May 2007

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Did I Once Swim Out of My Daddy's Privates?

Dear Pastor,

You told us at cherch that babies is a gift from God that gets dropped off by a big white burd. But at sickular school, my science teecher sed that before we’s babies, we’s teeny-tiny tadpoles that live in are daddys private parts, and that we get shotted out his pee hole and does laps inside are mommys virginus. Is that true, and if it is, does that mean i should try out for varsity swim team?

Your Pal,

- Frankie Simmons 

Dear Frankie,

Thank you for your thoughtful question. And let me tell you, it doesn’t surprise me to hear that your secular school teacher is a shameless denier of the Intelligent Avian Delivery theory. Leave it to a crazy evolutionist to suggest that children – who simply appear one day as plump, pink wholes – were ever anything else. 

As fundamentalist Christians, we are steadfast in our centuries-old, Bible-based beliefs – despite what any so-called “science” says. We know that earth is the center of the world. We know that mice are created by placing a sweaty shirt in a barrel of grain. And yes, we know that babies poof into being when the Good Lord presses seven pounds of manburger into a baby-shaped mold. 

After all, everyone knows that babies are created in God’s image – so if your teacher’s idiotic theory were true, that would mean that God himself had once been a tadpole swimming in his momma’s tummy. Except that THERE IS NO MOTHER OF GOD! And if there were, I somehow missed it, cause it ain’t in my Bible anywhere! A-men?

As a Christian youth, you are justified in taking whatever means necessary to escape from that awful public school - whether that means cutting class, damning your teacher to Hell, or conducting a mass book burning in the library. And once you’re expelled, it shouldn’t be hard to convince your parents to take out the third mortgage they’ll need to cover your tuition at Landover Baptist Academy. 

In Christ Jesus,

- Pastor Deacon Fred




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