February 2006

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Pastor Hospitalized Over Panic Attack Related to Success of Brokeback Mountain!

Hollywood's Blatant Disregard For the Mental Health of Christian Americans

Freehold, Iowa - Strong willed Baptist Pastors across this Christian nation have been keeping mum regarding their concerns about the popularity of the new pro-sodomite film, "Brokeback Mountain." There is an unspoken edict among conservative religious leaders to keep silent their opinions about the film, in hopes to quell the onslaught of misguided popularity that usually follows when such things are rightly protested in the name of God.

The bottled stress from having to keep the Holy Spirit silent about this particular movie became too much for one Pastor earlier this week when Deacon Fred launched into a frenzied fit during dinner among friends at Ruth's Chris Steakhouse in downtown Freehold, Iowa. The tantrum left him hospitalized and one church member seriously injured.

After spitting out a string of obscenities unbefitting a man of God, and causing two little children at adjoining tables to cry, Pastor's last words at the height of his panic attack were, "those damned sodomites! If I ever get my hands on that patronizing little Chinaman who made this film, I'll snap him like a twig.  That little pervert won't be thinking about his Oscar nominations when he hears the words broke back anymore! So help me God!" Pastor then fainted on the spot, his body pitching itself forward across the dinner table, sending a $17 plate of burning hot asparagus into the face of Mrs. Edna Jasper who happened to be seated nearby.

After receiving treatment throughout the night by Creation Scientists at the Landover Baptist Memorial Hospital for the Saved, Pastor Deacon Fred's condition stabilized and he is now at home with his family. Creation scientists attribute his panic attack to stress related issues of having to keep silent about his opinions regarding Brokeback Mountain

Pastor informed parishioners the following Sunday that he is not going to offer any more thoughts about Brokeback Mountain, other than to say that he is seeking $11 million in damages from the film producers for the personal stress and injuries it continues to cause him and others who were seated nearby him that evening.








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