Local News 2004

Subject Archive:  LOCAL FREEHOLD, IOWA NEWS (2004)

Ex-Injun to Deliver Thanksgiving Sermon
Little Chief Running Red Butt, as Landover Baptist church members still call him, was converted to Christ after four days of electro-shock treatment on the cold wet floor of his demon-deprivation chamber  in Landover's facility in North Dakota...
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Swarms of Africanized Killer Bees Invade Freehold!
Mrs. Alabaster told reporters, “My blue-eyed, blonde-haired baby, John Jr,. walked in the house, his upper body swaying side to side, with this swaggering look on his face and said something like, ‘Yo-yo-yo, ol' Lady, sis and I are splittin’ this jive...
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Did Our Baptist Pastor Speak in Tongues? Listen and Decide!
Pastor Deacon Fred was hospitalized after a troubling incident during last Sunday's sermon which involved an audibly manifested gift of the Holy Spirit, thought by intelligent Baptists to have been dormant since the close of the Apostolic Age...
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Demon Possessed Lunatic Escapes From Church Facility
Some older church members will recall that little Benjamin was shipped off to North Dakota in the Spring of '59 after being found barely alive under a burnt mattress in the smoking debris of the old Calomiris estate in East Freehold...
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For the 1,972nd Time, Jesus Forgets All About the Rapture
I bet the Lord Jesus came down to fetch us, saw our many earthly blessings and ran back up to Glory trying to cook up a way to make Heaven even nicer – worried that we wouldn’t be impressed enough when we Raptured up there and raise a ruckus the likes of which He hasn’t seen since Lucifer started that almost-successful angel coup...
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Pastor Shoots Family Dog on Christmas Morning For Chewing Head Off Baby Jesus Doll
The dog ran across the family room with baby Jesus locked in his jaws, shaking Him and growling.  "I could have sworn I heard the Baby Jesus' neck snap like a twig," said Pastor, "and that's what made me reach over to the coffee table for my gun...
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Filthy Farm Sluts Cuffed and Busted!
"We can't be held responsible for what happens in the barnyard of every hell-bound hillbilly that holes up on the fringes of our church property," Pastor Deacon Fred told federal authorities who, unbeknownst to Pastor, had apparently been monitoring a prostitution ring on the...
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