Movie Review

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The "Return of the King" is NOT About Jesus!

Landover Multiplex Burned to the Ground After Return of the King Preview!

Freehold, Iowa -  Last Thursday, a Christian mole at New Line Cinema pocketed a videocassette of the upcoming movie, The Return of the King. He secretly boarded one of Sister Betty Bowers' private ministry Gulfstream V jets at LAX, and three-and-a-half hours later, delivered the tape to Pastor Deacon Fred, who was waiting in the Platinum Level Tither Lounge at Landover’s private five-gate terminal, eager to see such a lavish depiction of the King of King’s Second Coming.  Pastor immediately scheduled a showing of the movie for 537 deacons and their families at Landover’s new state-of-the-art Christian Multiplex Theater.  By 7 p.m., approximately 2,200 of Landover Baptist’s most privileged church members were seated and anxiously awaiting what they thought would be a Technicolor showcase for their favorite superhero, Jesus.   Three hours into the movie, after patiently waiting for a 300-foot Jesus to descend from the clouds and begin dismembering and Kung-Fu kicking the living hell out of unsaved people, the shocking truth that the devout audience had been hoodwinked into watching pagan, Christ-hating propaganda was finally revealed.  By 11:30 p.m., all that remained of the enormous Christian theater complex were a few blackened porcelain commodes, many still overflowing with the bilious pop-corn vomit of disgusted patrons, and a charred velvet usher’s jacket, which still contained most of a right arm clutching a handful of half-torn tickets.

Pastor Deacon Fred had originally inserted a Baptist mole into the offices of New Line Cinema after the Board of Deacons learned that Hollywood was finally creating a movie based on the Book of Revelation.  “While the title sounded convincing, since Jesus is the King of Man, we still feared that the homosexual Jews who run Hollywood might be using their trickery to coax Christians into witnessing blasphemous filth. Most of us remember very clearly our revulsion back in 1972 when we went to the screening of that Larry Flynt fellow’s “The Second Coming.” There are so many great Christian movies coming out lately, like The Gospel of John, and even that damned Mary Worshiper Mel Gibson’s The Passion, we just assumed this was another one,” he announced at a press conference. “Boy, were we ever wrong!  Them Jews really pulled a fast one on us with this one.  George Bush should make it illegal to use the words, ‘King,’ and ‘Return,’ in the same sentence, unless someone is referring to Jesus Christ. I have to say, it is just out-and-out blasphemy for mortal men to call themselves King.  I’m talking about that hillbilly junkie.  No, not Rush Limbaugh – Elvis.  No one ought to be calling themselves “King” except Jesus. That includes that colored Martin Luther fellow and his damned white-guilt holiday we all have to pretend to celebrate just so those lazy good-for-nothings at the bank can take a day off of cashing vital tithe checks.  And especially that anorexic pedophile at Neverland Ranch.  But what would you expect from a country that calls that liberal shrew, Barbra Streisand, a saint?  I tell you, we even watched about a dozen trailers for this film and we were absolutely convinced it was a movie about Jesus’ glorious return to Earth to torture and slaughter those who never accepted Him as their personal Savior, just as described in the Book of Revelation.  The trailers even showed thousands upon thousands of people being slaughtered by soldiers, gruesome creatures, fires and earthquakes, just as described in the Bible.  We here at Landover Baptist just felt like we simply had to be the first Christians to see this movie, just as we will be the first, and perhaps only, Christians to see Jesus.

Church members were enthralled by the bloodshed and gruesome violence that dominated the first three hours of the film.  “The special effects made us think we were really witnessing the Second Coming,” observed Brother Harry Hardwick, who sat near the front of the theater and continuously compared the action to the passages of Revelation in his pocket KJV.  “The Good Lord’s final Book of the Bible says God will kill a quarter of the Earth with the sword, starvation and beasts (Revelation 6:8), a third of the planet by using four angels with an army of 200 million soldiers (Revelation 9:15-19), 7,000 sinners with an earthquake (Revelation 11:13) and the rest with fire and brimstone (Revelation 14:10-11; 18:8).  The brimstone is so that the last aroma the sinners will sniff before having their heads ripped off by Jesus will be like sitting downwind of an Irish barfly’s pickled-egg farts. The movie appeared reasonably accurate early on.  God, still with his long white hair and flowing beard, was depicted as a character named Sauron, who was directing the killing himself, just as the Bible says the Father will when His Son returns.  He even took the form of an all-seeing eye, which is how the Lord appears on the back of dollar bills.  He is always calling back in His name!  So He could control the killing from above. I think I speak for everyone in saying we felt like the Christians described in Revelation who, as John told us, will watch the slaughter with delight (Revelation 6:10-11), so happy to see non-Christians being annihilated that “we will rejoice over [the dead bodies] and make merry, and shall send gifts to one another” (Revelation 11:8-10).  I’ll tell you, the mood of our church leaders hadn't been that high since our first Harry Potter book burning.  

However, certain historical inaccuracies in The Return of the King began to give Brother Harry pause halfway through the film.  “Revelation makes clear that Jesus will appear with a sword sticking out of his mouth (Revelation 2:16) and will kill all the children of Jezebel (Revelation 2:23), including Chelsea Clinton.  Yet, none of the characters held their sword in such a manner.  The Bible also makes clear that, before all the killing occurs, God will send horse-like locusts with human heads, women’s hair, lions’ teeth and scorpion tails to sting people for five months (Revelation 9:7-10).  Granted, a certain amount of editorial license comes with making a movie, but while there were creatures in the film, the killing started immediately, before any torture, which was very disappointing. As any True Christian knows, a Second Coming without a prolonged prelude of torture would hardly be worth all the effort. After all, the dead can’t see you rejoice over their fate or hear you mock them for not tithing to your church while they still had the chance. And anyone who has read the New Testament knows that if there is one thing God enjoys doing even more than blowing His holy top, it is torturing people. He’s invested an enormous amount of His time constructing the most incredible torture device ever created.  It’s called Hell – and He has perfected His ability to burn the skin off of human bodies over and over again while making it always feel like the first time, for all of eternity.” 

What caused Brother Harry the most concern, however, was an apparent subtext involving midgets and dwarfs working for Satan.  “Needless to say, Jews don’t come right out and say they are making a movie to glorify Satan,  just as the most any Catholic will divulge, before the 12th pint of Guinness, is that they never knew anybody but Mary lived in Heaven.  The crafty unsaved conceal their intentions through sneaky symbolism and the renaming of things, much as they did before they took over the world’s financial institutions and caused the Great Depression, for which there was no Prozac.  You see, the Jews are very covert; a lot of them write the name God in code as “G_d” to try to trick folks.  Of course, someone should tell them it doesn’t take an Enigma machine to decode their secret messages. Whereas ‘God’ had been renamed ‘Sauron,’ the golden crucifix was replaced by a gold ring – and since everything about Hobbits is really small, I have to wonder exactly which appendage this ring is intended for!  The demon-possessed midgets, who knew they would never be welcomed by God because of their disgusting physical abnormalities (Leviticus 22:17-21), were attempting to destroy God and Jesus by hurling the crucifix/gold ring into the pits of Hell.  We, of course, assumed these devils would be caught and violently killed, but after nearly four hours, they succeeded.  Seeing the Lord Jesus incinerated like yesterday’s rubbish is not an image any True Christian will soon forget.  Clearly, the Jews are still sore about what Christians did to them in Germany back in the '30's and '40's, but I, for one, have just about had it with all that carping.  Some rudeness by people, not famed for their charm, is hardly reason to go and make a moving picture where God is defeated and Satan is the leading man!”

To see the Lord’s torturing of humans stopped short by the wily Devil was more than Landover Baptist church members could bear.  “Hellywood had duped us again,” reported Mrs. Ona Mae Moffit, who extinguished an unfiltered Camel in the palm of her hand to show her love for Jesus.   “Most of the time, we all carry tomatoes to these previews so we can bloody up the screen with our disapproval.  But none of us brought none this time 'cause we thought this was a Christian movie!  Without vegetables to hurl at the screen, church members instinctively reached for their guns, firing volley after volley until the screen was in shreds.  Then two elder deacons, whose rifles were equipped with modern flamethrowers, torched the wall separating the theater from the lobby, instantly igniting a forty-gallon drum of tropical oil next to the popcorn machine, creating a fireball that enveloped the concession area.  Fortunately, all members of the audience were safely evacuated, with only minor injuries reported, before the complex was razed, and fatalities were limited to 24 blue-collar theater employees.

“Henceforth, the Board will review all films before permitting any church members to see them,” concluded Deacon Fred.  “This complex cost over five million dollars, and its destruction means next year’s tithe on those earning less than $50,000 annually must be increased to 18.5 percent.  Clearly, the audience’s understandable reaction to this filth was an act of God, and acts of God aren’t covered under our Lloyds’ policy.”






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