A Small Sample of Landover Baptist Mail Received March 2003  (unedited and in original form)

To whom it may concern, first off, i'd like to say that my parents are baptist and yes they go to a baptist church. and yes i'm over 18, i'm actually almost 21 and have some major concerns with your views and sayings on your site. i find a lot of it very offensive and very wrong towards other religions and toward other ethnic backgrounds. i'm a true wiccan and a high believer within nature. it's not and no it doesn't involve your entity called satan. a lot of people don't understand my religion of wicca. everyone has changed everything into the wrong i should say. anyhow, i want to say several things about what i find very offensive towards my friends and others as well, especially kids.

1) on the main page, i saw this "Godly Tips on How to Punish and Discipline Your Christian Child". first off it's a crime now to even hit and abuse your own child or even someone else's child. the fact on cruel punishment towards kids of being hit or abused, like my fiance was from his adoptive mother, is wrongful and also can cause perminent injury and possiblly death depending on what one does to hurt the child. i was a local EMA with the local squad and i hated seeing little kids having bruses and complete trama to their bodies. it makes me really sick of what kind of people that are out there who punishes their kid in such a way it leads to injuries. i don't care if it's a slap on their ass or whatever. it's still a crime to hit or injure a kid period. the way i see for punishment is not hurting them in anyway possible, more on the line of taking away their personal things they love and adore. that will usually work. or make them sit on time out, etc.

2) "Yoga: A Religion For Sex Addicts" that is false big time. yoga is an asian excerise for flexiblity, not for sex. my mom's chineese friend from D.C. does yoga and he's not a sexist. he's a very honorable man and friendly in that nature. he does multible excerises every morning before he heads to work, which yoga is involved. think a head of time before you come to conclusions about anything.

3) "God Doesn't Want Jews Anywhere Near His Home!" this statement makes you an anti-jew. they may have different belifs in their religion, but doesn't give anyone a path to live or go. people live where they choose to period. god has no say in anything with this matter. people have rights.

personally i think you need to rethink on everything on how the world has became over the years and to realize how things are now and not back in the day. most of the population are pure hypocrites, sinners (as you would refer to them and also people who say they believe in god's way or etc.), non-forgiving church goers out there. there's some out there who are true to their religion and keep to what their religion is gone by, example, the 10 commandments. personally i know of 1 true christian family who are true to what they believe. people have the right to choose their own path as i so choosen mine as being a wiccian. i think that for you for being a pastor, you have the wrong idea on how things should be. what ever happened to love thy neighbor, forgive others, etc.????? sorry, but i had to say my mind.

Tina Toro

FIRST OF ALL, buddy, thanks for the LAUGHS! Second, why would ANYONE in their right mind think that the Space Shuttle Columbia was somehow destroyed by God? That ridiculous assertion has absurdity written all over it! Do you realize just how many technological advances have been made because of our journeys into space? And another thing, why in the name of common sense do you compare vegans to witches of all the ridiculous things? My aunt and uncle are vegans, and perfectly HEALTHY I might add. You people would be surprised how many people become vegans for the simple FACT that they want to stay HEALTHY and the FACT that animals which are killed for meat are often treated with cruelty. Wake up and get in the 21st century before its too late!


Praise the Lord. Please let me know when Timothy Huxton finishes the Unreal Tournament 2003 "Spattered in the Blood of Christ Map" and the Jesus Mods. Email me at vholiik@xxxx.com

How dare you post anti-semitic preachings on your website?!?!?

You say that God does not allow Jews into space because this and that blah blah blah....no man shouldn't even go into space. There's a verse in Isaiah which says, Man will try to make his home among the stars, but I will throw them down from there." What do you say about that? Does it say Jews aren't allowed in space!? no! It says all men will be thrown down!

How do you think us christians got our faith? Through the Jews of course! Jesus came to earth as a Jew. So now that you hate Jews, you must even hate Christ since he was a Jew on earth! Why do you think that Jews are the smartest and most financially stable people in the world? Because they are blessed by God! And because of your jealousy, you can't stand them at all! The Holocaust did not occur because Christ punished them, the Jews called it upon them selves when Christ was in front of Pontius Pilate and they shouted, "Let his blood pour on our children's, children's children!"

As the Pastor of your church you have no right to promote hatred towards Jews, and if you do, you shouldn't be a pastor.

Danny Che

I recently became a christian after years of believing God was a god of fear..He is a god of love...I dont know how you can sleep at night believing as you do....You are a disgrace to Christ...no doubt you will say its the devil talking....

chris lindridge

You can't be serious, you fucking retardated excuses for human beings.You should just kill yourselves for being ignorant to everything around you. And for being such gullable brainwashed racist bastards, as to believe what that hand-me-down book of lies says word for word, what the hell are you thinking? Can you honestly believe what you put on your site? If you do, and if I were god, I would make you watch Scooby Doo and Toy Story over and over again until you are demonically posessed, then I would throw you in a church full of "negroes" and jews.Did your mommies drop you on your little heads as children, or were you born without a way to think for yourselves. I could write my own bible about stupid christians, but instead, to sum it up, FUCK YOU.

SINsirely - Austin

I have been a Baptist most of my life and I have never heard the horrors you describe on your Biblical Knowledge quiz. Once you believe in Christ and confess with your mouth you are saved. Once you belong to Christ you cannot ever belong to Satan again. If you could lose your salvation and never get it again ever person alive today is Hell bound because no one can be perfect. The way you spoke of things you totally forgot about the forgiveness or mercy of God. As to your saying an innocent baby who never sinned but was aborted went to Hell. I won't believe such a horrible thing. A child not able to understand Jesus and salvation is an innocent and therefore Heaven bound. Maybe you forgot or flat out disregard where Jesus says where there is no knowledge there is no sin.


Dear Pastor, i have a question. My brother, Mark, is a sweet boy and very bright. However, he was born with a disability called Autism. will he join me in heaven, or is he going to burn, though he really hasn't done anything wrong?

Signed, a concerned sister

Celia Higenbotham

children who r not old enough to understand about salvation go to hell? a person who falls away cant be saved again,. boy u r so mis reading scripture!! the verses talking about knowing Jesus then falling away dont mean u gave your life to him, an just because u know his name u cant keep sinning, Jesus said many will call his name but he will tell them he never knew them! contact the bible answer man, Hank Hanegraff with your misguided theories an he will lovingly debate them with you as he is far more adapt at it than a simple man like me, thanks an i hope u can get straightened out on alot of your doctrine.

Gregory Rhodes

My wife and I are struggling desperately at the moment with our three sons, and now we have twins on the way! Imagine our blessed relief reading your child purchase program.

Janice will be delivering two white baby girls around June 6, what sort of arrangement can we make? Maybe you could pay us for half upfront and half on delivery?


Need Cash Fast!

Yehuda Duenyas

According to your website I believe you are the anti-christ. You are definitely not christian and that is really sad. Please clean up your website, it's very disturbing.

Lisa Schaefer-Dogget

This is by far the most repulsive "site" I have seen in regard to our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ... WHAT A MOCKERY.... You obviously have no fear of God... I pity you!

Los Angeles, CA

Dear sir/madam

I am absolutely disgusted at this site and the way beating children is allowed.. i dont know whether this is a sick joke, or whether you actually do these things.. regardless i awill be contacting your local authorites.. child abuse is child abuse.

May God forgive you.


First off, antidepressants are not mentioned in the bible and are of the earth and help people who are suicidle and that is a sure way not to get into heaven. You bible thumping people are absolutely ignorant of the fact that medical conditions exist and Godís earthly medications are helping people lead better lives with or without the belief in God. All of your condemnation is not in the bible, you shall not be the one to judge and if you do not have the Hebrew version, you are not getting the proper word of God. Do not give people the lies that God spoke to you personally and told you this. You are a liar and the biggest sinner of all. I pray for your redemption. By the way, I hope your personal home isnít paid for by the people of the Church. Get a job to support you own mortgage payment and stop using the congregation money. It is sickening. I speak to God in my own home. He does not always answer me but I have faith he is there and one day he will send someone to this earth to set everyone straight. You do not need brick and mortar building to pray and worship. The kingdom of God is within us all! Pray and listen for one day he will really come.

Think about these ideas and if really want to continue receiving money from honest Church people.


I read your tips for beating and abusing a child.

Godly Tips on How to Punish and Beat Your Christian Child

There is nothing even remotely "Godly" about the evil trickery used to get a child to come to you. The mental abuse and verbal abuse that is suggested is repulsive. If ever a prayer were to be answered, is that when you are judged, God will punish those who have written and followed such evil recommendations against children.

You deserve to rot in hell, you rotten child abusing miscreants!

Andrew Ali

what are you teaching? if you truly know your bible then you that jesus came here to save sinners from hell fire the same place you're going if you don't stop with your self rightous belief if sinners are not allowed in church then how will they find salvation the church was created to save the unsaved not the other way around. all have sinned and fallen short including you

Johnny Nelson

I am a catholic . You are not a christian because you are writing false stories about the catholic faith. I have seen many baptists at bars getting drunk. Baptist think they can do anything they want as long as they say they are saved.

My advice to you is to educate yourself about the catholic faith. Catholics believe in universal church. You don't understand religion.

Betsy McClain

Excuse me, but who the hell do you think you are? Your little cartoon is not funny and it is full of misconceptions about Catholics. I take extreme offense at it. Most of us don't drink and St. Patrick's Day is supposed to be a celebration of St. Patrick bringing Christianity to pagan Ireland. It's just been twisted and commercialized over the centuries and has therefore lost much of its meaning. Catholicism is a beautiful religion and I suggest that you look deeper at it before you intend on making judgements. YOU"RE NOT GOD! So get off your high horse.


May the Lord have Mercy on your "Soles!" Just thought I would remind you that Jesus was a JEW!!! Why do you think he was called Rabbi...and "King of the Jews?" It is people like you, espousing hatred, racism, anti-Semitism, and condemning all Non-Christians to Hell, in the name of Christ, who will utltimately pay the price of God's wrath because of your self-righteous delusions! Do you think God's chosen people will be tormented to a life of eternal damnation? Why did God choose Joseph and Mary...two Jews to give birth and raise Jesus? Jesus would be ashamed and humiliated to see what ignorant and hateful people like you...in HIS NAME..espouse. If anyone is doomed to eternal damnation it is people like yourselves who's lack of education, fear, insecurity, and perverted obsessions have condemned our world to Armegeddon! In the name of Christianity and Jesus you have murdered Jews, lynched Blacks, condemned Muslims, persecuted homosexuals, promoted ignorance and hatred and doomed all of us to the current situation we are in. If you seek an afterlife of eternal bliss, beg your Lord for forgiveness, begin making amends immediately, espouse love and compassion, and pray that when judgement day comes, you will not be smitten, like the Pharoahs of Egypt for holding innocent, God-loving people the world over responsible for the sins that you yourself have committed, continue to commit, and blame other for! As they say..."Ignorance is Bliss!" God help us all...for you are truly the "Angel of Death!"

Eric Weingarten

i truely feel sorry for you if you think like that, diddn't god say thou shalt not kill other men? (i wouldn't know cause i'm aethist) but i know the bible says that, and you, you freakin moron, what the fuck is that "gods 10 bible methods to waging a perfect war" YOU FREAKING IDIOT, WAKE UP! you are the reason the rest of the world hates america you ignorant dipshit, get off your fuckin cross and make room to nail the next dumbshit in.

please write back



You people are more off the deep end than this Emanuel that abducted Elizabeth Smart. Let me give you a perspective on yoga from someone that's both well rounded, and who tries lives a Christian life.

Probably the thing that would most keep my blood pressure in check and help me get an edge on my family history of women dying of heart trouble in their 50's, would be to live close to God and nature in a cabin in the NC mountains. Since I am a subservient wife, and dedicated mother, I put my needs last, and unfortunately, I live in Charleston, SC, which has a terrible heat index and fast pace I would not wish on a dog. Since I have the highest Lipoprotein (a) cholesterol that they have literally ever seen at the Medical University of SC, I am grateful for the roll that yoga plays in helping me meditate away stress. Now, certainly, prayer also helps. But, I tend to think out of the box. And, you would be amazed at how many times I have prayed more clearly due to doing yoga, due to being able to clear my head and focus.

I was raised in the Baptist church, and baptized at age 7 in Anderson, SC. Now that I'm 56, I have had time to think out of the Baptist box and discover that unlike the male mindset of many Baptist, I believe that God gave me a body to house my soul, and the means to learn how to take care of it. So prayer is my rudder. Yoga is but one of my paddles. Faith is my boat. Living longer to do be productive for the goodness of God is my destination goal. I have never practiced Yoga in the nude. I have, however, had to get into really loose clothing to be able to stretch my God given muscles, which is what God intended them to do. The average person that practices Yoga, does not embrace it as a religion.

I would just about bet that the authors of this ridiculous view of Yoga, have a Body Mass Index number that is at least 10% above normal, that they can't go a month without eating fast food, and couldn't go on a life saving vegetarian diet if their own children's lives depended on it. I'm incredioulous that the authors of this subject don't have better things to do than to argue when yoga came into being. Who cares. This country has bigger fish to fry these days. There is a word for those who think that opinions and ideas different from their own have no merit. That word is arrogance.

I'm incredulous that I found your link by going to whitehouse.org. This alone tells me that the wrong person is in the White House.


M. H. Kalmbach

Charleston, SC

Just wanted to let you know that I am a saved, born again Christian and I am on my way to heaven. I don't see how you can claim to be Christian and give other Christians like myself such a bad name. You are blasphemous and God will judge that. Nobody can get away with such blasphemy and perversion of the Holy Word of God without paying the consequences. I don't believe one second that you are Christians. You are being used by Satan himself to destroy the Christian testimony and beliefs. Obviously, whoever puts this stuff on the internet and twists the Word of God is demon possessed. I believe with my whole heart that none of you are saved according to the Bible and that you are on your way to Hell because even the most backslidden Christian I know could never bring themselves to do anything this twisted and horrible. And if you are by some slim chance saved and are just hardened, know that God himself WILL chastise you as He promises in the Bible. I will be praying for you that you get saved and get right with God before it's too late and that you will get away from Satan as fast as you can before he drags you to hell with him!

Lisa Anderson

To Whom It May Concern:

I am a student at Emerson College in Boston, Massachusetts. Currently, I am working on an article about the hellhouse phenomenon for a local Boston newspaper. It is an unbiased piece regarding the hellhouse events; I wish to present all sides of the arguments revolving around hellhouses today. According to my research so far, it seems there are no hellhouses along the East Coast, and certainly not within the Boston area. I would like to expose as many people as possible to what I regard as an extremely interesting, and often controversial, practice.

I am writing to you in the hopes that you, or anyone else involved in your organization, would be willing to answer some questions, either over the phone or, more conveniently, over email. I am especially interested in your perspectives on the purpose of hellhouses as---according to your website-- they seem unique.

Any information you can give me, in any form, would be greatly appreciated. Thank you for your time.


Beth Steidle - Emerson University

i took a look at your link on the white house web page...beat a misbehaving CHILD so they can't sit down for 3 days? if i catch you or any other evil baptist doing such a thing to a defenceless child,i promise you i will MURDER you in a second you filthy fucking coward. your god is a non-existant piece of shit in the sky,and you will pay by a MANS hand one day...hopefully mine.

mark durkin

THIS IS WRONG!!! Every single thing I have read on your website completely IS NOT Biblical! I cannot believe you are buying children (Which is illegal!!!). Condeming people and damning them to Hell is the way to win people to Christ. How do you expect to reach people for Christ if you will not even let them into your church. I cannot believe people who claim to be a church for Jesus Christ could be such a cult! I am very disgusted with this. By the way, though I do not support gays in any way and I do think it is wrong, I do not believe you should deny them the grace that God gives freely. The only unforgivable sin is blaspheming the Holy Spirit. If someone turns their back on God and never repents, that is when it is unforgivable. If anyone asks for forgiveness of sins and truly repents, God will give them grace. This is an absolutely disgusting cult!


Yeah, I just wanted to give you guys some feedback on your "Godly tips on how to punish and beat your Christian child" article.

It was linked from a messageboard and at first glance I thought it was an article written for comedic purposes.

After a bit more reading I realized that this was a very christian oriented site and everything about this article was serious.

I agree, beating your child WILL get him/her to listen. It WILL make them obedient. And you can be sure their "sins" will be far and few between.

And beating your kid that senseless WILL make him anything you want but normal.

Odds are if you hit your kid like that, it will traumatize him so much he'll have huge issues later in life.

But guess what. If anyone catches you beating your kid like that, or anyone sees marks on your kid as a result of your "godly beatings," they'll either physically stop you themselves or call the police on you in wich case you'd be found as an unfit parent and your kids taken from you.

Discipline like this isn't so cut and dry like you guys would like to believe.

The fact is, as I stated earlier in this letter, is your kid will have serious issues with you and himself later in life as a result. It's abuse; it's agains the law.

Not only that, but if you can hit your child THAT hard THAT many times as described on your site, as well as lure them to you in such a deceptive way I think you should be ashamed and it's obvious there's something wrong with you, the parent. You should also be ashamed of doing it in the Lord's name. Your child will never trust you.

You should seek serious help before you ruin your life doing it, and your kids'. Surely they will rebell against you as they get older for being so abusive unless they are that mentally messed up.

I guarantee if your Christian peers saw you do this they would have a problem in a big way with it. If I saw it first hand, I would likely step in between you and the child and if not that, i'd be dialing the police for child abuse.

Your guys' article is not only outrageously and blantantly abusive physically, but shameful, sinful, illegal, and medievil.

I feel sorry for you Pastor. And quite frankly i'm surprised you're still a practicing Pastor unless you've kept your personal identity hidden. In wich case you'd obviously be hiding how you raise your kids. In any case, you're hiding something.

And I would pray for forgiveness because if you don't and you goto heaven or judgement day comes first, you'll have to answer to it. God sees everything. Remember that.

You're no better than a drunk, redneck wife beater. Infact worse, because you do it in the name of Christians, the Lord, Parenting, and the saddest fact of all, you think you're doing the right thing.

You are an affront to not only what Christians, the Lord, and what the teachings of God stand for, but to all humanity, ethics, morals, and yourself.

Good day Pastor.

Ryan Adam

I just listened to your "CHRISTIAN" audio samples. I can't believe what kind of crap I am hearing. You call yourselves Christians yet you swear. You say things like," don't let them homosexuals see your winky" and," the gulf of Mexican". What kind of anti gay/Mexican message are you trying to spew. Then your pastor saying that hell is in the center of the earth because that's where you will find sulphur which is referred to in the bible as brimstone. What a joke. I'd dare say that at the risk of judging you that you are completely hypocritical.

Isaiah and Aubrey

PLEASE NOTE: "If you send an e-mail submission to this site, you are certifying that you are 18 years or older and you are granting The Landover Baptist Parody Website a worldwide, royalty-free, perpetual, irrevocable, non-exclusive and fully sublicensable right and license to use, reproduce, modify, adapt, publish, translate, create derivative works from, distribute, perform and display your submission (in whole or part including your personal e-mail address) and/or to incorporate it in other works in any form, media, or technology now known or later developed."

Ok, Translate this-

Your all a bunch of empty minded, ignorant, selfish, self centered, ethnocentristic, dumbasses.

"use, reproduce, modify, adapt, publish, translate, create derivative works from, distribute, perform and display " This.

I don't mind religion, just keep to yourselfs. and i know you didn't contact me, I just found your site, and I'm honestly just so amused, and luaghing my ass of right now at how stupid and retarded you people are.

Oh, I'm Christian, and my best friend is part jewish, SO EAT SHIT WHEN YOU SAY THAT JEWS ARE POISONING SOCIETY. JESUS WAS JEWISH YOU STUPID IDIOTS. So the founder of your religion was actually starting Christianity to poison society; meaning you are poisoning society, you better organize a mass suicide with the rest of your special friends and rid yourselves from society.


Good Day to you.