CHRISTMAS CASUALTY REPORT:
"Santa ended up with a red butt full of lead before he made it halfway through the parking lot," Pastor Deacon Fred told reporters. "He also got himself two black eyes that made him look more like Frosty the Snowman than Lucifer’s gift-giving ambassador here on Earth!" As an annual precaution, Baptist Security officers and deputized Deacons are armed with shotguns, pepper spray and bullwhips, and stationed at each mall entranceway during the Christmas season. As usual, they all had orders to shoot Santa Claus on sight. Because of the 4-minute spray of bullets that downed the entire shoe department at JC Penny's last year, Pastor and Kay Jewelry salesmen Harold Pinkler had instructed mall security, 'Don't fire until you see the whites of his furry cuffs!' But thanks to the Godly efforts of our Baptist Junior High School students and and three young members of our Tots-4-Jesus Prayer Squad who were out putting, Jesus is the Reason for the Season flyers on car windows in the mall parking lot, Santa Claus' feeble attempt to spoil Christmas for True Christians™ ended on the tarmac outside the east wing of the Freehold, Iowa Baptist Mall. Praise God, who knows how many happy, Christian sweater shoppers' lives were saved by trying to kill Santa out in the parking lot this year!"
Dozens of Christian children from a Junior High Sunday School class were awarded the Landover Baptist Medal of Convenient Christian Service during last weekend's morning worship after risking their lives and a game of hockey to save the true meaning of Christmas. "Each of these children tell me they acted instinctively out of Godly concern as soon as they saw that fat red demon squeeze out of his VW Bug which was plastered with vile 'Obama '08' and 'Peace on Earth' bumper stickers," Pastor told parishioners on Sunday. "One boy tells me heard the voice of Jesus inside his heart whispering, 'There he is, Billy! There be the demon, Santa... My Nemesis. Creep softly My son... and make not a sound as you do My bidding. I live within you and My strength will guide you... NOW, GET THAT DANG FAT OLD DEMON! and Kill! Kill! KILL!' "
"Our precious Christian children snuck up
behind Santa Claus and beat him unconscious," said Pastor
Deacon Fred. "Then they held him down while
Billy pumped a few rounds into his enormous behind.
When ambulances arrived almost two hours later, a crowd of
cheering church members along with the entire Landover
Baptist Junior High Youth Group had already shown up. I'm
told that each of them had a Godly opportunity to kick and
spit on that old devil."
Billy Henshaw recalls, "When we had Santa down, I called everyone I knew on my cell phone and told them all, 'Get down here as fast as you can if you want to get a punch in on this pagan troll before the ambulance shows up! I then used my phone to take photos of his wiener with that devil cap of his on it. You can see a bunch more photos of that sack of Jesus hating crap all half dead and stuff posted on my Facebook page! Just send me a tell and I'll send you the link." There were also several unsaved children, still angry about being tricked into good behavior who were happy for the opportunity to take a few spirited whacks at the man who had falsely promised them iPods and Playstations last year.
Santa Claus remains in critical condition on a gurney
loading dock at
The Landover Baptist Church teaches Tots-4-Jesus that Santa's
belly is fat because it is filled with the bodies of the
little Christian boys and girls he kidnaps through their
chimneys and feasts upon with his demonic elves in his
hellish lair in the North Pole. "Thanks to True Christian™
a set of Republican values are instilled into the hearts and minds of
our Christian children at a very early age," says Pastor
Deacon Fred. "That is,
the message of Jesus' love is what this month is all about
-- and we are willing to crack some skulls to keep it that
kiddies' spontaneous show of Christmas spirit is a
demonstration that our conservative teachings and values work!
Praise God! And let this be a lesson to all you
parents out there who are tempted to forget the Christmas
story by writing 'From Santa' and not 'From Jesus' on
presents: A smelly manger in Bethlehem would seem like the
Ritz-Carlton compared to a rat-infested, Iowa hospital
loading dock in the dead of winter, my friends!"