April 2007

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Why Does God Hate Trailer Trash?

Deer Pasture,

Me and my momma useta live in Pine Glen Luxury Mobile Home Park. We had us a reel nice singul-wide with a sattulite TV dish and a inflasion swimming pule and us and all are naybors wuz real happy and everything. But last month we wuz sleeping and a giunt tornaydo come in the middle of the nite & smasheded up all are traylurs and sucked my momma right out of bed and smacked up gainst are propane tank . And my bestest frend Danielynn got throwed into a crick before a trackter landed on top of her. I herd that traylers get recked by tornaydos all the time, so im just wondering for how come the Lord hates are guts so dang much. 

- Brianna

Dear Brianna,

As Noah's arkless neighbors discovered long ago, somewhat inclement weather is a sign of the Lord’s peevishness. Indeed, tornadoes have long been referred to by True Christians™ as “the twirling fingers of the Lord,” which He uses to poke and scratch at scabs and obliterate things that displease Him. Among those things, quite clearly, are trailer parks – which the Lord delights in effortlessly flicking into a blizzard of cheap plywood toothpicks and flying corduroy recliners into the sky whenever the mood strikes Him. 

But why, with all the sinning going on in the world by crazy Muslims and other folks who worship cats and livestock, does the Lord have such particular, seasonal animosity towards Christians who dwell in mobile homes, you wonder? 

Scripture, as always, provides the answer. For Jesus was rather specific in His preferred choice of home construction. "And the rain descended, and the floods came, and the winds blew, and beat upon that house; and it fell not: for it was founded upon a rock." Matt. 7:25 

What Jesus is saying is that only stupid, cheap, trashy people build their houses on a set of rubber wheels or some stolen cinderblocks -- and that He wants nothing to do with them.. The type of people He loves has substantial residences built on solid rock foundations. In other words, not you.

As anyone who enjoys attributing bromides to the Bible will tell you, “God helps those who help themselves.” Since most trailers in the United States are bought by FEMA, they are the shelter of last resort for the poor, lazy and waterlogged. If these folks knew anything about helping themselves, they wouldn't need a FEMA trailer in the first place. So even if Jesus saw fit to Hoover your mother up from her disintegrating linoleum as she knelt in prayer to Him, or violently hurl elderly Medicare leeches into the highest branches of towering spruce trees and cell phone towers, it is not ours to question why! Perhaps if residents of your community had shown enough drive and perseverance in life, they could have taken up residence on a God-approved cul de sac of two-story fieldstone colonials with solid rock foundations. And then everyone would still be alive today. Ever wonder what the folks in Sodom and Gomorrah were living in? According to Creation Science Archeologists it was, of course, trailers! So, it sounds like you folks got off rather lightly with just a patch of bad weather. I suggest you stop your whining, as Jesus hates that even more. 

-Pastor Deacon Fred




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