August 2006

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The Lord placed two types of people on this, His only planet that matters: (1) Those who critically analyze and evaluate all available information, making decisions, including those involving their belief systems, based on thought, facts and reason; and (2) Folks who have been blessedly spared such tedium -- fundamentalist Christians. Find out what God and Jesus (and those they authorized to speak for them) thought about the nosy, anal-retentive folks who fall into the former category by taking this quiz. Click here or below for answers.

1. How does Jesus feel about science?

A. Jesus is silent on the subject, for science is a wordly thing and the  New Testament focuses on spirituality.
B. Science is silly, vain and profane, and is at odds with Christianity.
C. Jesus expressly acknowledged that science and the Bible go hand in hand, for science reveals God’s masterful work in the universe -- and since the Bible is without error, there is nothing to be feared from investigation of natural phenomena.
D. Scientists are considered the holiest of men, for they seek to understand God's design.

2. President Bush regularly declares that "Democracy is on the March in the Middle East." If reality appears otherwise, is it because the Lord is trying to make Mr. Bush look like a shameless liar?

A. Probably. Democracy stands for rule by the people and encourages citizens to think for themselves, become educated about policy and use their intelligence to determine the fate of their country. The Lord loathes such nonsense and doesn’t believe the people are capable of governing themselves. In fact, God has killed those who insisted on self-rule.
B. No. The Lord is guardedly optimistic about allowing countries full of Koran-quoting Muslims to vote -- just as long as they use their majority rule to elect Christian governments. Otherwise, of course, they will have to be annihilated.
C. No. One of the central tenets of the Salvation is that each man has the right to choose, by exercising his free will, his destiny. This fundamental precept would apply to each man's civil responsibilities, too. Therefore, the Lord would be a great proponent of democracy.
D. No. When God inspired the Greeks to invent democracy (probably as a way of making up for the invention of sodomy), He then deemed that all men should follow the democratic rule of law because it is fair, and the Lord is always fair.

3. What is Jesus’ opinion of smart people?

A.Jesus respects those who gain as much knowledge as they can.
B. Wise men are foolish.
C. Philosophers are spoiled.
D. B and C.

4. What is the Lord’s opinion of those who, after critical analysis, opt for a belief structure other than Christianity?

A. They are all anti-Christs!
B. They are evil and will be destroyed by God.
C. They are people you shouldn’t associate with – don’t even invite them into your home.
D. All of the above.

5. Which of the following happened to those in the Bible who had the audacity to seek knowledge?

A. Trick question. God wants us all to gain an accurate and complete understanding of Him.
B. They were scattered around the Earth so they could never achieve what their minds imagined.
C. They and all their descendants were condemned for eternity.
D. B and C.

6. What does the New Testament say about book burning?

A. Book burning was a precursor to the spread of Christianity, it helped the word of God grow mightily and prevail.
B. Trick question. The Bible is silent on book burning because the Good Lord does not believe ideas must be suppressed in order to bring people to God.
C. While the Bible doesn’t mention it, Jesus condemned all forms of destruction which would include book burning.
D. B and C only.

7. What literary interpretative skills does the Lord call upon his followers to utilize in reading the Holy Bible?

A. To seek inspiration from the Holy Spirit to gain understanding of how to read particular passages, in particular how to augment scripture for greater understanding and consistency with God's overall plan for us
B. To read the Bible as a whole to come to a better understanding of which specific passages may no longer be pertinent due to changes in culture, customs, the Old Testament covenant, or the passing of time.
C. Both A and B.
D. To mind your own business and read what is written for if you either elaborate or redact, you will be visited with plagues and damnation.

8. How does the Bible define “wisdom”?

A. Wisdom means knowing what is right and wrong.
B. Wisdom means finding solace in the Bible’s comforting words.
C. Wisdom means being afraid of God.
D.Wisdom means good judgment.

9. Does being a wise man excuse one from following the Bible’s edicts?

A. Yes. A wise man will know enough Scripture to avail himself of all the many loopholes.
B. Yes, but only from the verses allowing just one wife and requiring fidelity.
C. Of course, not. All men are obliged to follow the whole Bible.
D. No. In fact, God expects more compliance from those who are wise because it is easier for them to understand and follow His Word.

10. More than a decade of college, medical school and hospital residency still does not enable human doctors to cure all illness. With all the knowledge in the universe, what were God's far more effective tips for healing the sick?

A. Prayer and anointing with oil by church officials.
B. Exorcism. A disciple’s apron, or even his shadow, should do the trick.
C. Stepping into a pool of water that an angel has stirred up.
D. All of the above.





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