|HAITI: Where Will the Lord Strike
Freehold, Iowa - In times of so-called tragedy, people say that Americans always come together. Well, that is... except for us. We Landover Baptists are True Christians™ - and as such we are leery of what we hear outside of Fox News or the Holy Bible. We examine everything from a Biblical perspective before jumping on a bandwagon, especially when it comes to the Lord's wrath. It's complicated, but we've been doing it for 418 years and have been very successful.
As you all know, like the Haitians - the Landover Baptists have been suffering great pains! Those of you sitting in this church today are not suffering any pain because you poked a Voodoo Doll in the wrong place! Nay! The pain we suffer is something far more painful than the Haitians could ever dream of! What the descendents of Ham in Haiti are suffering is like a pin-prick compared to what we have suffered for countless years! That suffering is called, Persecution! And I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy!
Lately, we are being persecuted by the liberal media for our religious beliefs because we held a praise and worship service to celebrate the manifestation of God's magnificent and mighty power after we heard about His smack-down in Haiti! We had Fox News playing in the background in our sanctuary, showing scenes of God's handiwork in Haiti on the big screen while I led the congregation in, "How Great Thou Art," and "The Hallelujah Chorus." We're going to make it a regular thing every Wednesday night from this day henceforth. I hereby declare no matter how much hateful anti-Christian persecution and suffering for the cause of Christ is thrown our way because of it! Glory!
Brothers and sisters, the Lord is real! And he shows us time and time again that if He don't get the proper respect He is due, He gets mighty insecure about it, so insecure in fact, that He is wont to throw enormous temper-tantrums! The after effects of Poppa God's temper tantrums obviously lead to tsunamis, hurricanes, and now - most recently, an earthquake. Praise His Name! Or suffer the consequences! Glory to God!
Now listen to me well, brothers and sisters! Did you know that by lifting a single finger to help those whom the Lord intended for slaughter, you risk being a party unto the Lord's displeasure? As such, it is strictly forbidden for any member of this church to offer any aid to Haiti! ESPECIALLY OUR PRECIOUS PRAYERS! Prayer is the most popular choice of international aid for Conservative Christians, and we don't want our prayers to go to waste (especially when we're aiming them toward far more important matters like overturning Obama's Communist Healthcare System). So please, if you are sending out any prayers - keep them focused on the Health Care debate. It is okay to say a few prayers (as long as they are under 10 words or less) for family, but keep your focus on Congress and Health Care. Don't let Satan distract you by making you accidentally pray for some colored person in Haiti who is already going to Hell anyway. Keep your prayers focused!
If any of you here feel the Devil's tug and are struggling with sending aid to Haiti, know this: the only kind of "aid" we are called to send to Haiti is a shipment of King James Bibles - 1611 version! It is my hope that when those destitute people learn to read the Lord's English, they will finally do something important with their pathetic lives and get saved! Shout It! GLORY!
Let's leave sending "Aid to Haiti" to the liberal-elite - to showbiz folks like that Tim or John McClooney fellow and the MTV's. They get a piece of the spotlight out of others' misfortunes and at the same time will bring God's wrath upon themselves for trying to help people God tried to kill. And quite frankly, I don't think that would bother us a bit! A-men? Don't let Satan draw you into sorrow! Hold fast, and just say "no" to helping the hell-bound!
Now... my brothers and sisters in Christ - as True Christians™ we need to ask ourselves the same question we ask ourselves whenever there is magnificent event that even liberal feminazis like Hillary Clinton admit, "is of Biblical proportions." That question is, where will the Lord strike next?
Through scripture, and the story of Sodom and Gomorrah, we know that when something sets the Lord off, He doesn't stop with just one city. My guess is that San Francisco is the next stop on God's 2010 Tour of Holy Destruction. One would think He'd spare an American city, but to the Lord, California is a country unto itself, and San Fransissyco represents everything God hates. It is anti-God, anti-religion, anti-conservative, and anti-American. San Francisco is a cesspool of free-thought, secular education, filthy "so-called" art, silly scientific discoveries, and other poppy-cock! It doesn't help that the damned place is chock full of Sodomites -but that goes without saying. They're just kindling for the fires in Hell.
So you mark my words! God will strike next in San Francisco - and you heard it from me first! I don't have the gift of prophecy, I just use the Bible as a road map to plot out the Lord's next target. A-men?
Friends, I have a special treat for you all today. I am dismissing church early so we don't have to miss a single NFL playoff game! Let's close with a hymn and let you all run along! Glory!
Now, open your hymnals to page 27 and let's begin singing from the second stanza, and get out of here!