June 2008

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Pastor, Why Does My Penis Get So Hard?

Geoffrey HargravesDear Pastor,

I feel embarsed to write about this to you. But you said at childrens sermon time ask anything to you? I think i need help becuse i asked my dad about this questin this afternoon and he was mad and yelled don't tell your mother!! don't tell her again and he smacked my head in back and my I hit my head in the toylit!.

I look at pitchures of my comics super heros superman and batman i have myslef getting very long down in my peenis and I dont know why it gets too hard but it goes right away when I am eating or mom calls. He also becomes like this way waking before school and it hurts. also and i pee everywhere even on the mirrors and the sinks cause it wont go down.

So why is this happening and can't it stop? When i try pushing it makes it harder and longer. can you help and please dont tell my dad cause he knows already and gets mad. Like he yells i am a sissy. i want it to stop, help me what do i do, am i bad? I feel bad.

Geoffrey Hargraves
Age 14
Landover Baptist Chirstin Acedemy


I received your letter in my email and I immediately forwarded it to your father. First of all, I am going to be brief, because you are your father's business. The Bible teaches you that you must be obedient and honor him whatever the case. If your father is listening to National Public Radio or if you hear him saying positive things about Hillary Clinton or Barak Obama, that is a whole other matter. Please report him to church security immediately.

Your concerns at this point are strictly a family matter that must be dealt with immediately by your father, without letting your mother know anything, before it gets worse.

From now on, please use the correct Christian terminology when referring to your so-called, "penis." We call it a "Tallywacker." I am sure you father has taught you that, but my main concern here is that you are experiencing arousal while looking at male cartoon characters. Reginald, I'm only going to say this once, and let it sink into your mind and never forget it, because it is an ABSOLUTE truth! If you let your eyes lock onto something for over 5-seconds, Satan enters your brain and sends demons down your blood stream into your Tallywhacker to create what we call, "hardening." It is Lucifer's favorite way of making boys confused about what they choose to fancy. You will learn more about that if you are still with us after Tuesday. Right now, keep your eyes closed as much as possible. You don't want to go to Hell, do you? Well, then stop looking at things!

Please print out this letter and show it to your father, and also bring the letter to school on Monday morning and show it to your gym teacher, Butch Fistings. I've contacted him in regard to this matter and he will conduct a series of examinations that will assist you. Some of these exams will be very painful, just don't be a sissy and cry.  Don't be a baby. You've already caused a great deal of embarassment for your entire family, since Jesus told me to post your letter on the world wide web. 

Be sure to pack an extra pairs of trousers, young man.  You should also pack some socks and a few shirts and bring them with you to school on Monday. Give your mother a kiss goodbye and then look her right in the eyes for no more than 3-seconds! Then, look at the ground and say, "I hope you're happy! You just might have turned me into a damned sodomite, harlot of Eve!" Walk to the school bus without looking back, or you will turn into a pillar of salt.

One other thing, as soon as you get this letter, burn all of your comic books in your backyard. This is a physical act of contrition and obedience to the Lord. Pray to Jesus and thank Him for the wonderful gift of reconciliation. Tell Him that you are a worthless sinner and need to be dipped in the sweet-fresh blood of the Lamb. Ask Him to forgive you. Ask Him to guide your gym teacher's hands in the long and painful de-sissification process ahead. Plead the power of Christ over your shame, and call the Devil out! A-men.

I want your parents to know that I have the authority to make you stand out by football practice for a month with a sandwich board around your neck that says, "My Name is Reginald and My Penis Is Hard!"  If you don't get de-sissified right quick, you can bet your pink little pre-homo little back side there's a lot more in store for you than having your little Nancy Boy face plastered all over the internets!  I'd put my chin up and start praying real hard, if I were you.

In God's Holy Name,

- Pastor Deacon Fred



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