Baptist Boy Attempts to Plug Himself Into
by Inserting His Penis Into a Lamp Socket!
Freehold, Iowa - A Pastor's grandson is critical condition at Landover Baptist Memorial Hospital with a burnt penis and multiple puncture wounds about his body. "I always worried that the homosexuals who run Hollywood would come after my grandsonís little hoochie, but I never thought it would happen quite like this," said Pastor Wilkins. "I want one of them sissy Jews out there in California to step up and take responsibility for what they did to my grandsonís willy! And I want a formal apology in writing from the two Pollock directors who created the film that caused this mess in the first place!"
Wilkins related earlier this week that he
discovered his 14-year-old grandson, Geoffrey, took
advantage of the fact that the rest of his family was deep
in prayer to sneak out of the living room unnoticed in
order to run off and see the new Matrix movie.
Pastor said that the Holy Spirit was so infuriated when He
learned what Geoffrey did, that a powerful conviction overcame him. "I was so
possessed with Godly rage over what my grandson had done to
smear the name of Jesus that I ran to my tool shed and
grabbed the Black and Decker power drill and a handful of
extension cords right off the wall," said Wilkins.
"Thatís the last thing I remember besides little
Geoffrey screaming, 'No Grandpa! Please - No! Don't plug
me into the Matrix!'"
When ambulances arrived a few hours later after the
drivers had finished Bible study, they found Geoffrey on the
front lawn unclothed, unconscious, and his body
covered with more punctures than a Palm Beach ballot.
"There was smoke pouring out of his hiney and his
little penis was burnt to a smoldering crisp,"
reported Baptist paramedic, Hank Farmer. "There were
also frayed electric cords that appeared to have been
hastily crammed into the young man like an electric
enema." Paramedics found Pastor Wilkins inside the
house, sitting on his toilet reading the Bible and smoking a
"I told that boy that if he wants to worship a bunch of robots on a silver screen in sunglasses on Sunday instead of Jesus, then he'd better watch his step," said Pastor Wilkins. "The Holy Ghost must have been mighty angry at little Geoffrey or none of this would have happened. Geoffrey knew when he saw me with all those buzzing and sparking orange cords, that I hadnít showed up for any of our usual harmless Catholic priest and altar boy educational bonding tomfoolery."
Wilkins reported that he and his wife became
suspicious earlier in the week after Geoffrey started to ask
them if he could see the new Matrix Revolutions
movie. "It bothered us terribly, since the boy knew
full well that True Christiansô are not to visit picture
houses, ever!" said Mrs. Wilkins. ďEspecially
for troublemaking communist propaganda about revolutions!Ē
The concerned couple searched Geoffrey's room for signs of occult
activity and found dozens of science fiction videos and comic books, and
Magic occult trading cards. "We even found a stash of
his old Pokemon pocket demons he tried to hide
under his mattress along with a naughty National Geographic magazine
and a Ziploc baggy full of grass clippings," said Pastor.
"From the salty taste of the crud on his bed
sheets I knew
right away that I was sitting at the very heart of the
hormonally frenzied vortex of teenage sexuality.
I kept imagining Ė over and over again Ė my
handsome grandson, naked, trembling and giving in to the
wicked, sweaty sins of the flesh." Pastor and his wife,
gathered all of the questionable
(non-Christian) paraphernalia they found in
Geoffrey's room and set fire to it in their back yard.
For the entire week after God's fiery purge of Geoffrey's
occult activity, the boy never spoke a word to his
grandparents. "The Devil had that boy like a fish on a
string - slowly reeling him into the theatre to see the new
Matrix film," said Wilkins. "I guess the Holy
Spirit knew how bad that boy wanted to escape Christian
reality and get hooked up to the Matrix. My prayer is that
if little Geoffrey ever recovers from his wounds, that the
will be signing up for the football team rather than wasting
his time all day up in his room, reading silly science
fiction books and beat smackin' his ding dong to photos of
saggy breasted Negro women with giant metal rings on their
necks! Geoffrey Wilkins remains at Landover Baptist Memorial
Hospital in critical condition.
Landover Board of Deacons held an emergency meeting last
Tuesday to discuss the final installment of the unholy
Matrix trilogy which was directly responsible for
what happened to Pastor's son. "We learned that
reloaded the Matrix in the second installment of the
series, that these movies are trying to brainwash unsaved
people by using high tech visual effects, state of the art
robotics, fancy sunglasses, and subliminal anti-Christian
propaganda," said Brother Harry Hardwick. "At
their very heart, the goal of these sneaky films is to
induce Americans into thinking that even non-Baptist faiths
are entitled to respect - and that the Lord Jesus is just
one of many different ways to Glory," he continued.
"Well, I have news for those Catholic, Muslim and
tree-humping Wiccan knuckleheads, my friends. Jesus is not
Heavenís Welcome Wagon; Jesus is Heavenís bouncer!
And one sharp slap across your foolish face and a swift kick
in the butt with one of the Lord's Buick-size feet and you
will know you have been rebuked by the Lamb and on your way
to join the big, sloppy soup of non-Bible believing garbage
in Hell. And my friends, after what just happened to Pastor
Wilkins' grandson, I feel very strongly in finding out that
I was sexually violated during a period of 'lost time' when
I blacked out during the second film (leading to the
Christian persecution of a misdemeanor citation I might
add), that we should take it upon ourselves to destroy any
reels, videos, DVD's, comic books, or in fact anything
related to this film, and its predecessors.
In fact, just out of an abundance of caution, Iím
all for trashing the entire body of work of Mr. Keanu
Reeves, although some might argue that he beat me to
The Wilkins incident, coupled with Brother Harry's unpleasantly intrusive arraignment hearing over the aforementioned and regrettable blackout during a viewing of the second Matrix film led the Landover Baptist Board of Deacons to issue a statement whereby anything related to The Matrix movie trilogy should immediately be destroyed. Church members have been given authority to enter public businesses and seize and burn any and all items related to the films. A bail fund of over $250,000 has been established by Major Donors and Platinum Tithers to assist Church members in carrying out the Lord's will unfettered by the burden of secular legalities. In addition, since Hollywood is refusing to take responsibility for what they made the Holy Ghost make Pastor Wilkins do to his grandson, a fund has been established for church members who want to help with Geoffrey's medical expenses in reconstructing his male member to its sweet glory, as fondly recalled by his doting grandfather.
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