|King of the Mary Worshippers Thumbs His Nose at God and Refuses To Die!
Pope Death Watch
To accommodate the convention center's scheduling constraint and protect the church’s $4,000 deposit, Pastor Deacon Fred has called upon Real Christians everywhere to say vociferous imprecatory prayers against the pope’s fragile health during the first week of March. “He is all but dead now,” pointed out Pastor, “all it is going to take is one well-worded curse in Jesus’ name against that old fart and he’ll be dust. Last week, I was watching the pope on TV mumbling one of his satanic sermons in that Eurotrash voice of his, waving his hand from the balcony like some palsy drunk hailing a cab. The second thing to cross my mind – after Satan in a skirt -- was that that old fool is going to be called home to his pal Lucifer any minute now. He was shaking so much that if that fancy woman’s dress he was wearing didn’t have so much starch in it to hold him up, his little Polish skeleton would have fallen to the ground quicker than an altar boy when a priest walks in the room. And we here at Landover Baptist are willing to do whatever it takes to help God’s Perfect Will along."
“When Pope John Paul the First was killed by God after just a month, it really caught us by surprise,” lamented Betty Bowers. “We had to scramble. And everyone wants the celebration of the Lord killing a pope to be a special occasion, since it happens all too infrequently. It was a lovely party, and the food was amusing, but it wasn’t of a New York caliber. There just wasn’t time to fly in a chef, as had been done for the more considerate demise of Paul VI. And the food and music for John XXIII’s death were absolutely legendary. Sammy Davis, Jr. had done an impromptu, if off color, number called "Papal Bull" that had everyone in stitches. So there is a glorious legacy to which this year’s party will inevitably be compared. You can just tell when something is thrown together at the last minute --like an ABC sitcom. We are not going to let that happen this time. Quality caterers cannot be rallied at the eleventh-hour. And I can always tell if someone always available on short notice has done the flowers. It just ends up looking like a black funeral.”
In addition to planning to fete Real Christians celebrating a world
with one less Catholic, the death of a pope provides a wonderful opportunity
to use a moment of vulnerability to proselytize to people who have embraced
a faith that guarantees a certain descent to Hell. “We need
to be ready this time,” said Pastor Harry Hardwick. “Whenever a pope
dies, tens of thousands of priests become depressed and turn to booze.
Since almost all priests are Irish, this means a lot of mean drunks.
They are dangerous to be around, but we are really trying to reach out
to Catholic priests, so we have to go to them regardless of the risks to
the personal safety of the people we hire. This means having witnesses
for the True Faith, Baptist, at all the places Catholic priests tend to
frequent in times of grief, whether it is at gay bars, gay bathhouses,
places of public sodomy or Cher concerts. The very night Pope John
Paul II croaks, we want to make sure that we have Baptists stationed at
all the gay discos ready to give a Kleenex, a Bible tract and the way back
to a religion that God actually likes.”
Of course, priests’ reactions may be different to the passing of this particular pope, since Pope John Paul II recently spoke against homosexuality- outside of the Catholic Church. “I guess it is OK for sodomy to go on inside St. Peters and every parish church from here to Timbuktu until you feel like those folks in Sodom got a raw deal,” dryly observed Mrs. Judy O’Christian, Landover’s diplomatic envoy to the Vatican, “Just not out by the Coliseum where everyone can see it. While some may think the Pope’s condemnation a little timid, we applaud the courage that even that meek message must have taken. I mean, the Pope speaking out against homos is like Nelson Mandela condemning blacks. You just don’t expect folks to turn on their own kind like that.”
Vatican officials had originally predicted the Pope would defy death and soon be back to hobbling about, drooling down his jeweled vestments, and hacking up blood like a half resurrected Lazarus. Such wistful hopes, however, were dashed when the Pontiff was roundedly snubbed by the Nobel committee for that award he has coveted (almost as much as Mary) for 25 years, leading to a surprising amount of broken papal-crested Limoges china and Waterford stemware, given the Pope’s otherwise frail condition. The Pope, more addicted to fawning adulation than Rush Limbaugh is to hillbilly heroin, was apparently devastated that the committee awarded its Peace Prize to a woman who has risked her life to speak out and work against repression and violence in a country whose government hates and has jailed her, whereas the Pope has for years given long-winded speeches against war before being whisked to his secure, luxury accommodations in the Vatican. A church insider reported, on the condition of anonymity, that the Pope concluded that the spiteful secular prize committee in Scandinavia, which seem literally hell-bent on depriving the Pope of the award even though they know he has already commissioned a fabulous marble trophy case to house it, has led the pontiff to feel like Karen Carpenter when faced with the remoteness of ever winning another Grammy award – he has stopped taking food.
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