|Lucifer's Toy Chest
Banned Christmas Toys
As always, Satan's shopping list of Christmas gifts are guaranteed to send your child to prison – and you to a shallow grave. The following Christmas toys are banned from purchase. Be warned: If one of these items is found in your home or on your person, then you'll have to find yourself another place to worship, for you are no longer welcome at this Godly church.
Leap Start Learning Table - Marketed to Caucasian children and Colored adults, this so-called "Learning Table" spits out lies about math, science and other secular bunk Christ-haters teach in public schools. We suggest you just start your toddler out with an illustrated King James Bible and a spanking instead.
iPod Mini - Children will download Satanic siren calls from punk rockers like Clay Akin onto this device. The iPod is not equipped with a child safety lock so Christian parents don't know if their kids are listening to Pastor's sermons or Lucifer's belches. Apple also uses a logo that mocks the Lord by embracing the symbol of fallen man.
Homo-Robo-Sapien - This bowlegged robot walks with the waddle of a Nancy Boy whose rectum is sore from a long night of deviant sex. When the strategically placed power switch between its legs is tilted up to full erection power, it starts a humpin' on anything nearby with voracious lust and moral abandon, and you can't stop it.
Tickle Me Elmo - What the instructions on this perverted little toy don't tell you is that if your child tickles Elmo on the nape between his hairy red testicles and fuzzy hiney, instead of letting out a giggle, he twitches and moans in a suggestive manner, squirting warm yogurt (not included) into your sweet child's face. SHOCKING LINK!>
World of Warcraft - A video game spawned in the pits of hell. Kids learn to kill their parents by "questing." They are exposed to naked elves with giant purple bosoms which invite their soft and eager fingers. They learn to peel human skin by "leatherworking" with more glee than even sadistic Mary Worshipper Mel Gibson dared! More>
Aquapets - This penis-shaped toy is capable of opening up the very gates of Hell in your own Christian rumpus room. Aquapets are talking masturbation teaching toys. Your innocent pre-teen daughter will be transformed into a tallywacker-addicted slut before the Lord manages to drain the two D batteries of their Satanic powers. More>
Sponge Bob Square Pants - This lewd and perverted nelly little yellow cartoon character is causing chaos in Christian homes across America. Not only does Sponge Bob encourage children to question their parents' gender - but if you flip him upside down, his eyes and nose become engorged genitals. Read More>
The Grinch Doll - Creation Scientists estimate that if you peel back the green hairs between the legs of this doll, one in every 200 is equipped with a tiny green penis, which is clearly a "dildo" intended to be used on small household pets and insects. It is amazing the sick, perverted things will pop into the minds of unsaved liberals! More>
Special Notice to Church Members Regarding this List
Pending lawsuits exist between Landover Baptist and the manufacturing agency of each of the gifts listed above. These objects have harmed one or more members of our church in the last year and have caused a great division within the body of Christ. We ask for your patience until we see the toy makers thrown in jail.
Anyone caught using any of the products listed above is subject to the fines and termination guidelines found on pages 874-900 of the Landover Baptist Rules and Regulations Manual for the Freehold, Iowa True Christian™ Community.