August 2006

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Why Doesn't Jesus Just Zap All the Evil Doers?

Dear Pastor,

How comes Jewrusalam is so dangerus? My daddy was gonna take me to see the holly land this summer but he sayid it ain't not safe to go now cause the evil dewers are blowing things up everywheres. Why don't Jesus just zap all the evil dewers so cristyun familys can go visit his old home and stuff and not worry about getting blowed up?

Ralphy Simmons

Age 14


Dear Ralphy,

What a wonderful question, young man! You see - Jesus is going to "zap," as you put it (the Bible really implies a "wholesale slaughter" in this case) all the evil doers. The book of Jeremiah tells us that one day Jesus will kill so many folks who rub Him the wrong way that the whole planet will be covered with rotting corpses. Hold your nose, Ralphy! Christians like us will have to step on decayed carcasses just to get to church! But the good Lord assures us it won't be any more uncomfortable than getting a little cow poopy on our shoes. Doesn't that sound like fun? It's just like walking through the pastures out at the old Walker farm.

“And the slain of the Lord shall be at that day from one end of the earth even unto the other end of the earth: they shall not be lamented, neither gathered, nor buried, they shall be dung upon the ground.” (Jeremiah 25:33).

The real question, Ralphy, is why do we have to wait so long for Jesus to get off His throne and take His show on the road again? Well son, God has a plan! We're all eager for Jesus to kick off His surprise tour of the Middle East, and our President is doing his best to force the Lord's hand, but we must be patient.

I believe from the looks of things though, Ralphy, you might see the "Great Zapping" (as you eager young Christians call it) in your very own lifetime. God willing, after the exciting preliminary battles in the Middle East you see on FOX News every night in your living room are finished, there won't nearly be as many Jews and Arabiacs for Jesus to dispose of. He'll be focusing on killing off all the other evil doers, like the Catholics, Hindus, Wiccans, Sodomites, and North Koreans.

Little Ralphy, I envy you. You might be able to see a Christian dolphin show or swim down the giant sliding board at Red Sea World once Israel is leveled and paving begins for the greatest Christian theme park the world has ever known. And you are at an age right now where you might even be around to see the real Jesus blow things up! How cool is that?

Until that Great and Glorious Day When We Walk Together in Fields of Blood,

Pastor Deacon Fred



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