MOVIEGOERS, PREPARE TO BE DISAPPOINTED!:
The "Return of the King" is NOT About Jesus!
Landover Multiplex Burned to the Ground After Return of the King Preview!
Iowa - Last Thursday, a Christian mole at New Line
Cinema pocketed a videocassette of the upcoming movie, The
Return of the King. He secretly boarded one of Sister
Betty Bowers' private ministry Gulfstream V jets at LAX,
and three-and-a-half hours later, delivered the tape to
Pastor Deacon Fred, who was waiting in the Platinum
Level Tither Lounge at Landover’s private five-gate terminal, eager to see such a
lavish depiction of the King of King’s Second Coming.
Pastor immediately scheduled a showing of the movie
for 537 deacons and their families at Landover’s new
state-of-the-art Christian Multiplex Theater.
By 7 p.m., approximately 2,200 of Landover
Baptist’s most privileged church members were seated and
anxiously awaiting what they thought would be a Technicolor
showcase for their favorite superhero, Jesus. Three hours into the movie, after patiently waiting for
a 300-foot Jesus to descend from the clouds and begin
dismembering and Kung-Fu kicking the living hell out of
unsaved people, the shocking truth that the devout audience
had been hoodwinked into watching pagan, Christ-hating
propaganda was finally revealed.
By 11:30 p.m., all that remained of the enormous
Christian theater complex were a few blackened porcelain
commodes, many still overflowing with the bilious pop-corn
vomit of disgusted patrons, and a charred velvet usher’s
jacket, which still contained most of a right arm clutching
a handful of half-torn tickets.
Pastor Deacon Fred had originally
inserted a Baptist mole into the offices of New Line Cinema
after the Board of Deacons learned that Hollywood was
finally creating a movie based on the Book of Revelation.
“While the title sounded convincing, since Jesus is
the King of Man, we still feared that the homosexual Jews
who run Hollywood might be using their trickery to coax
Christians into witnessing blasphemous filth. Most of us
remember very clearly our revulsion back in 1972 when we
went to the screening of that Larry Flynt fellow’s “The
Second Coming.” There are so many great Christian movies
coming out lately, like The Gospel of John, and even
that damned Mary
Worshiper Mel Gibson’s The
Passion, we just assumed this was another one,” he
announced at a press conference. “Boy, were we ever wrong!
Them Jews really pulled a fast one on us with this
Bush should make it illegal to use the words,
‘King,’ and ‘Return,’ in the same sentence, unless
someone is referring to Jesus Christ. I have to say, it is
just out-and-out blasphemy for mortal men to call themselves
talking about that hillbilly junkie.
No, not Rush Limbaugh – Elvis. No
one ought to be calling themselves “King” except Jesus.
That includes that colored Martin Luther fellow and his
damned white-guilt holiday we all have to pretend to
celebrate just so those lazy good-for-nothings at the bank
can take a day off of cashing vital tithe checks.
And especially that anorexic pedophile at Neverland
Ranch. But what
would you expect from a country that calls that liberal shrew,
Barbra Streisand, a saint? I tell you, we even watched
about a dozen trailers for this film and we were absolutely
convinced it was
a movie about Jesus’ glorious return to Earth to torture
and slaughter those who never accepted Him as their personal
Savior, just as described in the Book of Revelation.
The trailers even showed thousands upon thousands of
people being slaughtered by soldiers, gruesome creatures,
fires and earthquakes, just as described in the Bible.
We here at Landover Baptist just felt like we simply
had to be the first Christians to see this movie,
just as we will be the first, and perhaps only,
Christians to see Jesus.”
Church members were enthralled by the bloodshed and gruesome violence that dominated the first three hours of the film. “The special effects made us think we were really witnessing the Second Coming,” observed Brother Harry Hardwick, who sat near the front of the theater and continuously compared the action to the passages of Revelation in his pocket KJV. “The Good Lord’s final Book of the Bible says God will kill a quarter of the Earth with the sword, starvation and beasts (Revelation 6:8), a third of the planet by using four angels with an army of 200 million soldiers (Revelation 9:15-19), 7,000 sinners with an earthquake (Revelation 11:13) and the rest with fire and brimstone (Revelation 14:10-11; 18:8). The brimstone is so that the last aroma the sinners will sniff before having their heads ripped off by Jesus will be like sitting downwind of an Irish barfly’s pickled-egg farts. The movie appeared reasonably accurate early on. God, still with his long white hair and flowing beard, was depicted as a character named Sauron, who was directing the killing himself, just as the Bible says the Father will when His Son returns. He even took the form of an all-seeing eye, which is how the Lord appears on the back of dollar bills. He is always calling back in His name! So He could control the killing from above. I think I speak for everyone in saying we felt like the Christians described in Revelation who, as John told us, will watch the slaughter with delight (Revelation 6:10-11), so happy to see non-Christians being annihilated that “we will rejoice over [the dead bodies] and make merry, and shall send gifts to one another” (Revelation 11:8-10). I’ll tell you, the mood of our church leaders hadn't been that high since our first Harry Potter book burning.
However, certain historical inaccuracies in The Return of
the King began to give Brother Harry pause halfway
through the film. “Revelation
makes clear that Jesus will appear with a sword sticking out
of his mouth (Revelation
2:16) and will kill all the children of Jezebel (Revelation
2:23), including Chelsea Clinton.
Yet, none of the characters held their sword in such
a manner. The
Bible also makes clear that, before all the killing occurs,
God will send horse-like locusts with human heads, women’s
hair, lions’ teeth and scorpion tails to sting people for
five months (Revelation 9:7-10).
Granted, a certain amount of editorial license comes
with making a movie, but while there were creatures in the
film, the killing started immediately, before any torture,
which was very disappointing. As any True Christian knows, a
Second Coming without a prolonged prelude of torture would
hardly be worth all the effort. After all, the dead can’t
see you rejoice over their fate or hear you mock them for
not tithing to your church while they still had the chance.
And anyone who has read the New
Testament knows that if there is one thing God enjoys
doing even more than blowing His holy top, it is torturing
people. He’s invested an enormous amount of His time
constructing the most incredible torture device ever
called Hell – and He has perfected His ability to burn
the skin off of human bodies over and over again while
making it always feel like the first time, for all of
What caused Brother Harry the most
concern, however, was an apparent subtext involving midgets
and dwarfs working for Satan.
“Needless to say, Jews don’t come right out and
say they are making a movie to glorify Satan, just as
the most any Catholic will divulge, before the 12th pint
of Guinness, is that they never knew anybody but Mary lived
in Heaven. The
crafty unsaved conceal
their intentions through sneaky symbolism and the renaming
of things, much as they did before they took over the world’s
financial institutions and caused the Great Depression, for which there was no Prozac.
You see, the Jews are very covert; a lot of them
write the name God in code as “G_d” to try to trick
course, someone should tell them it doesn’t take an Enigma
machine to decode their secret messages. Whereas ‘God’
had been renamed ‘Sauron,’ the golden crucifix was
replaced by a gold ring – and since everything
about Hobbits is really small, I have to wonder exactly
which appendage this ring is intended for!
The demon-possessed midgets, who knew they would
never be welcomed by God because of their disgusting
physical abnormalities (Leviticus
22:17-21), were attempting to destroy God and Jesus by
hurling the crucifix/gold ring into the pits of Hell.
We, of course, assumed these devils would be caught
and violently killed, but after nearly four hours, they
the Lord Jesus incinerated like yesterday’s rubbish is not
an image any True Christian will soon forget.
Clearly, the Jews are still sore about what
Christians did to them in Germany back in the '30's and
but I, for one, have just about had it with all that
rudeness by people, not famed for their charm, is hardly
reason to go and make a moving picture where God is
and Satan is the leading man!”
To see the Lord’s torturing of humans
stopped short by the wily Devil was
more than Landover Baptist church members could bear.
“Hellywood had duped us again,” reported Mrs.
Ona Mae Moffit, who extinguished an unfiltered Camel in
the palm of her hand to show her love for Jesus. “Most of the time, we all carry tomatoes to these
previews so we can bloody up the screen with our
none of us brought none this time 'cause we thought this
was a Christian
to hurl at the screen, church members instinctively reached
for their guns, firing volley after volley until the screen
was in shreds. Then two elder deacons, whose rifles were equipped with
modern flamethrowers, torched the wall separating the
theater from the lobby, instantly igniting a forty-gallon
drum of tropical oil next to the popcorn machine, creating a
fireball that enveloped the concession area.
Fortunately, all members of the audience were safely
evacuated, with only minor injuries reported, before the
complex was razed, and fatalities were limited to 24
blue-collar theater employees.
“Henceforth, the Board will review all
films before permitting any church members to see them,”
concluded Deacon Fred.
“This complex cost over five million dollars, and
its destruction means next year’s tithe on those earning
less than $50,000 annually must be increased to 18.5
percent. Clearly, the audience’s understandable reaction to this
filth was an act of God, and acts of God aren’t covered
under our Lloyds’ policy.”
Copyright 1998-2007, Americhrist Ltd. All rights reserved. Terms of Service
The Landover Baptist website is not intended to be viewed by anyone under 18