March 2004

Did Jesus Get Zits?

Dear Pastor, 

I am a freshman student at Landover Baptist Christian Academy.  I am teased all the time by the other kids because I have very bad pimples.  They call me "pizza face" and say that I've got acne because I'm a sinner.  My question is, did Jesus ever get zits, and if so, is that why people were so mean to him? 


- Jimmy


Dear Jimmy, 

Thank you for your thoughtful inquiry, which provides a wonderful opportunity to address important, yet often-overlooked historical trivia about our Savior.  Bible accounts of the life of our Personal Savior are very much like those of our National Savior, George W. Bush there are about twenty years there that are totally unaccounted for!  For our President, it is the awkward pre-adult adolescence of his 20s and 30s that have been thoughtfully expunged.  With the Lord Jesus, the missing biography is from the time he was Catholic priest bait until several years after he sprouted short, pointy hairs around the Holy genitalia of glorification. Fortunately, one of the biggest selling points about being a conservative Christian is that a silence in the Bible is an invitation by God to start making things up!  So, I am sure that if the Bible were more forthcoming about Jesus' "lost years," it would tell us that before Jesus learned to use white magic to make rotting dead bodies talk and dance for the amusement of crowds, that  He, Himself was positively smothered in festering whiteheads throughout his puber-teens.  And yes, it partly was for this reason that our Lord was an outcast in His day - not unlike a lazy-eyed A/V club four-eyed leper assigned a homeroom seat smack dab in the middle of a clique of top-tier hard-bodied populars.   

Yet Jimmy, you should know that later in life, Jesus turned His dermatological affliction into a strength - using His cystic pustules as a mighty shield with which He repelled the cheap, open-legged Jewesses who stalked Him tirelessly, feverishly intent on running their greedy fingers through His long, Judean-mullet, which was luxuriously conditioned by scores of folks' body oil, as the Lord used his thick, absorbent mane to towel-off the feet of strangers he washed.  And that is why today, Jesus and His daddy reserve the gift of acne specifically for the chosen - as a means to help safeguard purity.  So to you I say, "Rejoice Jimmy, and revel in thy pimply good fortune!"  

Revelation tells us that Jesus' hair is like wool and that his skin is bronze.  Before you become too alarmed by this description, remember that the Lord came to Earth to suffer for our sins and what better way can one suffer than to be mistaken for one of those Negro-type people?  The point I am getting at is that Jesus was created in the image of someone in the Middle East.  In other words, he must have been pretty (and pardon the French here) "damned ugly!." So, what difference is a colony of pimples going to make?  

Now, as regards the term "pizza face" - I must inform you that the mere utterance of a reference to Catholic cuisine is an insult to the entire student body of Landover Academy.  It is a well-known fact that Mary Worshiping priests take time away from their catamites long enough to consecrate pizza pies, allowing deranged Catholics to engorge themselves on the flesh of our Savior by the slice. For the record, the hallowed halls of our fully self-accredited institution have never been sullied by the likes of these slick Italians.  So the next time you're accosted with that slur, sternly inform your tormenters that Pastor himself insists that henceforth, they address you with exclusively American food metaphors, such as "peach cobbler face" or "creamed corn face."  

I trust this addresses your question, and your problem is now solved.    

Yours in Christ,  

- Pastor





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