June 2004

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Demon-Possessed Lunatic Escapes From Church Facility 

Emergency Alert for Residents of Freehold, Iowa

Freehold, Iowa - Church Authorities instinctively grabbed their shotguns and hopped into their SUV's earlier this week when they received word that Benjamin Calomiris had escaped from the Landover Baptist Home for the Demonically Possessed.  Pastor Deacon Fred tried to calm the Board of Deacons by reminding them that the Home for the Demonically Possessed in Buckford, North Dakota  is over 900 miles from Freehold, Iowa. "It is a great distance, and much has changed in the last forty-five years," he told the Deacons. "Not only that, but dozens of demons and countless years of electro-testicular shock therapy have made Benjamin about as dumb as a rock.  He can't go two minutes without having to stop and go to the bathroom," said Pastor.  "So my guess is, he won't get too far on foot." Pastor's remarks were not enough to deter the Board of Deacons from assembling 200 church members and three Baptist police officers into an emergency sin-posse. The next morning, a convoy of SUV's filled with deputized Christian soldiers and underfed hunting dogs sped out of the church parking lot in a cloud of dust, headed for Buckford, North Dakota. 

On Sunday morning, concerned church members were told that while Benjamin spent each day under the delicate care of concerned Creation Scientists, he was locked up behind iron bars in a cell deep below the Home for the Demonically Possessed. "Demon-possession and the necessary medical and Biblical treatment an individual with this condition must undergo, often prevents the possessed from learning to read or write, or even to communicate effectively beyond grunting," said Landover Creation Scientist, Dr. Jonathan Edwards. "So, church members shouldn't worry too much. Last reports indicate that he doesn't even know his own name, much less where he comes from.  The hell-bound fool can barely even wipe himself!"

Nevertheless, the Landover campus has been placed on light orange alert until Benjamin is captured or shot dead. Pastor Deacon Fred is asking church members to report any sightings to the Landover Baptist Police Department. "I'm told this feller is pretty loaded up with demons, so I'd be very careful not to shoot him around any animals, lest you want a farm full of demon-possessed chickens on your hands," said Pastor. "This walking demon motel needs to be dealt with professionally. God willing, our sin-posse will get to him before he reaches a major interstate."

Some older church members will recall that little Benjamin was shipped off to North Dakota in the Spring of '59 after being found barely alive under a burnt mattress in the smoking debris of the old Calomiris estate in East Freehold. After his wounds were treated, he was immediately given a formal Bible Crawl test, which he failed. Benjamin was 2-years old when he was officially declared "chock full of demons." He was transported to the facility in North Dakota the next day.

Benjamin's family, all now deceased, were still in their home when church members rightly burned it to the ground. Everyone knows the details of the "why's" and the "what for's" of the Calomiris family incident, so we won't get into that here. Suffice it to say, thanks to the dedication and commitment of our governing body here at Landover Baptist in 1959, there has been no talk of women preachers since that uppity harlot, Macel Calomiris and her molly-coddled husband, Benny, are now clinging to a hot lava rock just off shore from Lucifer's beach side hotel in the lake of fire.  

Pastor Deacon Fred hopes to have more details regarding the exact nature of Benjamin's escape from The Landover Baptist Home for the Demonically Possessed later this week. "Dr. Edwards is going to fly out there, and when he gets back, we'll have a full report," said Pastor. "All we know now is that there are signs that he spent the last forty-years or so digging a tunnel, apparently with a spoon that was left unaccounted for. Rest assured we'll be questioning the kitchen staff and examining their record-keeping practices."

Church members also learned that Benjamin only needed to be checked and fed once every four days, so the exact date of his escape is unknown. "He could have four days on us, tops," says Pastor. "But we've got the dogs out, and we're fairly confident we'll have him tracked down before he gets anywhere near a populated area."

If you are a new church member, and are curious about our church history, visit Dora Jean Hazlett, curator of the Landover Baptist Historical Society.




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