July 2004

Will I See My Grandpa Naked After the Rapture?

Dear Pastor, 

I learneded in my Left Behind books and my Chick tracts that when the Rapture comes, Lord Jesus maybe reaching His hand right down out of Heaven to snatch us up so fast to Glory that He leaves our CLOTHES behind!  My Momma told me that bein’ nekkid and lookin’ at other folks who is nekkid is just flat out WRONG. I understand that Jesus may be makin’ Christian folks nekkid in Heaven so He can tell ‘em apart from all the unsaved folks.  But I think the unsaved folks is gonna have missing heads and body parts from when Jesus killed ‘em, so it will be easy to tell them apart.  

What is really gonna happen, Pastor?  When my family gets to Heaven, I don’t wanna see my grandpa nekkid! He’s gonna want to give me a great big hug, and I don’t think I’m gonna like it!


Kimmy Williams (Age 11)


Dear Kimmy, 

First let me say it is an absolute joy to hear testimony from a precious young lady like yourself. It makes me proud that someone at your age is already reading the Left Behind Series.  If you were a student at Landover Baptist University, you wouldn’t get to that series of books until the second year of your post-graduate studies in American English Literature.  That you’ve already have read them, and have a firm understanding of the iron-clad, unavoidable future that awaits all Christ-fearing folks, is a testament to the success of our home schooling program.   

What amazes me is that you’ve studied the Left Behind series and referenced your supplemental Chick tracts so carefully that you’ve noticed the one tiny oversight in these gripping pre-history volumes.  Yes, for while our dear brothers in Christ Tim LaHaye and Jerry B. Jenkins did a wonderful job channeling God’s gloriously dramatic premeditated plans for mass genocide into those books, they chose to omit one important detail of the glorious Rapture.  Specifically, that when Jesus sucks you out of your clothes into Heaven, the force of His holy vacuum will be so great that it will shear every hair from your body, every breast and nipple from your chest, and praise God, every tallywhacker and hoochie that dangles or rests between the sacred legs of every Bible believing Christian on the face of the earth.  Yes! The Lord will see to it that our clothes, and our vile sex organs are the only things that get left behind. Shout Glory!  

You are probably asking yourself, “Why will Jesus be removing our reproductive organs and teats before we get to Heaven?” Well, my dear lady, the answer is quite simple.  In Heaven, there'll simply be no need for genitals.  My guess is that the Lord is pretty disgusted after having to watch His creatures hump away on each other for the last 4,000 years.  I know I’d be! Think of it this way, Jesus and His Daddy have been sitting up there in Heaven watching the longest pornographic film ever made, and frankly, they are no longer amused.  So after the Rapture, they will be looking for new ways to get their kicks.

Post-Rapture, Jesus and His Daddy will be preoccupied with savagely slaughtering an ungrateful 90% of the world who didn’t give Him 10% of their paychecks, for having a lifetime of fun at the Lord’s expense.   I get a big old belly laugh when I think about the horrors that await unsaved people.  Why after they get over the initial shock of discovering that the millions of person-free girdles and jockey shorts lying around town aren't actually empty after all, but are in fact filled with the soggy, smelly, disembodied giblets of their former owners! I tell you, it is gonna be a real hoot to watch the expressions on their faces from our front row seats in Heaven! Oh Lordy! I am laughing out loud right now as I am writing this!

And so to answer your question – yes, you and your Grandpappy will be as naked as a pair of sphynx kittens, skipping down Main Street as soon as you get through the pearly gates!  But don’t fret, dear Kimmy, for it will not be the nakedness you will have come to know during your short life.  Indeed, because your grandfather’s  wrinkled skin noodle will be hiding in his pleated Dickies on the floor of the Hemlock Farms rec room, waiting to surprise the first unsuspecting, unsaved person who happens upon them.  And your hairless, stinky little hoo-hoo will still be clinging - like a thick strip of raw bacon - to the humid, satiny insides of the little pink panties left dangling off the seat of your Schwinn 3-speed.

That’s right – for while Heaven may be a nudist colony, all the residents look like giant walking, talking depantsed Ken and Barbie dolls – blessedly free of hairy holes and hamhocks from the waist down!  

So, when you are reunited with your grandfather in Heaven, he'll ask you to sit upon his lap once again.  And if you feel that familiar poke on your thigh, grandpappy will no longer by lying when he says, "That's only a roll of lifesavers down there, my dear! And it means I'm happy to see you!"

I hope that clears up any concerns you may have, little Kimmy.  See you after the Rapture! 

Yours in Christ,

- Pastor






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