Filthy Farm Sluts Cuffed and
Baptist Farmer's Daughters Were Turning Tricks for Tithe
Freehold, Iowa - In late January, Landover Baptist Pastor, Rev.
Henry Wilkins, took a Viagra, put on his cowboy hat, and hopped on his
church motorcycle to make the annual 100-mile journey into
the remote Baptist farming communities in Southern Freehold,
Iowa. He went to collect tithe money and minister to church members.
He came home with a bottom full of lead and a hair-raising tale
of harlotry in the hay.
Church properties extend over thousands of acres of Iowa's
beautiful countryside," said Pastor Deacon Fred after
hearing Rev. Wilkins' story. "Even with 310 full time
Deacons and 37 Pastors it is still difficult to keep an eye
on what is happening in the lives of every church
Landover Baptist Church members voluntarily allow Deacons to
place mandatory closed circuit video monitoring devices in
their bedrooms, but some members who live in remote regions
of Iowa, don't have the luxury of electricity, so Pastors
and Deacons must resort to old fashioned house visits in
order to keep tabs on church members.
These visits often include a small service, prayer,
and receipt of delinquent tithes and church property taxes.
can't be held responsible for what happens in the barnyard
of every hell-bound hillbilly that holes up on the fringes of our
church property," Pastor Deacon Fred told federal
authorities who, unbeknownst to Pastor, had apparently been
monitoring a prostitution ring on the Johnson Farm for over
a year. "It's
true that Hosea Johnson’s family pays an exhorbant annual
tithe to this church," continued Pastor, "and that
is likely why we saw no need to pay them a visit but once a
year. They were Platinum
authorities informed Pastor that the Johnson family had been
operating several barns of ill repute on Church property for
nearly two years. "They've
been advertising their, "Hayloft Harlots" in the Des
Moines Register for quite some time," said one federal
officer. "How could church authorities NOT have heard
about this?" Pastor
explained that, "like our Godly President, George W.
Bush, members of the Landover Baptist Church do not
Christians™ like GW and us, have no business reading
anything but the Bible, and maybe on occasion, the Sports
Wilkins' visit to the Johnson Farm and the ensuing shoot-out
ended a 2-year federal investigation.
Just minutes after Rev. Wilkins sped off in
his underwear on the church motorcycle, federal authorities took
the entire Johnson family into custody.
This included Hosea Johnson, his three former wives,
five sons, ten daughters, a 900 LB Heifer, two sows, eight
mules, 27 featherless chickens and a satellite internet connection with two servers.
Due to the large amount of annual tithe (over $1.2 million) from the Hosea Johnson family to the Landover Baptist Church, officers would have liked to continue the investigation to see if any church officials, despite their claims of ignorance, were actually aware of the operation. However, federal authorities assured Pastor that the investigation is now officially closed.
members were informed that none of the confiscated video evidence
at the crime scene implicated Landover Baptist Church as
being involved in the prostitution ring. There were
however, statements from Farmer Hosea Johnson that his daughters (who were schooled at
the Landover Baptist Christian Academy for the Truly
Saved™) refused to open their legs for
anyone who was unsaved, and in some cases actually led their
customers to Christ outside the pig pen on film before disrobing and
engaging in what one FBI official called, "hot muddy farm
sex with all the animals watching."
“It’s true, Jesus forgives prostitutes and lets them into Heaven if they are True Christians®,” Pastor Deacon Fred told parishioners the following Sunday. “I want to say that Hosea Johnson’s Baptist farm sluts had their hearts in the right place,” he continued. “They were willing to do anything to lead the unsaved to Christ, taking folks into their haylofts, chicken coops, and horse sheds -following the Christian example of Jesus’ whoring grand-grandma, Rahab. I’m told that Old Farmer Hosea even scrubbed his girls downstairs with a can of Lysol and a wire brush to make sure they were clean from diseases. But that still doesn’t make it right with the Lord, my friends.” Pastor added that the Apostle Paul informs True Christians® in Romans 13:1 that all authority is from God, and currently, the Iowa State Legislature deems prostitution as an illegal act. “Jesus and I forgive the Johnson family, but I doubt the federal government will show much compassion,” said Pastor.