Did Jesus Get Zits?
I am a freshman student at Landover Baptist Christian Academy. I am teased all the time by the other kids because I have very bad pimples. They call me "pizza face" and say that I've got acne because I'm a sinner. My question is, did Jesus ever get zits, and if so, is that why people were so mean to him?
Thank you for your
thoughtful inquiry, which provides a wonderful opportunity
to address important, yet often-overlooked historical trivia
about our Savior. Bible accounts of the life of our
Personal Savior are very much like those of our National
Savior, George W. Bush – there are about twenty years
there that are totally unaccounted for! For our
President, it is the awkward pre-adult adolescence of his
20s and 30s that have been thoughtfully expunged.
With the Lord Jesus, the missing biography is from the time he
was Catholic priest bait until several years after he
sprouted short, pointy hairs around the Holy genitalia of
Fortunately, one of the biggest selling points about being a
conservative Christian is that a silence in the Bible is an
invitation by God to start making things up!
So, I am sure that if the Bible were more forthcoming
about Jesus' "lost years," it would tell us
that before Jesus learned to use white magic to make rotting dead
bodies talk and dance for the amusement of crowds,
Himself was positively smothered in festering whiteheads
throughout his puber-teens. And yes, it partly was for
this reason that our Lord was an outcast in His day - not
unlike a lazy-eyed A/V club four-eyed leper assigned a homeroom seat
smack dab in the middle of a clique of top-tier hard-bodied
Yet Jimmy, you should
know that later in life, Jesus turned His dermatological
affliction into a strength - using His cystic pustules as a
mighty shield with which He repelled the cheap, open-legged
Jewesses who stalked Him tirelessly, feverishly intent on
running their greedy fingers through His long,
Judean-mullet, which was luxuriously conditioned by scores
of folks' body oil, as the Lord used his thick, absorbent
mane to towel-off the feet of strangers he washed.
And that is why today, Jesus and His daddy reserve
the gift of acne specifically for the chosen - as a means to
help safeguard purity. So to you I say, "Rejoice
Jimmy, and revel in thy pimply good fortune!"
Revelation tells us
that Jesus' hair is like wool and that his skin is bronze.
Before you become too alarmed by this description,
remember that the Lord came to Earth to suffer for our sins
– and what better way can one suffer than to be mistaken
for one of those Negro-type people?
The point I am getting at is that Jesus was created
in the image of someone in the Middle East.
In other words, he must have been pretty (and pardon
the French here) "damned ugly!." So,
what difference is a colony of pimples going to make?
Now, as regards the
term "pizza face" - I must inform you that the
mere utterance of a reference to Catholic cuisine is an
insult to the entire student body of Landover Academy.
It is a well-known fact that Mary Worshiping priests take
time away from their catamites
long enough to consecrate
pizza pies, allowing deranged Catholics to engorge
themselves on the flesh of our Savior by the slice. For the
record, the hallowed halls of our fully self-accredited
institution have never been sullied by the likes of these
slick Italians. So the next time you're accosted with that
slur, sternly inform your tormenters that Pastor himself
insists that henceforth, they address you with exclusively American
food metaphors, such as "peach cobbler face" or
"creamed corn face."
I trust this
addresses your question, and your problem is now solved.
Yours in Christ,
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