August 2005

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Cults:  A Handy Reference Guide

It is a dangerous world out there.  As our Christian nation opens its doors to more foreign trash, God's people are unfortunately exposed to exotic new ideas that might cause some to question their True Christian™ beliefs.  

In order to assist you in defending the Bible, we believe it is important for you to at least understand in the simplest of terms what in tarnation all these false religions are going on about.  As such, we have prepared the quick handy reference guide below.  Each cult is linked if you require more resources to help you share Jesus with these deluded, lost souls. 

Mormons - You get your own planet when you die. The more wives you have on earth, the more planets you get. Elite members get their own pair of magic underwear.

Scientologists - A cheap science fiction story by mediocre writer, L. Ron Hubbard, about a space opera that happened 75 million years ago. Anyone who reads the story without paying the Board of Directors enough money will get pneumonia and die.

Jehovah's Witnesses - A social group of fat old colored women who shop at K-mart and knock on doors, begging for food. They don't celebrate holidays or birthdays. They believe that hospitals are evil and that Jesus was really the angel Michael and He died on a stake instead of a cross. Their core belief is that since 1884, God works behind a small desk in an office in Brooklyn, New York.

Quakers - Modern day peasants who live on a strict diet of oats and practice idolatry by praying to an image of their god imprinted on oversized cardboard canisters of oatmeal.

Seventh Day Adventists - Snooty pick and choose bible literalists who believe Saturday is the Sabbath since it is the literal last day of the week, but they ignore verses about God's command to stone their disobedient children.

Catholics - Pope loving, bead counting, ring kissing, altar boy buggering, genuflecting, Mary worshipping, candle lighting, superstitious folks who get marital advice from men who wear skirts.

Muslims - Ravenous, blood thirsty, Moon worshipping descendents of the damned and hellbound son of Abraham (Ishmael). Gene Rodenberry modeled his popular Klingon race on the television series "Star Trek" after these real life barbarians.

Hindus - Brown skinned, cow worshipping, rice eating people from far away lands.

Wiccans - Pale faced, overweight, body piercing, tree worshipping Satanists who get their kicks at renaissance festivals, playing Dungeons and Dragons and vandalizing Baptist churches.

Yogis - Sex addicted skinny granola crunchers who believe that if you can tie your body into a knot you will reach enlightenment through extended orgasms.

Vegans - Modern day witches who are seduced by evil spirits into mocking God by ignoring His order for us to eat meat (1 Timothy 4:1-3).

Amwayism - Individual distributors under the control of unseen dark forces to do nothing but sell Tupperware products.





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