- You get your own planet when you die. The more wives you have on
earth, the more planets you get. Elite members get their own pair of
- A cheap science fiction story by mediocre writer, L. Ron Hubbard,
about a space opera that happened 75 million years ago. Anyone who reads
the story without paying the Board of Directors enough money will get
pneumonia and die.
Witnesses - A social group of fat old colored women who shop at
K-mart and knock on doors, begging for food. They don't celebrate
holidays or birthdays. They believe that hospitals are evil and that
Jesus was really the angel Michael and He died on a stake instead of a
cross. Their core belief is that since 1884, God works behind a small
desk in an office in Brooklyn, New York.
- Modern day peasants who live on a strict diet of oats and practice
idolatry by praying to an image of their god imprinted on oversized
cardboard canisters of oatmeal.
Day Adventists - Snooty pick and choose bible literalists who
believe Saturday is the Sabbath since it is the literal last day of the
week, but they ignore verses about God's command to stone their
- Pope loving, bead counting, ring kissing, altar boy buggering,
genuflecting, Mary worshipping, candle lighting, superstitious folks who
get marital advice from men who wear skirts.
- Ravenous, blood thirsty, Moon worshipping descendents of the damned
and hellbound son of Abraham (Ishmael). Gene Rodenberry modeled his popular
Klingon race on the television series "Star Trek" after
these real life barbarians.
- Brown skinned, cow worshipping, rice eating people from far away
- Pale faced, overweight, body piercing, tree worshipping Satanists who
get their kicks at renaissance festivals, playing Dungeons and Dragons
and vandalizing Baptist churches.
- Sex addicted skinny granola crunchers who believe that if you can tie
your body into a knot you will reach enlightenment through extended
- Modern day witches who are seduced by evil spirits into mocking God by
ignoring His order for us to eat meat (1 Timothy 4:1-3).
- Individual distributors under the control of unseen dark forces to do
nothing but sell Tupperware products.