July 2009

I Asked My Friends In Congress to Name July: U.S. Christian Heritage Month

Excerpt From Pastor Deacon Fred's Address to a Closed Meeting of Church Members 

Freehold, Iowa -  Everyone sitting here today knows the story of the first Landover Baptists - how they traveled in three boats across the Atlantic Ocean in 1612.  Those boats were chock full of first edition King James 1611 Bibles, stolen right under the nose of the old queer King himself!  Glory!  I wonder how much they'd go for on Antiques Road Show today?  Maybe enough to get me that new ministry Lexus.  A-men?

My friends, When our forefathers landed on Plymouth Rock, they didn't sodomize each other to stay warm through the first winter like the rest of them Pilgrims did! No sir! They were out winning the souls of Injun savages before the first flake of snow even fell!  Well, it's lucky for us that we come from a long line of soul winners because as the story goes, it was a few of them new Jesus lovin' savages who led our ancestors to the "land over in the west," as our founding father, Pastor Enoch Smithe was so fond of saying. Each of us here in this church today can trace our blood lines directly back to one or two members of those first Baptist families that braved the trip over uncharted territories into the glorious land which God had carefully prepared for us since the dawn of time. That land would later become known as the state of Iowa. When Lewis and Clark made their way to land over in the West, I'm sure they were quite surprised to find a thriving community of True Christians™ already settled in that area! You all know how the story goes - Lewis and Clark promised to keep our community a secret, and in turn they were allowed to play one round of golf at our Baptist country club (the first club of its kind in America I might add) and rest at our Christian day spa before continuing on their perilous journey.

My friends, did you know we are the only Americans to ever have a free hold on land over in the west. We were the first Christians to bring the love of Jesus Christ to the savages we'd later call, "Injuns," and then "American Injuns," and then "Native American Injuns." My great-great-great-great grand-daddy used the fresh blood of feather-headed folks to print Bibles when we ran out of ink in 1704!The red skins even helped us dig up the bones of their unsaved ancestors we found in pagan burial grounds that just happened to be sitting on prime real estate.   Even though our founding fathers saved those Injuns from an eternity in Hell, we never got any thanks from them, and we still don't!  We were kind enough to erect our first chapel right on top of one of their burial grounds and they are still protesting about it today!  That first chapel was called, "The Holy Land Over in the West Baptist Church."  Did you know that the church you are sitting in today is actually the fifth of our main Sanctuaries? The original chapel from 1632 was moved to another location in order to provide space for a parking lot at the Landover Christian Mall in 1964.

As members of this church, you have much to be proud of! American Christian Heritage Month always brings back memories. And those memories will be taught in every public school in this country as soon as Congress passes the "U.S. Christian Heritage Month" bill. 

Brothers and Sisters, some of the memories I have of America's Christian heritage I'm fond of, and others, I'd just as soon forget.  I remember I was just starting out as a young preacher here when federal marshals raided our community in 1971 and told us that we had to start paying our colored servants.  Those were some tough times, my friends!  The Bible doesn't say anything about paying our servants! Jesus just gave us tips on how to clean and care for them.  And to think that we'd lose something so important to the founding of our nation!  The United States of America was founded on Christian principles, Bible based principles - like Slavery, Witch Hunting, and Book Burning!  The Liberals don't like the Bible.  They never did. They'd make it illegal to have one in your home, if it weren't for Godly Republicans in Congress who are standing up for our right to follow the Word of God!

I thought it was the end of the world, and Jesus was peekin' his head around the next cloud when the Government came in and forced us to disobey Christ's teachings by making us pay our servants (or as they used to call them, "slaves").  But God surprised us!  You see, our Negroes were so much in love with our lilly-white Jesus that they were willing to work for free for another 10 years. It wasn't until that high yellow son of an Injun, and former dishwasher, Al Sharpton, got the ACLU involved that we even had to pay them a dime!  Well, thank God most of our coloreds are saved, because they will be working to serve the Saints of Landover Baptist in Heaven for free in eternity.  So I don't fret about having to give 'em a few dollars in this world, cause I know when we get to Glory, it's gonna to be just like the old days. There won't be no liberals up there to raise no trouble, neither!

As the so-called Independence Day of our Nation approaches us, let us take time to remember the blessings that God grants to those who flatter Him regularly.  Our little Christian family of 17 members in 1612 has grown to over 59,253 at last count. And our women are poppin' out little Baptist babies almost as fast as them hump-like-a-bunny Mexicans over there in Puerto Rico. Friends, we have Landover Baptist members in every branch of government, and in powerful positions at every federal agency. We always have! And no American history class will ever teach you that, until the next bill goes through Congress! For although we fight in wars of flesh and blood, we are always involved in a spiritual war. We fight against the principalities of darkness, and unseen spirits of the air! So we take every precaution necessary.  We must always stand firm, and be proud that our great reward for forging this Christian Nation will only be received in Heaven, that is, unless our publishers get our next book out before Armageddon!

Now we celebrate American Christian Heritage Month, as we have been doing every July for the last 240 years - and as we pray each American citizen will be mandated to do as soon as the "U.S. Christian Heritage Month" bill passed through Congress.  Friends, as we open up the festivities with our annual all-you-can-drink Communion service and Household Help Auction, I'd like to congratulate the five Levitical Law Week family finalists seated up here on the stage with me.  These folks will compete for a one-year, tithe-free membership in October's Levitical Law Week competition. Congratulations, friends. We're looking forward to this next season of our favorite Christian Reality Show.

In closing, may the Lord make his face shine upon the largest, most powerful assembly of worthwhile people to ever exist on the face of this planet! My fellow Christians, just remember, that when you bow your heads and give thanks to God for your independence on July 4th, that 1776 may never have come, were it not for our families here in Freehold, Iowa having the guts to insert ourselves into just about every significant historical event in the history of our Christian Nation. A-men!





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