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Baptist Boy Attempts to Plug Himself Into The Matrix by Inserting His Penis Into a Lamp Socket!

The Dangers of Science Fiction

Freehold, Iowa - A Pastor's grandson is critical condition at Landover Baptist Memorial Hospital with a burnt penis and multiple puncture wounds about his body. "I always worried that the homosexuals who run Hollywood would come after my grandsonís little hoochie, but I never thought it would happen quite like this," said Pastor Wilkins. "I want one of them sissy Jews out there in California to step up and take responsibility for what they did to my grandsonís willy! And I want a formal apology in writing from the two Pollock directors who created the film that caused this mess in the first place!"

Pastor Wilkins related earlier this week that he discovered his 14-year-old grandson, Geoffrey, took advantage of the fact that the rest of his family was deep in prayer to sneak out of the living room unnoticed in order to run off and see the new Matrix movie.  Pastor said that the Holy Spirit was so infuriated when He learned what Geoffrey did, that a powerful conviction overcame him. "I was so possessed with Godly rage over what my grandson had done to smear the name of Jesus that I ran to my tool shed and grabbed the Black and Decker power drill and a handful of extension cords right off the wall," said Wilkins. "Thatís the last thing I remember besides little Geoffrey screaming, 'No Grandpa! Please - No! Don't plug me into the Matrix!'

When ambulances arrived a few hours later after the drivers had finished Bible study, they found Geoffrey on the front lawn unclothed, unconscious, and his body  covered with more punctures than a Palm Beach ballot. "There was smoke pouring out of his hiney and his little penis was burnt to a smoldering crisp," reported Baptist paramedic, Hank Farmer. "There were also frayed electric cords that appeared to have been hastily crammed into the young man like an electric enema." Paramedics found Pastor Wilkins inside the house, sitting on his toilet reading the Bible and smoking a Tiparillo . 

"I told that boy that if he wants to worship a bunch of robots on a silver screen in sunglasses on Sunday instead of Jesus, then he'd better watch his step," said Pastor Wilkins.  "The Holy Ghost must have been mighty angry at little Geoffrey or none of this would have happened.  Geoffrey knew when he saw me with all those buzzing and sparking orange cords, that I hadnít showed up for any of our usual harmless Catholic priest and altar boy educational bonding tomfoolery." 

Wilkins reported that he and his wife became suspicious earlier in the week after Geoffrey started to ask them if he could see the new Matrix Revolutions movie. "It bothered us terribly, since the boy knew full well that True Christiansô are not to visit picture houses, ever!" said Mrs. Wilkins. ďEspecially for troublemaking communist propaganda about revolutions!Ē The concerned couple searched Geoffrey's room for signs of occult activity and found dozens of science fiction videos and comic books, and Magic occult trading cards. "We even found a stash of his old Pokemon pocket demons he tried to hide under his mattress along with a naughty National Geographic magazine and a Ziploc baggy full of grass clippings," said Pastor. "From the salty taste of the crud on his bed sheets I  knew right away that I was sitting at the very heart of the hormonally frenzied vortex of teenage sexuality.  I kept imagining Ė over and over again Ė my handsome grandson, naked, trembling and giving in to the wicked, sweaty sins of the flesh." Pastor and his wife, gathered all of the questionable (non-Christian) paraphernalia they found in Geoffrey's room and set fire to it in their back yard.

For the entire week after God's fiery purge of Geoffrey's occult activity, the boy never spoke a word to his grandparents. "The Devil had that boy like a fish on a string - slowly reeling him into the theatre to see the new Matrix film," said Wilkins. "I guess the Holy Spirit knew how bad that boy wanted to escape Christian reality and get hooked up to the Matrix. My prayer is that if little Geoffrey ever recovers from his wounds, that the little sissy will be signing up for the football team rather than wasting his time all day up in his room, reading silly science fiction books and beat smackin' his ding dong to photos of saggy breasted Negro women with giant metal rings on their necks! Geoffrey Wilkins remains at Landover Baptist Memorial Hospital in critical condition.

The Landover Board of Deacons held an emergency meeting last Tuesday to discuss the final installment of the unholy Matrix trilogy which was directly responsible for  what happened to Pastor's son. "We learned that when Satan reloaded the Matrix in the second installment of the series, that these movies are trying to brainwash unsaved people by using high tech visual effects, state of the art robotics, fancy sunglasses, and subliminal anti-Christian propaganda," said Brother Harry Hardwick. "At their very heart, the goal of these sneaky films is to induce Americans into thinking that even non-Baptist faiths are entitled to respect - and that the Lord Jesus is just one of many different ways to Glory," he continued. "Well, I have news for those Catholic, Muslim and tree-humping Wiccan knuckleheads, my friends. Jesus is not Heavenís Welcome Wagon; Jesus is Heavenís bouncer! And one sharp slap across your foolish face and a swift kick in the butt with one of the Lord's Buick-size feet and you will know you have been rebuked by the Lamb and on your way to join the big, sloppy soup of non-Bible believing garbage in Hell. And my friends, after what just happened to Pastor Wilkins' grandson, I feel very strongly in finding out that I was sexually violated during a period of 'lost time' when I blacked out during the second film (leading to the Christian persecution of a misdemeanor citation I might add), that we should take it upon ourselves to destroy any reels, videos, DVD's, comic books, or in fact anything related to this film, and its predecessors.  In fact, just out of an abundance of caution, Iím all for trashing the entire body of work of Mr. Keanu Reeves, although some might argue that he beat me to it."

The Wilkins incident, coupled with Brother Harry's unpleasantly intrusive arraignment hearing over the aforementioned and regrettable blackout during a viewing of the second Matrix film led the Landover Baptist Board of Deacons to issue a statement whereby anything related to The Matrix movie trilogy should immediately be destroyed. Church members have been given authority to enter public businesses and seize and burn any and all items related to the films. A bail fund of over $250,000 has been established by Major Donors and Platinum Tithers to assist Church members in carrying out the Lord's will unfettered by the burden of secular legalities. In addition, since Hollywood is refusing to take responsibility for what they made the Holy Ghost make Pastor Wilkins do to his grandson, a fund has been established for church members who want to help with Geoffrey's medical expenses in reconstructing his male member to its sweet glory, as fondly recalled by his doting grandfather.





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