From: Pastor Deacon Fred, Landover Baptist Church
To: All News Outlets, whether Godly or Liberal

Friends, there comes a time for all rich, high-profile conservative Christian organizations -- whether they be Focus on the Family, American Family Association or the Lord's own place of worship, Landover Baptist Church -- when they must listen carefully to the One Voice they always ultimately turn to for guidance in times of trouble. I am, of course, talking about expensive secular public relations consultants. And each of the focus groups we have marshaled (except for one full of yapping camel-jockeys in Islamabad) has been telling us we need to disassociate ourselves from a word we love and hold dear -- "fundamentalist." You see, that word is now being used to describe Muslims, who also believe in following a book without question. But the difference is that those Muslim folks are crazy. They do everything in the name of some imaginary fellow called Allah living in the sky! We, on the other hand, only do stuff for Jesus.

Because of this confusion, like other members of the Southern Baptist Convention, Landover Baptist Church will discontinue using the word "fundamentalist" since it is a word associated with religious fanatics who believe they are the only ones who have God's blessing or act according to His wishes. (Well, I mean the ones overseas.) Therefore, a word that has come to mean religious extremism and a misguided delusion of a proprietary insight into the mind of a divinity shall no longer be used to describe our inerrant beliefs that come directly from God's lips. We are reluctantly making this semantic change because we think it is important that intelligent, American people - and also fellow formerly-known-as Fundamentalist Christians -- do not confuse sane, logical Christian Fundamentalism with its crazy bastard sibling Islamic Fundamentalism.

After all, most American Christians pose no threat to the safety of their fellow citizens. Now, that doesn't mean I'm advocating standing too close to an abortion clinic folks! If you are a gayboy or a babykiller, then you are still fair game. But, you see, whereas American conservative religious fundamentalists may kill folks for God, them rag-wearing Muslims do it in a "fanatic" kind of way. The folks they kill don't know the difference, but we do. You don't need a secular dictionary to know that that word comes from "fan." It helps to think of Muslims as sort of like Barry Manilow fans: They worship something nobody else understands and they do it unquestioning. Most Christians aren't like that at all. We're not slaves to Jesus' every word: We are more like sympathetic listeners. As Fundamentalist Christians, if we don't like something He says - like stop our hobby of judging - we simply don't act on it. We interpret our way out it. That way, if Jesus told us to drive a Delta jet into a building, you can be guaranteed that it would conflict with a hunting plans, a football game, or a tee-time and it would never be done! That is why most Christians are not a threat to anyone - cause we are not big on being inconvenienced. We don't even like to be on an airplane without a roast beef sandwich, much less a captain. Those Muslims, on the other hand, seem to actually follow what their god says. And, as an American Fundamentalist who is familiar with what is attributed to God, that is a pretty scary thing to think about, friends.

Don't worry folks, like all True Christians®, we will still take everything in the Bible literally, except the teachings of Jesus Christ. Anyone who would turn the other cheek after what happened on September 11th should be shot dead or crucified. As American Christians, we don't give away our possessions to the poor, we don't hate our mothers and fathers, and at this point, Jesus' command to 'love our enemies' just sounds even more like the talk of a sissy than it ever did.

It is just like America's Best Christian and Landover Baptist Spokeswoman, Mrs. Betty Bowers, confided to the Today Show's Katie Couric: ""Dropping the word fundamentalist is simply in response to recommendations by lobbyists. It does not signal a change in doctrine or mean that we are encouraging our flock to begin thinking for themselves. It is basically like Puff Daddy becoming P. Diddly-Squat after he was caught with a carload of guns. We are very concerned with our image after the word 'fundamentalist' has, through the diligent efforts of religious fanatics at home and abroad, come to signify mindless adherence by zealots to superstitious nonsense. Frankly, it is a whole lot easier simply to change our name than the way we think."

I have to tell you, it may seem like an important change, but members of the Southern Baptist Convention expressed little concern over infidels who think this change in what we call ourselves will herald "sweeping changes" in doctrine and church policy. "We are told that very few changes will have to take place when we make the transition," Pastor Harry Hardwick assured me. "It looks like we are going to have to add a few songs to our hymnals about forgiving our enemies and loving folks and stuff. But that doesn't mean we have to sing them!"

 

 

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