January 2005

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Why Did Jesus Have Long Hair Like a Homo?

Dear Paster,

Last weak at homeskool, me and my bruther was lookin at some pitchures of Jezus, and we sawed he had reel long hairs on his haid.  He looks like my sister, Suzanna Beth. I askded my teachur (momma) if that means Jezus were a gay old butt-sniffin' homo like my momma's cousin, "Gay Bobby," cause neither of theys never got marryed.  But my momma did'nt no the anser.  Can you pleaze tell us? 

Yours in Criyst Jezus,

- Billy-Joe

Dear Billy-Joe,

God bless you, young man, and thank you for bringing up this important question. I understand it can be difficult when you see all those photographs of Jesus in your Children's Bible and wonder whether you're gazing upon our Beloved Savior, or just some scruffy hustler swishing along in the Wigstock Parade.

Add to that Jesus’ effeminate yearnings for such staples of the homosexual agenda as so-called “peace,” “love,” and “compassion,” and it’s perfectly understandable how an good, decent, conservative youngster like yourself would start to out-and-out DESPISE the Lord.

Fortunately, there are perfectly rational reasons for why the earliest known photographs of Jesus show him with girlishly elongated hairs.

First, what you must understand is that after Jesus accepted himself as Lord and Savior, and became the first Christian - what do you think was the first thing he did?  I'll give you a hint - It is a tradition that we here at Landover Baptist carry on to this very day! It is the first thing the Holy Ghost whispers into your ear, the minute you get saved.  That's right, Billy-Joe.  Jesus got a haircut.

The reason you see so many pictures of Jesus with long hair is because those pictures were drawn by unsaved people.  Most of them were drawn by hell-bound, pasta-slurping, Mary-worshipping, hell-bound Catholics.  

Jesus had short hair, Billy-Joe.  And He was always clean-shaven for the last three years of His life here on Earth.  Can you imagine how painful it must have been for Him to pluck His nose hairs with a wooden tweezers? He did it for you, Billy.  He did it because He loves you, not the way a homosexual loves another man, but the way a Father loves his son.  And you must follow His example.

If the false images of Jesus with long hair are a stumbling block for you, then just tear them out of your Bible.   For a more accurate example of what Jesus would look like if He were walking amongst us today, just gaze on the portrait of our Godly President, George W. Bush, hanging in the main sanctuary.  

If you'd like to have the pictures of Jesus in your Bible replaced with photographs of President Bush, then ask your mother to contact Youth Pastor Geoffrey Weaver. We have printed out several thousand copies of a new children's Bible with the pictures already replaced. 

God Bless You,

- Pastor







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