Local News 2003

Subject Archive:  LOCAL FREEHOLD, IOWA NEWS (2003)

Landover Homeowners Association Emulates the Lord, Destroying All That Displeases It
The Michael Robert Herron family returned from last Wednesday’s evening services to find they no longer had a house.  To their consternation and amazement, when they...
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Department of Health & Human Services Shuts Down Landover Baptist Hell House
A Public Notice announcing the immediate closure of the Landover Baptist 2003 Hell House Ministry In Freehold, Iowa, Until Further Investigation...
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Pastor Opens Fire in Lingerie Section of Local Wal-Mart
"By the time I caught up with him," said Brother Hardwick, "he had destroyed two complete rows of children's toys. I just saw him at the end of the aisle, stomping on some Veggie Tales vibrating cucumbers and yelling out something about Satan...
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Salvation Evaluation Committee Expels 21 Church Officials
While overall expulsions are on the decline, this year’s audit resulted in termination of the largest number of deacons and Sunday school teachers ever expelled in a single calendar year.  The following list of expelled instructors (and their expelled families) is provided....
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Canadian Witch Expelled Before Cheering Congregation of 25,000!
When Pastor got to row RR he stopped to face the widow, Mrs. Newberry and her passel of six, quiet children.  "The Holy Spirit is mighty curious this morning, my friends!" Pastor told the...
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Landover Elementary Redeems 50 Sudanese Slaves, Turns a Handy Profit
The experience of caring for a slave has helped the children in unexpected ways. "Most children forget to feed or walk their slave once or twice at most before they learn their lesson," said Mrs. Cole, mother of 10-year-old Reagan...
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Full Blown Demon Possession Misdiagnosed as Epileptic Seizure by Unsaved Doctors!
And in Grandpa Kidwell's case, his flailing body and violent fit during Pastor's sermon, was like Satan just begging to get whacked over the head and pelted with Bibles." Dr. Edwards cut a hole in Mr. Kidwell's stomach and drained...
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Arabs Available For Purchase at Annual Household Help Auction
This year's auction of minorities willing to pick vegetables, shingle roofs and perform pedicures on the obese has been postponed until July 6th so that Arabs can be rounded up and included in the merchandise ...
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Hey Kids, Pack Your Guns!  It's Time For Vacation Bible Camp!
Bible skits, and evening super surprise game competitions where children use tranquilizer guns to hunt unsaved homeless people who are dropped into the mountains by helicopter....
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Don't Let Those Feather Headed Pilgrim Killers Ruin Your Christian Thanksgiving!
As Thanksgiving time draws near, much like our Puritan ancestors, the hearts and minds of Landover Baptist Church members are once again filled with worries about what the irascible, drunk rabble of local bottom-baring Injuns will think up to spoil....
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Demon Possessed Baby Bites Off Pastor's Thumb During Baptism
Little Randy Clifton, age 2, and chock full of demons to boot, was handed over to be dunked for Jesus during the 9 A.M. service after his parents saw him nodding his head and saying, "mmm hmm" during Pastor's...
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