's work had us rolling on the floor laughing. You think you are going to heaven when all you do is bash everyone? I'd rather let my child watch those movies over and over than to ever let them anywhere near your so called church. It's pretty funny how you consider yourself "saved" but all you really are is prejudiced and self-rightous. I'd really hate to see you choke on a donation envelope and get Satan's scepter up your ass!


Your beautifull website inspired me!

Your beautifull website inspired me to throw up. Your website is a hate crime. I am not gay, but i believe in freedom of choice, freedom of religion, and freedom of thought, you conservative back water idiots. Guess what? 70% Of the world is not Christian. Get over yourselves, seriously. "Report Mommy or Daddy if they try to get you to read Harry Potter" I notice that a priest raping a little biy wasn't on that list. You know how everyone says "What would Jesus do?" I'm pretty sure he wouldn't be talking to fucking kids about being gay/godless/communist. What, are you living in the middle ages? Guess what? DRINKING COFFEE ISN'T A SIGN THAT A PARENT IS MAKING A FUCKING PIPE BOMB!!!!!!!!! Is this website funded by the republican party? "Report your parents if they say 'what weapons of mass destruction'" Hey genius, there weren't. Just to piss you off: Fuck Jesus. Fuck God. There is no heaven. Turn up the rick and roll music. Use condoms and have sex twice a day! THINK FOR YOURSELF, homosexuality isn't even reffered to (let alone denounced) in the bible, which by the way has been severely edited and rewritten by dried up scaggy boy touching FUCK BAGS like you. I hope you die real painfully, and then POOF! No heaven! HA! have a nice death you cocks. of look. "Would you allow gang members to lounge on your church steps, cleaning their guns and listening to offensive ghetto music? " <-- That is RACISM, you racist fucks. I hope your church burns down. Oh, and please respond back if I've offended you. I love freedom of speech.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Because there is no god (no capital g for you)


Steve Kern

Let me first open by saying that I am a Christian. I confess that the Lord Jesus is my personal Lord and Saviour, and that through Him I know who G-d (out of reverence for G-d I do not include the o) is.

Let me open by saying this, "Jesus was a Jew." He worshipped and taught in the Temple to the Pharisees and Scribes. As part of this He believed that G-d resided in the Temple. Thus when you say that unbelievers are not welcome in G-d's home, I agree with you. However, your definition of the location of G-d's house and Jesus' varies by over 4000 miles.

You say that unbelievers are not welcome within 10 miles of your Church. How can you judge who is a believer and who isn't? Is a believer one who is sinfree? Can we be sinfree? Is that a "perfect" man? Are you a perfect being who can judge the heart of man? Are you perfect? Do you deserve Christ's saving grace?

If you answered yes to those questions, look up Roman's 3 verses 20-26, but particularly look at 3:23, "For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God;" (KJV).

Now if I came off as argumentitive, sorry but your website leads me to be that way. Now what type of Baptist Church are you? American, Southern, Wisconsin Synate, Missouri Synate?

G-d Bless all of you,

Tim Lathrop

Hello, my name is Steve Fiscus. I recently read your "satan's recent releases" and I have to say that I slightly disagree with what you said in regards to the movie Ice Age. You claim that the period of time known as the ice age never existed because it was never mentioned in the Bible and that it was just scientific "theory". Well, that's where you're wrong. You see, the ice age is not a theory, it is a fact. It existed and there's evidence to prove so. I'm not going to get into a holy war, because there is a lot of grey areas that science and the Bible can't yet explain, but to shrug off a scientific fact because of your beliefs, well that's no longer a religion, but a cult. Let me explain why. You see, the Bible is a bunch of stories put together to help Christians through everyday life. But it doesn't explain anything about what science has recently discovered. So for you to ignore obvious facts, and say, "well the Bible doesn't say", well then you would be considered ignorant and oblivious to real life and real facts. Similar to how a member of a cult would act, out of touch with what is real, stuck on what they believe without a willingness to budge. Thus, your religion is no longer a religion, but a cult. Maybe you should read some different books. Books that have facts, as opposed to great coincidences such as the Bible.


Can I say....you guys have quite a BRAINWASHING" scam going on over there. I hope you can wake up in the morning and realize how the children that belong to that church are being corrupted more by attending your church....than they would in any school system. You need help!! You need to open your eyes and quit forcing innocent people to live within "YOUR BUBBLE" of paranoia. People like you make religion and God something bad. Why do you have to cram religion and insane thoughts down people's throats? You need to get a life, man.

Greg Brown

As a Christian, I am deeply offended by many of the hateful and inappropriate things you have chosen to put on your website. Christians often wonder why non-believers are so hostile towards us, it is not because they hate the message of love, it is because psychopaths like you people put things on the internet like this! You people are persoanlly responsible for driving unbelievers away from God's grace and love! On the day of judgement, your actions will be measured against the balance, and will be found wanting!

Why do you not want unbelievers in your site? Does Jesus no command us to go into the world and make disciples? Did Jesus not eat dinner with tax collectors?

I am sick and tired of the crap you people sling. You need to clean up your act before it is to late. You need to back up the things you say with scripture, and you need to stop being so judgemental! It is not your place to be judgemental!

And the scripture that you do use to back up your heretical claims is taken out of context and meaning!

I am ashamed that you people call yourselves Christians.


Braden Murray

your opinion on masturbation if i may use a mild word is terrible. how can you say a person should masturbate thinking about Jesus. Masturbation is a sin and should not be done at all. thinking about Jesus doing it is an insult.

you went further to say they could do it so far not up to orgasm stage. and if they do they would be purnished by being dissabled. this is really terrible.

you also said that if a brother recites bible verses or sings a christian song and the sister does not respond he is possesed and should be taken to the pastor tied etc, WHAT NONSENSE.


EVEN if bible did not mention masturbatin bible makes us know that sexual sins are not good. and masturbation is a sexual sin. Christ even said that if a man just looks at a woman lusrfully he has already commited adultory much more robing your private parts.

your opinion are absorbed. while would you disable the young people who would becuase youy said they can do it mistakenly do it to orgasm?

please i can't say much now . get filled with the Holy Ghost, let the Holy Ghost teach you the world. the Holy Ghost is our teacher. do not use phead knowledge .

thanks bye.

Dear Pastor,

I have just seen the advertisement for your children's book, The Little Jew : (Levi, The Dancing Cockroach) by Gloria Steinhunt

I cannot believe that still today, Jews are portrayed as cockroaches, or that your faith sees fit to promote its own beliefs by demeaning those who believe differently. Is there no place in your world for tolerance and love? Must you resurrect the images used by Hitler? How does that sit with the morality you try to teach your children? Shame on you -- it's like stamping on the graves of the dead.

Dr Deborah Guth

I have a comment to make on an artical you have posted on your website about the Tatoos and piercings. You state in there, "You might ask yourself why skatateboarding is in this same category. Well, there is an entire subculture of wicked children with baggy clothes running around using wheels instead of their feet! Moving and going places no decent God fearing Christian would dare to go in half the time it takes to get there. It couldn't be more clear. "

It could be more clear, you are close minded to what people choose to wear, and personally I would think you would be targeting the children that don't wear enough fabric than the ones that wear too much. More over, I hope none of you at this website drive a car because that would be a direct mark against what you are saying in this statement that you have made. The only place I see skateborders is around parking lots when there is no place for children to ride otherwise, or at the skateparks where it makes it safer for them to ride. If you are saying that these places are not decent for God fearing Christians, then I hope that you have a big garden.

And why does what you wear even constitute if you are Christian, and even if you aren't, shouldn't we be looking at if they are a good person even if what they believe is not the same idea as yours? Maybe if we all just consentrate on teaching our children to be kind and except other people who are also kind, the world would be a lot better off, rather than teaching them that they are not allowed to play with the muslim boy down the street because his views are different than yours.


Person with a Tattoo that doesn't fit into any of the categories that you listed in this artical and has Christian views.

Jamie Clark

Evidently you have no understanding of the consequences of poking "fun" (as I'm sure you see it) at God's Holy Word. You are not only very much in the wrong, but you are also leading others down a dangerous path. Misrepresent me however you please, as I'm sure you will. I have no plan to ever visit your site again - it was quite by accident in the first place. Know this, that I will be praying for you - and others like you - to figure out how wrong you are before God Himself has to bring it to your attention.

Jill Franks

Your "church" is fucking sick how the hell can you possibly think that it is legal to corrupt kids into your beliefs and keep deluding them to the point where I will report you to the court of human rights

Trevor Laing

After reading your lovely anti-homo remedies....It has ocurred to that you are a hateful, close-minded, prejudiced, ASSHOLE. Its people like you that give HUMANS a bad name. I you really read the Bible...Its states that Jesus loves us no matter who or whay we are, as long as you're saved. Guess what motherfucker, I'm gay, happily married (In California we call it a Domestic Partnership). That's right asshole, my marriage is legal and approved by the State Senate. I don't know what sick fuck raised you, but you got a lot of nerve sending such hateful shit on the net. You people like me wouldn't find shit like this? And by the way...Nobody says the term "negro" any more. Times has changed, we are now African-Americans. You might as well face it, we're all here and queer...And we're here to stay. I have a feeling you'll be going to hell a lot sooner than I will be.

Chris Grier

You guy's are messed up! You're beliefs are almost completely out of context. You're belief about the unsaved not being allowed in you're church is ridiculous! How else can a man hear the woed of God other than wittnessing? I am no longer wasting my time and energy trying to tell you what all you're "church" is doing wrong. God bless you and help you.


Dear Landover Baptist Church,

I would like to start this email out by saying that what I think you are trying to accomplish here has nothing to do with my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ...You are not a believer you are a wolf in sheep's clothes and I pray that God will turn your eyes from the blindness that Satan has covered your eyes with. I thank you for opening my eyes to the true wolf in sheep's clothing and hope that your heart and ears will be opened to what God truly has in mind for you.

Will be praying for,


I wanted to extend an appreciation for your article on the game World of Warcraft. I am fully aware that your website is satire, and as such, you are belittling and denigrating Christians by acting as a Christian Church and then posting lies.

However, the Christian name derived from a similar act. Shortly after Christ ascended into Heaven, the believers of that time were denigrated by being called "Christian" which meant "little Christ." As such, the name was adopted by the believers and now we are called Christians.

As such, due to your article, Christians are becoming more bold in their faith in the World of Warcraft game. This article, while entirely untrue, has helped inspire even me to proclaim Christ within the game. Of course, the approach as you described contradicts every teaching of Christ. Any true Christain would know this. Thus, I do not fear anyone becoming like the imaginary characters as you described in the article.

Thanks again for your help in encouraging fellow Christians to become more active in the World of Warcraft community.

With love,

Blake Kidney

I am appalled my the way that your quizzes depict that women are nothing and men are EVERYTHING to God. We are all God's children and he loves us all equally! I have been brought up a Christian and even attended a Christian school. So, yes, I have studied the word of God and I know his preachings. Everything that was posted for the answers to the questions on the quizzes regarding sex and woman were all passages that were taken out of context. How dare you teach that to good servants of the Lord. That is very shameful and you should never distort the word of God for your own personal beliefs. Just because I am a woman doesn't mean that Jesus did not die for my sins along with yours!!!!! You are just breading wife-beaters and men who believe that it's okay to rape women because it is HER fault (or so saith you web page). You disgust me!

Ashley Brown

Hi, I was reading on your website (http://www.landoverbaptist.org/news1199/potter.html) how you believe that Harry Potter books are works of Satan. I find that an interesting concept, yet hard to believe at the same time. If you believe that it is the works of Satan, then surely you must think that J K Rowling is either Satan herself, or is working for Satan. Why not attack her? I have one question for you though, have you ever read any of the Harry Potter books? It is quite hard (and very ignorant of you) to criticize something you have not read and studied yourself. Harry Potter books are located in the science-fiction/fantasy isle of bookstores for a reason...because they are FANTASY. If you try to take away books from children, you are taking away their imagination. Let me ask you this...Did you ever pretend you could make something happen when you were a child? Did you ever wish you were a Prince or Princess, even though you knew it was not possible? Did you ever use your IMAGINATION? I'm sure you can answer yes to at least one of those questions.

Also, you say that you are worried about children reading HP because there is a RUMOR that he may have killed his parents with a butcher knife...First of all, if you actually read the books, you would know that Harry was only an infant when his parents were killed. There is NO WAY possible that he would have been able to hold a butcher knife, let alone kill someone. Also, HOW MUCH KILLING AND MURDER IS IN THE BIBLE (not counting the rape, alcohol, human sacrifices and slavery...among many other things)? The Bible is the MOST VILOENT book I have EVER read, and yet you think that is okay for a child to read? I could tell you MANY PROVEN stories about the bible, that I am sure you do not know...and if you did know them you would probably be scared of it.

If you actually would pick up a HP book, you would realize that it is full of GREAT themes for children to learn (friendship, love for family, learning...) One of the biggest themes is to always help out your friends, no matter what. It is a wonderful book for children, and I hope that MANY MORE books like this come into publication so that children can read them.

'The Ladies of Landover are holding a midnight prayer vigil on July 15th outside the Freehold, Iowa Barnes and Noble. True Christians™ across the state of Iowa will be practicing civil disobedience as we block the entrances of every major bookstore in the state. We are calling upon all believers everywhere in God's country to take up the cross of Christ and flop your body onto the pavement or lock arms with your brethren to form a love link in front of a bookstore to prevent ignorant unsaved people from purchasing Satan's new Harry Potter book: The Half-Blood Prince. If you see anyone with this book in hand, shout, "Fire on you! in the name of Jesus!" Snatch the book from them, toss it to another Christian brother or sister and put flame to it as quickly as possible. Make sure you hand the person a Bible to replace the Half-Blood Prince and tell them to read that instead.' You may not agree with the themes of the books, but that gives you NO RIGHT to block entrances to book stores and burn other peoples property (the books). As you may well have noticed, HP is one of the BIGGEST things right now, so obviousally it could not be as bad as you make it out to be, or God would put a stop to it.

Another point I would like to make...You say that witches are being trained by the books. There IS NOT enought information AT ALL to train a witch from these books! These are CHILD FANTASY books, not witches manuals. And for your information, Wiccans ARE NOT witches (as a practicing pagan, I know the difference...We DO NOT appreciate being called a witch and being compared to Satan). Witches are something you dress up for on Halloween, Wiccans are a totally different thing. You really need to get your facts straight before you criticize something. At least when I criticize the Bible...I have read the whole thing (cover-to-cover) and I have researched it many times over (taken college masters courses in religion)...I know what I am talking about and I know how to make good cases against myself.

'The Harry Potter book series is filled with fantastic images of hell, Catholicism, sissyism, and liberalism'...Please show me exact examples of this. You may read the books MANY TIMES over, and not be able to show me specific examples of any of this! Please know what you are talking about before you try to ban something. If you were to ask me of any specific argument I have against the bible, I could provide you with quotes you could not deny! I see nothing like that on your webpage...What I see is you trying to ban children's imagination!

'encourage children to escape into their own private make-believe worlds.' Children need their own private spaces to create, they need something to fall back on when times get tough and overwhelming for them. I don't know about you, but I ALWAYS made up my own worlds and stories when I was a child. I knew the difference between fantasy and reality (as do children now-a-days). 'They encourage youngsters to run away from their problems and escape the world by creating destructive and dangerous fantasies.' No one is encouraging children to run away from their problems. If anything, these books will help them face their problems. They can learn that even though you may be a 'sissy', you can still make great things happen! Fantasy is just that, not destructive and dangerous. Where would this world be without fantasy. You might as well just burn every book store and library there is, because they're bound to have some fantasy make-believe stories in them! '

After the burning, if any of these 'so-called' children's books are found anywhere on church grounds or in the home of any church member, proper steps will be taken to ensure your child is fully deprogrammed from the illicit material (which may or may not include a trip to a Russian orphanage at your expense) and you will be fined $250.00 per book. ' I had to laugh after reading this part. This is not only ridicioulous, it makes people fear religion. My children have a copy of all the HP books and the DVDs, and I will let them watch and read what I want them to, not what a 'church' says is okay. I have read all the books myself (multiple times), and it DOES NOT make me a bad person. There is no one that should say otherwise about me either.

I'm sorry, but your whole website is ridicioulous and will be viewed as a joke by MANY people. You can not live your whole life blaming everyone else for mistakes you have made in life. You are hiding behind anything you can, to explain things you do not understand. Please try to understand things before you make them look bad. This just makes religion seem bad and makes people wonder if God really is good.

If you have actually read this far, I appreciate it. I realize that your site is your opinion and you have every right to express what you want on it. I just wish you would not be so ignorant about these issues. I was once a christian, but I turned away from it because of things like this. NO ONE controls my life but me. I do not want people telling me what I can and cannot do, that just is not the way I live (and I know the majority of people agree with me--after all, only 30% of the world is christian or catholic--and that has been PROVED!).

Have a good day, and if I at all upset you, I apologize. I just wanted to express my opinion of your site.

Dreams Made Flesh

I am Jewish. A proud Jew. I'm not going to inslult you, because then I would just stoop down to your level. Does Homosexuality scare you? TOO BAD! The world is full of (as you call them) Homos.

Every man has three names: one his father and mother gave him, one others call him, and one he acquires himself. -- Ecclesiastes Rabbah 7:13

You really are not giving yourselves good names...

Im not a druggie either, but I think people should have the right to do drugs. GO NADER! By the way, I MASTURBATE! I STROKE MY LONG HARD COCK UNTILL I CUM EVERYWHERE! AND THEN I GO AND DO IT AGAIN WHILE LOOKING AT PORN!!!! I am gonna insult you actually! You meshuginah! This is rediculus!

Alex Silver