NASA To Place Christian Cross On Moon!
NASA officials have unveiled their $2.8 billion plan to put a cross on the moon by 2004. Agency spokesman, Jerry Vanderblossom, states: “I think this is an appropriate way to pay homage to the Creator of all things. All our propulsion and trajectory calculations are worthless without Christ’s blessings."
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Unsaved Five Year Old's Body Dug Up, Relocated To Unmarked Grave
"If you want to bury trash, find yourself a landfill." - Rev. Harry Hardwick
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"Women Probably Don't Have Souls"
To the shock of lady church goers, Creation Scientist and Bible Genius, Dr. Fred Neiman, announced, "The absence of either salvation or condemnation for women finds extensive support in the Word of God."
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Unarmed Student Shot in the Head by a Jesus Puppet
In the puppet show, God was killing whole villages of first-borns, when the Jesus puppet went off-scripture and started shooting... 
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Church Wins Gold Organ In National Soul Winning Contest!
Pastor Deacon Fred explained, "We knew  young children were more susceptible to Baptist witnessing techniques. By focusing on youngsters, we won the most souls in the shortest amount of time, thereby securing the gold organ."
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Actor Playing Jesus Accidentally Crucified in This Year's Passion Play
"I did wonder why he didn't rise from the dead at the end like Jesus did last year," his wife remarked, "but I just figured that they were trying to change the story a bit to keep everyone's attention.
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Deacon Fred SAVES Atheists At Their Own Convention!
Hear the Real Audio file of Deacon Fred saving Atheists at their own Convention in Sin Francisco! You won't believe your ears!
Listen To This Amazing Sermon!>

Film Review: Gladiator
Seen here, the gladiator fights the horned beast, Satan. This being a Hollywood movie, Satan wins, as usual. America's Best Christian, Mrs. Betty Bowers, reviews.
Christian Movie Review Here>

Notice To Church Members:
Trespassers Will Be Shot On Sight!
Note that all current ID cards will expire on the June 30th. All Landover Baptist members must have records including, but not limited to, photo, fingerprint, and DNA scan no later than June 25 in order to access the Landover Compound. Members trying to access any church owned and/or operated facility without proper ID are subject to execution just like trespassers. Membership ID booths are located in the East and South Wings of the Billy Sunday Repository Building every Wednesday and Friday from 12-8pm  for your convenience. Mastercard/Visa accepted.

Disney's Dinosaur Movie is Turning Kids Into Sex Maniacs!
Burger King is even distributing plastic dinosaurs that can be stacked on top of each other in a suggestive manner! We urge you to contact your Senators and Congressmen and tell them, "NO MORE!"
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Despite Hating The Right People, Cardinal Still Winds Up In Hell.
New York, NY--While the death of an unsaved Catholic is never cause for sorrow, this one at least accepted God's hatred of those who sin.
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Unsaved Idiots Sue Baptist Insurance Company

Freehold, IA-- Catholics, non-Baptist Protestants and other non-Christians sued Landover Life Insurance Company last Tuesday. The crux of their complaint is that the insurer charges higher premiums for non-Landover members. The company answered the lawsuit by explaining that its premiums are based on Christian actuarial tables. They stated, "As True Christians, we base everything on the Bible and that includes Old Testament life expectancies. Therefore, our policies are written for an average life expectancy of about 247 years. We are willing to take the losses from Godly folks not always making it to 969 like Methuselah, but we are not about to take on the risk of insuring folks God has it out for. We will not be in the business of rewarding the damned."
Landover Members Seek Part of Hunt Estate
Freehold, IA--Mr. and Mrs. G. Reed, bronze level Landover members, intervened in the long-standing probate dispute over the estate of late industrialist, Howard Hunt. Under the terms of Hunt's will, all living relatives of Mr. Hunt, no matter how far removed, are to share in a portion of the gargantuan estate. Mr. Reed explained the couple's claim: "According to the Bible, which we know is inerrant, God violently killed all the sinners of the Earth, including the unborn sinners, with a giant flood, leaving only Noah and his family alive. My wife and I, along with Mr. Hunt, are descendants of Noah, hence we are entitled to a share of the Hunt fortune." Pastors expect additional Landover members to join the Reeds in the lawsuit.
Long Haired Freaky People Need Not Apply
Freehold, IA-- Students returning home in search of summer work will be surprised to find Christian signs placed in every window of every local business in Freehold Iowa. You are welcome to apply for work, but you should know ahead of time... you will not be hired until you learn to respect your God, your church, your community, and yourself. Hair trimmed neatly over the ears, not touching the collar, is acceptable for men. Jewelry on males will not be tolerated. If you don't like it, try Des Moines. You are not welcome here.
Demon Posessed Liberal Arrested, Jailed
Freehold, IA-- Local police arrested a man earlier this week for handing out anti-Christian literature and talking about evolution near church. He was taken into custody and will remain behind bars in the Freehold County Jail until his October 2nd trial date.

Recent Releases!
New! Site Update Section. Church Members get Landover Baptist news, hot off the press! Just follow the Christian button on the top left, or 
Click Here> Church members see updates every day! Praise Jesus!
Church History
May 7, 1992:  Endangered Spotted Owl shot, stuffed, added to Pastor's Collection .
May 20, 1932:
Landover Home for The Demonically Possessed opens in Bute, North Dakota.
May 30, 1958 2:08:30AM:
Pastor Ebeneezer Smith and Deacon Fred Smith's moonshine runnin' daddy accepts Jesus on his death bed.
A Warning to The Unsaved:
We have taken the liberty of requesting a restraining order on all unsaved persons. If you are unsaved, you are not allowed within a 10 mile radius of our church, nor are you allowed on this website. Kindly leave, and be about the Devil's business, for you are not welcome here. Glory!

Read through the wonderful e-mails our church receives on a daily basis! Now 100% Legal! 
T-Shirt Shop!
Order your Landover Baptist "Get Your Ass To Church" Shirt today. Credit Cards Accepted
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