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God Has Zero Tolerance for Wicca!

Ban WICCANS From Your Community NOW! Before They Take Your Children! 

A TYPICAL WICCAN!  READ MORE ABOUT THESE CREATURES!The Freehold, Iowa Town Hall voted unanimously this week to enact a zero-tolerance Bible-based ban on Wicca. "Like the hyena and the dog, the Wiccan will mark its territory by urinating or squatting down its MORBIDLY OBESE RUMP and defecating onto the sacred cold ground of any church cemetery near a Burger King™," Pastor Deacon Fred told members of town council. "I tell you this!" he further stated, "You'll know when you stumble upon gooey pile of stinky Wicca dung! There is not enough turpentine in this county to wash their godless poop from the soles of our expensive shoes! It's time we take a stand against these animals, and rid our community of their abhorrent presence once and for all!" 

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The Landover Center for Occult Research is assisting members of our local Christian community by posting a list of activities associated with Wicca. "If you see anyone engaging in these activities, you have Jesus' permission to fire a warning round of buckshot into the hiney of the nearest gelatinous glob of cellulite sacrilege you see! (but don't aim for Sister Hardwick!  She's on God's team!)," Demon Hunter, Pastor Mitch Walker told a crowd of concerned citizens with torches gathered together in the church cemetery for prayer last Tuesday before a fun filled night of Wiccan hunting.


Please contact your local Christian police officer or Pastor if you witness anything listed below. We ask that you try your best to subdue any godless creatures engaged in such activities until professional help arrives. Members of the community are asked to keep 10 yards of Captain's Rope, a case of duct tape and a loaded shotgun within running distance throughout the entire month October as we declare, "Open Season on Wicca."


  1. A Gathering of Pale-Skinned Obese People in Baggy Clothes with Multiple Tattoos and/or Facial Piercings: In addition, a solitary or lonely looking overweight individual who meets the above description should also raise immediate concern!
  2. Renaissance Festivals: These fairs or "festivals" are slyly marketed to mainstream sinners, but our Occult experts have found that they are nothing more than Wiccan recruitment centers.
  3. Overweight People Climbing Trees: Wiccans practice tree climbing in our region due to the fact that we hold nightly hunting parties where the only way a Wiccan can escape the Lord's wrath is by climbing a tree (which we usually light on fire anyway).
  4. Skateboarding with Baggy Pants and Loose Sneakers: Skateboarding is a gateway sin which cunning Wiccan Den Mothers of the Night use to introduce their children to the Occult.
  5. Motorcycle Gangs: It is common knowledge that gangs like, "The Hell's Angels," have been getting paid top dollar since the early 1970's to kidnap attractive young ladies who are sold as sex-slaves to Wiccan High Priests.
  6. Liberal Political Propaganda Stickers on Automobiles: Liberals like to claim "tolerance," so that even Wiccans are welcomed by the succor of their twisted politics. The truth is, Jesus is not tolerant. And True Christians™ shouldn't be either! Jesus is going to burn people in Hell if they don't believe in Him. If He was tolerant, He'd let everyone into Heaven, which of course - is NOT the case!
  7. A Person or Persons Owning an Unusual Number of Felines: Witches never change. They love cats. But did you know that modern Wiccans cook cats with garlic and drink them in a stew? They also sacrifice cats and other animals with padded feet to their Dark Master, Satan. Be on the lookout for folks with too many cats!
  8. Role Playing Video Games Like World of Warcraft: Our Christian children have been sharing Jesus with sinners in the World of Warcraft for the last few years! The shocking statistics are that over 75% of people who play role playing video games are Wiccans! Help Jesus save a soul before they get in the game!
  9. Overzealousness in Regard to Halloween: The Devil's Birthday is October 31st, and Wiccans prepare for the celebration throughout the entire month of October. They live to server their master, Lucifer, but will lie through their teeth about it, saying they don't even believe in Satan and that he has nothing to do with Wicca. Don't believe a word of this nonsense! As our Creation Scientists are fond of saying, "One doesn't have to believe that human blood is red, to see that it is so!
  10. Defecating or Urinating in Public - Especially Near a House of Christian Worship: Wiccans are sneaky, but we've caught up with them! We know how they mark their territory during the month of October. Two years ago in Alabama, a coven of enormously overweight Wiccans managed to poop out a giant pentagram over two square miles in just three days! The church they marked in the center of the Devil's star was smacked down by Satan and went up in flames on Halloween night! Don't let this happen in your community!  Report these people to the authorities!



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